Go From Here

Chapter Ten

"You're doing what?" Buffy asked, in complete shock.

"I'm house hunting," Spike told her proudly as Wesley poured him another glass of wine.

"That sounds great, Spike," Wesley said approvingly and patted his back before sitting back down.

"You've decided to stay in LA? What happened to the blasé attitude about staying in one place for too long?" Buffy asked as she took a bite of her cherry cheesecake.

"I've decided that moving around so much like that doesn't suit me anymore," Spike told her. "I think it's
time I grew up and made a home, don't you?"

It wasn't lost on her why he was doing this. It was because of her and all her talk of settling in. She smiled at
him. "And you like it here well enough?"

He nodded. "What's not to like? It's bright, fast paced and my career could go in many directions here.
Besides, where else do I have a Xander, Willow and Buffy? I move anywhere else and I'll have to start all over
trying to find the same kind of friends that I've been seriously lacking since I had to leave Sunnydale. Why
start over completely when I have all that I need right here?"

"I don't mean to intrude, Spike, but have you enough money to buy a home?" Wesley interjected.

Spike grinned sheepishly. "Well, yes. See my mother left me quite an inheritance when she passed and I've
done quite well at saving even more over the years. You wouldn't think it, but I have. So, I'm actually in a
prime position to become a home owner. Or at least mortgage my way to becoming a home owner."

"I'm so happy for you!" Buffy congratulated him.

"Don't be celebrating just yet. I haven't found the home yet. Just made the appointment to start looking."

"Still, the whole decision in itself to stay is worth celebrating," Buffy told him and raised her glass, nudging
Wesley to do the same.

"I'll clink as long as one or both of you promises to look at some places with me."


"Okay, I agree the first one was kind of like a bread box, but the second one wasn't bad," Buffy told Spike as they followed the real estate agent to the next home.

"It didn't have a deck or much of a backyard," Spike pointed out.

"Maybe it would have been a good idea to keep me apprised of the things you're looking for in a house. So,
you want a big backyard and a deck?"

"Well, yeah. That way I can have barbeques and grill on the grill I plan to get for the deck."

Buffy giggled.

"When I picture my home. . . I don't know, I guess I kind of picture the place you and Wesley have."

Buffy looked up at him, a strange look on her face.

"What?"

"That's kind of. . . I don't know if that's healthy or not."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I realize that we've all become very close over the past couple months, but do you find it at all
strange? I mean, with the history we have and now you're all making nice with me and my boyfriend."

Spike clenched his jaw and gripped the steering wheel. "I'm ‘making nice' now? What the hell is that
supposed to mean?"

"I didn't mean it that way—"

"Then please tell me what that means? Are you telling me that I have no place in your life now? As long as
you need me to be there to heal or whatever the hell it is you need me to do, then all those other times when
I might need someone, I'm not supposed to come around? I'm supposed to stay away and stay out of your
life with Wesley until you decide it's all right for me to come around? Is that it Buffy?"

"No, Spike, you're misunderstanding what I'm saying to you—"

"Then explain it to me so that I can understand," he demanded angrily.

"Shut the hell up so I can!"


He slammed his mouth shut and waited for her to continue.

"Of course I'm happy that you feel comfortable around Wesley and I now. I feel comfortable with you now
too. I'm ecstatic that you've decided to make a home for yourself, and NO, I don't expect you just come
around when I ask you too. That's a load of bull and you know it."

"Then what about the ‘making nice' comment?"

"Poor choice of words. As happy as I am that we're friends and that our horrible past doesn't follow us around
like a black cloud–"

"Not all of it was horrible Buffy."

"Are you determined to twist everything I have to say?" She unbuckled her seat belt and twisted in the chair
so she could face him. "Listen," she took a deep breath. "I'm so happy that we are in a good place. I'm
happy that we can be friends after all the stuff that happened to us. And no, I don't mean that all of it was
horrible because it wasn't. When I said horrible, I mean that the stuff that happened after we were separated
was horrible. Not when we were together and happy."

"You just never really talk about those times as good. Sometimes I wonder if you really were happy or just
look back on being with me as this horrible experience. Because while all the shit that happened to us was
bad; when we were together, I was happy. Weren't you?"

Her whole expression softened. "I was Spike. I was very happy. I thought you knew that."

"Sometimes, I'm not so sure. When you talk about it, you talk about how stupid you were and how wrong you
were. You tell me that I forced you into something that you shouldn't have done. We never talk about the
good times Buffy. Only the bad. I just wonder if I'm the only one here with the amazing memories of what it
was like to be loved and in love with you."

"Oh God, that's got to be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me," she said and her eyes welled up in
tears.

"I didn't mean to make you cry."

"And I didn't mean to make it seem as if you were just here out of convenience for my life and putting it
together."

"You ARE together, I'm trying to MYSELF together."

"You give me far too much credit. I'm not that together, Spike. I'm still working at it. You've heard my music.
Does all that anger and angst sound like a girl that's all put together?" She managed lightly.

"But you're trying. And I want to try too."

"That's just what I meant right there Spike. I want you to be happy. I want you to have a home and I want
you to feel that you belong somewhere. What I don't want is for it be forced. I want it to what YOU want, not
what you think you HAVE to do. Until you announced your decision to make a home here, you seemed as if
you had one foot out of the city and was just waiting until you felt it was the right time to move on. Now I've
got to wonder, why the sudden change?"

"You think it has to do with you."

"It crossed my mind, but I'd like to think I'm not that conceited."

"What else crossed your mind?"

She giggled, "that you have a crush on Wesley."

Spike's eyes bugged out of his head. "What?"

"I'm teasing. Sort of. It's easy to have a crush on Wesley. I mean, look at him. Want to talk about together?
We're talking about a man that knows exactly what he wants and goes after it. And, he gets it more often
than not."

"No kidding. He got the elusive Buffy Summers didn't he?" Spike said dryly and Buffy hit him playfully.

"Sometimes it is weird how we all get along. You have to admit. With what we had and with Wesley. . . it's an
odd little mix. Not to say that it doesn't work for us, because it has, but I guess I'm just saying that I don't
want you to settle here unless you are absolutely sure you want to and not because of me or Willow or
Xander. Or because in some way you think you owe it to me, to our memory or whatever. Or because you feel that it's the right thing to do at this stage in your life when you're not really ready to settle down and you're
still perfectly happy moving around.

And when you say that you picture MY home as the kind of home you want, it kind of makes me wonder how
healthy our attachments are to each other."

"I'm not settling because of anyone Buffy. I'm settling for me. It's something I have to do. I'm tired of living
my life as a vagabond and not having a place to call home. I'm tired of never feeling at home. Yes, having
you and Xander and Willow here has helped those things. . . I told you before that the only time I ever felt I
was at home was in Sunnydale with you all. So, this is like my Sunnydale I guess. I have never felt that I had
my life in order and that I was an adult. I've always felt like such an immature, angry teenager that just made
one unhealthy choice after another. I want to stop that. I'm almost thirty years old Buffy, I'm supposed to be
an adult by now. It's time I started acting like one. It's time I took my career a little more seriously and it's
time I carved out a life for myself. I just can't think of a place that would fit as well as this one and I don't
want to do any more searching because, frankly, I'm tired of it. I don't think our attachments are unhealthy at
all. For the first time in a long time, I FEEL healthy. I feel that I'm on the right path and it is thanks to you that I feel that way. Ever since we saw each other again, I feel as if I'd been put down this path to finally put the past behind me and part of doing that is by making plans for the future and not living by the seat of my pants anymore. I want to be the type of guy that someone feels they could rely on and trust one day. Not the guy that they'll wonder if I'll be there the next day or not."

"I'm so happy for you," Buffy said emotionally and reached up to plant a kiss on his cheek. "We'll find you the best house ever."

Spike grinned and looked over at her, "you're such a sap," he teased.

"I know. It's all your fault! I used to be tough as nails and now look at me. I'm a weepy, mushy mess!" She
exclaimed and dug in her purse for tissues.

"Look in the glove compartment. Don't worry, Buffy. You can still be a right bitch when you want to be."

She slugged him on the arm, though not angrily, and then began her search for the tissues.

He fought the urge to rub his arm. He didn't want to admit it, but man, she could pack a punch! "See?" Was all he said.


TBC...please review guys!!! I want to know if you're out there and still reading!