Subversive

Disclaimer: I still don't own the characters. Don't make any money off of them.

“Eva.”

I stirred, unsure at first as to whether or not I had heard my name. I wasn’t even sure it was my name. Groggy and still in pain, I managed to open one eye partially. I noticed my other eye was still swollen shut. I had no idea where I was.

When I was somewhat able to focus, I found Spike and Angel at my side. It took a moment more to realize that Spike was holding my hand. Swallowing hard, I found it hurt to do so. I tried to look around. I was in a hospital room. I was covered in tubes and bandages, an oxygen tube down my throat since my nose was bandaged.

As soon as I realized there was a tube down my throat, I couldn’t breathe. I began to choke, coughing, unable to get it out. I tried to move my hands, but it was as if they were weighted down and I couldn’t move them at all.

“Get it out! Get it out of her!”

I weakly tried to flail, but it was nearly impossible. I was choking to death.

Suddenly the tube was pulled out of me and I gasped for air, shaking and cold. A small set of oxygen tubes were placed at my nose, although it wasn’t going to help much.

“There you go,” said a calm, female nurse. I looked up into the face of a black woman bending over me, setting aside the tube. “Are you all right?”

The more I became aware, the more I realized that I was in great pain. It was dull, but it was everywhere. I cringed, gasping as waves broke out in my vision. Flashes of the vampires and what had happened to me went through my mind and I nearly screamed.

The nurse touched my arm, an expression of concern on her face. “You all right, honey? D’you need some more painkillers?”

Wincing, I nodded once.

She turned to the host of tubes of IV’s and injected something into one of them. I trembled as the pain wracked every inch of me from every injury that I wasn’t even fully aware of yet. A few minutes later I felt the painkillers coursing through me, and I began to relax slightly.

“That better?” Nurse Hutchins nodded, her lips pursed. “The doctor will be in to see you soon.” She paused, checking my vitals. “You’re lucky, you know. You were hurt pretty bad. It’s a good thing your boyfriend got you here when he did. We’ve been waiting to see you.”

Blinking as wooziness fell over me and I struggled not to vomit, I struggled also to find my voice. I knew it was in there somewhere. At last I managed to ask hoarsely, “Wh-what happened?”

Nurse Hutchins looked at me carefully, wording her answer as if walking on eggshells. “I think that’s something the doctor will have to tell you. At the moment, you’re alive, and that’s where we want to keep you. Now you just lie still there, all right, honey? Can I get you anything else?”

I tried to frown, tried to swallow, but it hurt too much. I was about to ask her another question when my vision swam and I was thrown back into the darkness. I saw it all. I was confronted by the gang of vampires as they attacked, by each one of their sickening bites. I saw red blood flowing over cold concrete and colder steel, mixing with the unknown bodies that lay in the corner. I saw the vampire as he attacked me, violated me, crushed me into a formless being.

I didn’t answer.

She turned and quietly left the room, shaking her head and muttering “Poor girl.”

Taking as deep a breath as was possible through an almost certainly broken nose and swollen lips, I closed my eye for a minute, thankful that the pain was ebbing. God bless morphine, or Perkoset, or whatever the hell I was on. Anything to take away the pain. Although what I really wanted, was to be knocked the fuck out. I didn’t want to feel anything, and I sure as hell didn’t want to remember anything. But it was too late for that.

I glanced down at all the needles sticking out of me, realizing that I was half lying on my side. Then I registered the pain in my back. Hydration tubes, blood transfusion, painkillers, all of it was a blur. But the more coherent I became, the more I remembered. The room smelled of faint blood and fear. So medicinal and sterile, yet fear-inspiring in the same way. I stared at my hand, bandaged with a tube sticking out of it. Spike was holding it gingerly, as if I would break at any moment. He was so gentle and caring, so different than the blind rage that had overpowered him when…

“Baby?”

I had almost forgotten he was there at all. Slowly raising my face, I looked at him. The scratches were gone. All that was left was sincere worry and concern in his eyes. His face was shadowed. I would say he looked pale for a vampire. He attempted to smile as he brushed hair out of my face.

“Hey,” he said softly. “Good to see you, love.”

I felt hot tears forming and I began to tremble. Struggling to find my voice, I managed to whisper in a gravelly voice, “Thank you f-for saving me.”

A dark shadow passed over his face as he kissed my hand. “I’m sorry I wasn’t in time. I wish… I mean, I’d give anything…” He broke off, looking lost and angry at the same time.

“You s-saved my life.” I couldn’t disagree with him. He hadn’t been in time. If he had just come in sooner, if he had parked closer, if he had just kept me there a little longer… The tears burned my cheeks as I shuddered. There was something very hollow inside me, something that had been carved out and left empty. “D-did you kill them?” I whispered, trying to swallow around the pain.

Spike pursed his lips and continued to touch my arm. He wouldn’t or couldn’t look at me, as if my arm was extremely fascinating. “I got most of them,” he said in a flat voice, disturbed only by a note of distress. “Three of them got away. I’m sorry, love, I’m so very sorry… They ran off like bloody cowards and I had to get you out of there. I couldn’t stand there and let you die right in front of me…”

I swallowed hard, a cold knot forming in my stomach. Somehow I already knew the answer, but it was necessary to ask to the question. “D-did he get away?”

Spike stared at the floor, unable to look at me. At last he nodded slowly. “Yes.”

I looked away, blinking and allowing the tears to run silently down my face. As grateful as I was for him saving me life, for killing nearly eight vampires for me, I felt the cold slice of disappointment raging through me. The one vampire who had hurt me the most, the one who had nearly torn me apart, was still alive, and could very well find me again. He had sworn to me that he would kill anyone who touched me. But there I was, in the hospital bed, surviving on tubes and luck alone, and the one who had violated me was free. The others had bitten me. He had stolen a part of my soul.

“We’ll find him, Eva,” Angel said, speaking for the first time as he touched my shoulder. “I know people all over this city. We’re going to hunt him down, and he will die for what he did.”

Flashes of the vampire stunned me, visions of him throwing me over the table and laughing. My body tensed, remembering all too well.

“Torture him,” I whispered, staring at the ceiling before looking at Angel through watery eyes. “I w-want you to t-torture him, then k-kill him.”

He nodded slowly, something resolute in his eyes. I knew he had been Angelus, a ruthless vampire intent on torture and pain. I knew that he could call upon the ability to hurt others if he needed to. Even if it went against his soul.

“All right,” he said, without a trace of doubt.

I finally looked at Spike. He slowly raised his eyes to meet mine. “Torture him,” I repeated, voice quavering as the machines beeped all around me.

Spike searched my face, all too aware of where we were and what had happened. Something feral passed through his eyes, shadows of the man he had been. I knew without a doubt that he would not fail me again. “Consider it done,” he said firmly. “We find him, and I’ll show him what pain really means. He’s going to wish that he’d never been born.”

I knew that he meant it. I knew they both did. Once he was found, I knew that the vampire in question would suffer horribly. But in the meantime… I wouldn’t feel completely safe. I felt horribly lost. I tried to feel comforted that the men were going to watch out for me, to avenge me, but I felt dead and afraid. I felt as if I had lost my soul. Some parts of me would never be right again. All of them, the vampires, had stolen a huge part of me. I wanted to find that affection for Spike and wrap myself in it, to drown myself in it until all I felt was happiness again. But all I found inside myself was coldness, emptiness, and despair.

“Eva?”

Wheezing for breath, I rolled my head to face them again. I tried to shift the rest of my body, but I was numb everywhere. Whatever drug I was on, was working quite well. I whimpered slightly. I could feel the marks on my back and they ached, no matter what drug I was on.

Angel sat down at the edge of my bed. “Hey, I know that everybody from the office want to come in and see you,” he said. “In the meantime, they asked me to send you their best.”

I nodded, my mind drifting in and out of reality.

Angel shifted. “Listen, if there’s anything you need, just ask. I can be here as often as you need, or I’m sure any of the others would be happy to help.”

“Thanks, Angel,” said Spike, “but I believe it’s my right to stay here with her.”

“I’m just offering my help,” Angel said quietly.

“Th-thank you,” I whispered. “To b-both of you.”

Turning to Spike, I feebly squeezed his hand. He brought my hand to his lips, his skin cool against mine. He placed my hand against his cheek, his eyes focused on me.

“I’ll stay with you as long as you want me here, love,” he said. “If I’m not here, I’ll make sure someone I trust is. Or Angel, if given the option. Right now, I’ll be here. Once you’re out of here, I’ll be taking you home. I don’t want you alone.”

“That’s a good idea,” Angel said, catching Spike’s eye. “Once they release you, it’s better if you have someone taking care of you. I’m sure Fred could do it.”

I swallowed hard, wincing as the dull throbbing in my limbs continued like a second heartbeat. “How long have I been here?”

Before either man could answer, the door opened. A tall older man walked in, his black hair streaked with gray, wire glasses accentuating a full face. He looked up from a clipboard as he entered, offering a kind smile. “Hello, Eva,” he greeted. “It’s good to see you awake. I’m Dr. Harris.” He stepped up to the side of my bed and sat down, gently touching my arm. “I’ll explain everything that’s gone on in a moment. I take it you don’t know much, and you do want these two gentlemen to remain here?”

I tried to nod.

“All right.” Dr. Harris took a moment and looked over the machines. “Are you having any problems talking at the moment?”

Waves of dizziness threatened to overtake my vision, but I fought for control. Again, I tried to nod. “It hurts,” I got out.

“Okay. Let’s go over everything that’s happened. I’ll try and keep any questions to a minimum for now, but there are some things I will need you to answer. We can ask more later when you’re up to it, okay?”

I dreaded what he was going to ask. I couldn’t move much, and I wanted to know what all was wrong with me, while at the same time I wanted to ask him to knock me the fuck out until I was healed. Or until a psychic could wipe my memory.

“All right. First of what you need to understand is that you are very lucky to be here at all,” Dr. Harris began. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

I winced, struggling to sort through my memories. A horrific image of the vampire burst through in clear color and I tensed. “Uh… I remember… Spike helping me, taking me away.”

“From the place where you were attacked?”

“Yes.” Speaking was really beginning to hurt as I realized how badly my throat had been torn up.

Dr. Harris nodded gravely. “You are luckier than I thought. The past several days have been very worrisome. You were brought in here three days ago. We finished with the first blood transfusion yesterday, and that helped quite a bit, although we decided to supplement your red blood count some more. You were nearly completely empty, as they say. But you’ve been stabilizing nicely, and we’ve been administering painkillers intravenously as well as food and hydration. Obviously you’re on a catheter right now. It’s the full set up for someone who has been in a coma, although you weren’t actually in a coma. It was decided that you should be kept on high levels of morphine due to the amount of injuries you sustained.”

He paused, watching my face as I adjusted to the first layer of news. It didn’t surprise me if I had been in a coma, but the fact that I had lost three days? I tried to wrap my mind around that, and found it easier than I thought with the morphine coursing through my system. Lightheaded and somewhat on the brink of sleep, I felt okay about it.

“Three days,” I whispered.

Dr. Harris nodded solemnly. “Regarding your injuries. You have a rather severe concussion, a broken nose, two cracked ribs. Those should all heal reasonably well. We did a CAT scan and there doesn’t appear to be any internal bleeding in your brain. Several of your vertebrae are bruised and one is possibly out of alignment. You’ll be needing some physical therapy that should get you back in shape. Your collarbone is bruised, multiple strained muscles, and your eye has been swollen shut. Again, no real damage, although it has become infected. We’re giving you several antibiotics that should help clear that up in a few days.”

He touched my hand, looking seriously at me. “You’ve also sustained several deep lacerations and puncture wounds, specifically on your neck and inner thigh. We believe it was through those wounds that the blood loss occurred. Again, you’re very lucky to be alive. Most people would have died after having that kind of loss. As for the rest…” He cleared his throat, appearing visibly uncomfortable.

“Do you remember being raped?”

I felt Spike tense, his hand squeezing mine as hard as he dared. I closed my eye, swallowing hard and wanting to disappear. “Yes,” I whispered.

“Okay. There is some major tearing of your vaginal walls. Judging from my examination there may be damage to the uterus as well. We’ve taken several sonograms, but it’s difficult to tell right now. While it is not my policy to deliver bad news all at once, I think it is fair to warm you that there is a possibility of a rupture, which would mean that we may have to perform a hysterectomy. This isn’t certain, we’ll need to examine you further, but it is a possibility.”

The words sank in all too easily. I may never have children. This news went beyond the pain of violation and degradation, beyond rape and beating. The whole of my life flashed before me as a wide open chasm, preparing to swallow me whole.

“There is also major damage to your rectum. It is healing, but it’s going to take some time. The good news,” he continued, though I barely heard him, “is that you will live. You will recover. There’s nothing here that can’t be fixed. All it takes is time.”

I stared blankly at the wall, not looking at anyone. I couldn’t bare the thought that I had been turned into a damn invalid, a shell of what I once was just a few days ago. I had never even broken a bone before, and suddenly here I was, lying in a hospital with so many injuries it was almost impossible to tally them all. All in a moment. If I hadn’t gone to the gym, if we hadn’t gone down that street, it would all be different. If I had gone out with Fred and the others, I wouldn’t be here. Spike hadn’t been able to get them all and he was a violent, bloodthirsty vampire. What were the odds that he would get the ones who had escaped?

Three days. I’d been lying in bed unconscious for three days. Bruised and battered. Completely broken, that was how I felt. What had I ever done to deserve this?

“Eva? Are you listening?” Dr. Harris touched my shoulder and I turned to him. “I said that the police are wanting to speak with you, when you’re ready. They will want to get details and descriptions from you of your attackers. I’ve already told them to wait a few days before asking for you. Now that you’re conscious, they should be coming in any time now. They already have samples, and they’ll start with that.”

I frowned. “Samples?”

He nodded. “Yes, sperm and hair samples.”

My stomach wretched at the thought. A sudden horribly thought came to mind. “I’m not p-pregnant, am I?”

“No, you’re not. I think the only reason for that is due to the…well, the circumstances.”

Spike spoke up then. “So she will be all right, then? How long will she be here?”

“Well, she won’t be going anywhere soon. We’ll be needing to do some more x-rays in the next day or so, as well as additional sonograms to determine the extent of the uterine damage. I hate to guess, but I would put her here for at least another week, and then there will be therapy to consider as well. If she’s recovering well enough, then I’ll release her when I can. For now, she’s in too much pain and requires rest.”

Dr. Harris began examining me, checking my heartbeat and pulse, my breathing, such as it was. As he helped me turn over so he could check my back, I winced and had to fight not to cry. I felt him touch each wound, tending to them. Spike stroked my head, gently holding me close until the doctor was finished. He kept whispering reassuring words to me, trying to distract me from the examination.

“Well, I’ll let you rest for now, but Nurse Hutchins will be back shortly to change your catheter and food bags.” He offered another smile. “You will be fine, Eva. I’ll have the hospital minister come speak with you later, if you like.”

I shook my head. “No.”

“He may be able to help you, Eva. You’ve been through a terribly traumatic ordeal. I recommend speaking with someone to help you get through it. Do think about it.”

When he left, I closed my eye, wanting more than anything to sink through the bed and not feel anymore. Knowing everything that was wrong with me made it that much harder to deal with. The drugs were numbing my body, but they weren’t helping my mind. I didn’t know if anything could help with that, short of a lobotomy. One purposeful thought came through the drugged mind:

The only helpful thing would be death.

If I were dead. If only I were dead.

It could be arranged.

Angel came back to sit at my left side. He was watching me carefully, his dark eyes compassionate and worried. Leaning forward, he gently touched my hand, careful so as not to touch me in any way that might break me. “Do you need anything right now, Eva?”

The dregs of reality were closing over me. Struggling to breathe normally, I winced as the images came over me again. The dark street and being surrounded, having the vampires chase me down the street like a wild animal, the very first punch to my face…

Startling out of the unwanted trip down memory lane, I felt more tears spring to my eye. Great sobs were threatening to wrench themselves out of my chest and tear me apart. I choked it down, refusing to give in to it. The hot tears couldn’t be stopped, though, and they made long trails down my face.

“I w-want to forget.”