Days Like These Keep Me Warm

Sorry, sorry, sorry this took so long to write but the last week and a bit has been hectic for me, graduation, parties to attend, stupid messed up computers to deal with, looking for a job and dealing with ff.net removing my story. So if there are any people who read my story on ff.net a big welcome!

Anyway thanks for the reviews, I love feedback, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. On the site or at outforawalkbitchuk@yahoo.com

Luv Louise

Chapter Eleven: I’m In Love With Something I Can’t See

She didn’t remove her hand from his, even if deep down she recognised that his need to talk wasn’t going to be all sweetness and light. Instead Buffy held on tighter, unwilling to let go of him not now, not after she was a hundred percent sure he was alive. He would be mad at her, not for just lying about being homeless, or for getting him hurt but for the police harassing him.

Buffy had heard from that stupid Detective Sayle how he was ready to listen to her when she was ready, that if she wanted to talk to a female officer about her experience it would be fine to arrange it. At first Buffy had no idea what he was speaking about until he had mentioned the word rape and she couldn’t help but laugh. As stupid and insensitive as it was she had burst out not in tears as Sayle had expected but in pure laughter that soon caused her injuries in her stomach to flare up in pain at all the straining she was doing to her stitches from her intense amusement of the situation. She had just been with the man she had followed for months and the police thought it was fucking rape.

Then, however, she had been joined by Officer Turner who had said William was having a panic attack of some sort and Buffy’s face had fallen into anguish. Whilst she had been amusing herself with the ridiculous claim that William had raped her, her love was suffering all because of her.

//Because I suggested we went to the castle, because I couldn’t keep my hands of him, because I went down on him out there when he wanted to go back to his place but I said no, I said it was safe no one about, I was fucking wrong because she was there and now, now he is giving me that look that says you got me into this mess, the police questioned me because of you, you stupid fucking whore//

So she took a deep breath and answered his remark that they needed to talk “I know we do William, I lied to you, hurt you and all I can say is sorry, I am so fucking sorry, I don’t know what else to say” her voice began to crack under the strain, she was deeply determined not to cry, this was the time to be strong not to show him her weakness.

William didn’t respond in words, no he wanted to leave the talking for a little bit longer, he needed to enjoy her company just a final time and he stood from his chair and leaned in to envelop her into a hug.

“William” She mumbled into his chest, she didn’t care if he was almost suffocating her with his embrace, she felt warm and safe in those arms, the pain seem to fade as she attempted to comprehend the notion that he had forgiven her.

///He has accepted the reality of my life, he doesn’t care about it. Jesus this means I can finally be with him probably, this means it doesn’t mater about Darla because when I leave this place I will be with William, be able to love him and protect him//

Buffy began to become wrapped up in her fantastical land, the complete shock of the events of the day and knowing William was alive and seeing him in this room, his arms still secured around her body. All of this was making her convinced that everything was fine now; it’s was her mind’s way of dealing with the trauma. If she began to think about the truth, that would William really not care about her being in prison; that she was kind of responsible for what had happened, if she allowed these home truths to filter into her mind then she really would be in anguish and pain.

William breathed in the smell of her skin as his head briefly rested on her neck, it felt as if this moment was lasting for eternity and he was loathed to let go because then, well then he would have to say all those words that came from his heart, some love but joyous feelings were being replaced quickly by ones that would stop his relationship with Buffy. He knew for now not being with her was the right thing to do. It wasn’t just the lies she had told that led him to this painful decision but things between them had happened way too fast for his brain to fully cope with.

//I woke up today only wanting to met her again, I wasn’t expecting her to like me back in that way, I just wanted to talk to her, build everything up slowly, not let it go the same way that it did with Drusilla, yet in way I made the same mistake and its about whether I love Buffy or not, no its about taking a step back and looking at the bigger messed up picture//

He finally released his admirer from his hold and moved carefully to sit back down, fidgeting in his seat. He looked around the room; of course he was unable to view their surrounding but he needed to collect his thoughts.

“I thought I lost you” He remarked softly, biting his fingernails, he didn’t allow her to respond and continued “Not being able to see where you were, what was happening, I just wanted to touch your body, check you were still alive but all I had was this Darla girl ridiculing me, sending me in despair”

“She’s always been like that, all of this is her fault, and I hope the police find and her send her to prison” Her voice rose in anger, vengeance wasn’t the right way to go about it but she would love to inflict some kind of horrible pain on Darla.

//But I never will, I’m too scared of her for one, petrified she will fight back. But there’s nothing wrong in thinking about it right? //

“Like where you were?” William commented, his voice was cold and distant, even if he wanted to stop where the conversation was heading, he just couldn’t help but ask it in a dark tone.

//The more I talk to her the angrier I get, she’s just acting like none of this is to do with her, she’s like a little kid who puts the blame on an imaginary friend or a sibling but never takes responsibility for what they have done. I love her I do but she isn’t who I thought she was, she is kinda naïve and childish and I don’t need that at the moment. Bloody hell, I feel like a right bastard, I fuck her then dump her but I still want her, still love her//

“Yeah” Buffy lowered her head shamefully. She was wondering when he would bring it up but at least now she could explain to him why she had been in jail “But what happened to me was different, I didn’t kill Angel, it was an accident even if I blamed myself for it. I, well I did shoplifting, joyriding, stuff like that but I never hurt anyone”

“Buffy” William tried to interrupt, his attempt failing as Buffy continued revealing more about her history.

“Angel, he, he was” She hesitated, she wasn’t even sure why, William knew who Angel was already “My boyfriend, my first real boyfriend and I loved him so much but your all I want, need now, he is my past”

“Listen to me pet, us today, like I said I was so scared about you, I care about you so much but your acting like it was okay to lie to me when it isn’t” William beseeched rising his voice, he placed his hand down on the bed and gripped at the sheets “I thought I was but, too much of what I thought I knew about you isn’t true”

Buffy mulled over his words for a few moments, she went to reach out to touch his hand like before but she pulled back. A wave of truth crashed down over her, he hadn’t forgiven her, she had just been a fool who couldn’t face up to what she had done. She snapped out of her fan and and began sprawling off her true feelings.

“Oh I see, I do feel guilty William, I got all the signals messed up…you’re here, visiting me and I thought that meant you didn’t care about who I was…” Buffy declared, berating herself, trying to govern enough strength to continue, she started shouting “I’m sorry, I am fucking screwed in the head…damn it I don’t think about things, try to repress everything…sorry, sorry, sorry. It is all my fault, all of it, of course you wouldn’t want me as a girlfriend, I did fucking lie to you!”

“Hey Buffy, ssh” William whispered; now he felt guilty that he had caused her distress, her release of reality.

“Its true, from the moment I met you I lied and lied, I said I was a student, I said I had a home, I didn’t tell you I’m just a useless homeless kid, whose too ashamed to ever let her mom and sister see her again, and why should they?” She didn’t give him a chance to answer, “Because I’m a fuck up”

“Because you are still an astonishing caring woman” William retorted, he didn’t think she was a bad person, he needed her to understand that. He moved his chair closer to the bed, taking a few moments to sense his surrounding, he made sure that he was facing Buffy when he said it “Everything you have done for me has been amazing, I mean that but I’m so fucked up about today and I need to tell you…”

“You never want to see me again” Buffy stated, her heart sank but she knew it, really she knew he would never

William shifted again and lowered his head down onto the bed, resting it on her stomach. He couldn’t help what he said next, because despite knowing he needed a break from her, he couldn’t just walk away from their relationship. He needed to help her.

“I want you to move in with me but as friends, nothing else” He replied quickly, he didn’t want to hesitate, give his brain enough time to tell him ‘What the hell do you think you doing?’

“What?” Buffy gave him a quizzical look, there he was, head placed perfectly and gently on her stomach, easing her pain further, she wanted to run her hands through those blonde locks of his as the information that he wanted her to move in with him registered in her mind.

“I am angry with you, something else that I need you to understand. I know it was Darla that did this to you, that hurt me as well and it wasn’t your fault she attacked us, I’m just kinda disappointed that you couldn’t tell me everything, I thought this afternoon, us” He paused, not wanting to sound like some weak-hearted fool, he looked up to her, still that darkness, still no glimpse of her face “When we kissed, I, it meant a lot to me, shit I can’t articulate my feelings”

“But you only want to be friends?” Buffy said slowly, becoming increasingly frustrated.

// Is he deliberately messing with my heart to get pay back, because one minute he says he loves me, then he is angry with them then he wants to be friends! //

“And I want you to move in with me” He repeated his offer, he was convinced that she didn’t think it was genuine and despite being pretty spare of the moment decision making he knew it was right. William knew maybe they could work things out one day and to never have her near by him again seemed like a notion he couldn’t bare to think about.

“You asked me the other day not to pity you, so don’t pity me William. I never fell in love with you just to get a free place” Buffy curtly responded, not wanting to sound like she was taking advantage of him, if she wanted to take advantage of people who deserved so much better she would go home and knock on her family’s door.

“It must be hard, living out there, how do you even cope?” He asked rhetorically “I guess you’re pretty tough, it’s not pity its common sense”

“It is?”

“You were beaten up Buffy, attacked by some lunatic who could be out there ready to hurt you again; you’re in not fit state to be sleeping rough” William ordered her, he felt like a parent disciplining a child “Its just until you get yourself sorted, find a job”

“Thank you, thank you then but won’t your friends think it’s a little weird” Buffy questioned.

//Like this conversation we’re having, totally fucking bizarre, I’m moving in with William, I’m moving in with William, fucking hell, again me, as in me going nowhere Buffy is moving in with William, Jesus”

“Probably, but then again they know I’m hardly normal” William decided. He heaved himself out of his chair “I better go, let you get some rest, all this heart to heart has probably made you tired”

Buffy watched as he slowly walked towards the door, she knew she shouldn’t ask but she needed to know, needed to set the record straight “William, not to start an argument again but”

“But what?”

“Do, do we ever have a chance together, because I still love you and you love me and I need to know?” Buffy quizzed, she had taken to closing her eyes, trying to clear her mind.

William stopped in his tracks, how the hell could he respond to that, he just couldn’t, a chance one-day maybe, but then again they still had a lot to work through. Instead he placed his hand on the handle of door and went to open it, avoiding the question altogether “I'll pop in later pet bye”

“Bye” she answered opening her eyes and staring at the ceiling, holding the tears back.

//I guess that’s a no then//


TBC>>>>>

//So will the just friends living together arrangement work? Hah very doubtful, will Darla turn up again, hmmm probably, and what will William’s friends think about Buffy? //