Saying It With Flowers

Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Pairing: Xander/William
Rating: G then R then NC17 ( but not till later…..he he he)
Author: Mightbeme
E-mail: Lee_Michelle_t@hotmail.com
Feedback: Yes please
Disclaimer: Not mine, don’t own em (pout…stamps foot….dammit) they belong to Joss etc.
Previous Parts can be found at the Island’s archive
Spoilers: Up to Same Time Same Place and then we take a left and head off road.
Thanks: To my wonderful friend Meg for encouraging me to finish this. My heartfelt thanks to Michelle and Edi for being wonderful beta’s. My apologies for this taking so long to post, I’m sorry to have kept you waiting. Thanks to the many people who sent me feedback I really appreciate it. A huge thanks to Seige and Sofy for their insights.


Notes: Thoughts in * * flashbacks in # #

Saying It With Flowers

Chapter 11 Xander

Despite some still-lingering shadows of guilt about Jesse, I managed to sleep pretty well. Thanks to Willow’s words of wisdom, I now realized how wrong I’d been to use Jesse’s memory that way. Talk about dumb. Why cut myself off from other possible relationships with guys, just because the first man I loved rejected me? And to top it all off, I let that rejection steer me into a series of disastrous relationships with the fairer sex. It was like I picked the most unattainable women possible. Not one but two slayers, my worst enemy, my best friend, and a former vengeance demon. Talk about lousy luck.

But then, it seems to me I made my own bad luck with the girls. Deep in my heart, I think I went after the ones that I knew could never make me happy. Cordy made my life heaven and hell all at once, and I still felt a deep abiding friendship for her. As for Faith, well, her steering me around the curves once was enough for one lifetime, thank you very much. Buffy was and always would be one of my very best friends, just as Willow would forever be in my heart. Anya, former vengeance demon extraordinaire, what can I say? I loved her, still do in a way, but I can’t kid myself that we’d ever have been happy.

Looking back on my childhood, the concept of a man and a woman living ‘happily ever after’ was something that was pretty hard to swallow. My parents weren’t exactly the best role models, after all. And now I know the shallow emotions I had for my former crushes and ex girlfriends were nothing to what I could feel for William, if I let myself.

Thinking of William made me suddenly anxious to see him and I hauled myself out of bed with every intention of talking to him. Wandering into the kitchen, I squashed down the pangs of disappointment when I found he’d already left for work. I’d forgotten he was working for most of the day as a favour to Maggie. Something to do with a rush job on a special wedding set up.

Vague dissatisfaction followed me as I searched through the cupboards, intent on finding some crunchy goodness for breakfast. Riffling among the selection of boxes, I finally settled on Tony the Tiger. When the sugar rush kicked in a bowl later, I moved on to coffee for that added caffeine buzz.

Feeling a bit better, I internally debated thoughts of William and any possible obstacles. So far I only had one major problem, in the petite blonde form of Buffy. But ever since their one date, they seemed to have settled back into being just friends. Shrugging internally, I decided that I’d just have to go with the flow and see how the evening paned out. The morning dragged so I did some housework; washing and stuff, trying not to let myself get too excited about the coming date. No, not a date, ok, so there’s still a healthy bit of denial working in there.

I spent some time with Willow’s book, too, looking through it for more of the flowers that William had brought home. The ones I knew the names of were easy to find and I’m not surprised that they had meanings of gratitude and friendship. Turning the pages, I looked up the iris, and found it meant the bouquet of flowers contained a message. It took me awhile to find a picture of the delicate white bells I remembered were clustered in the vase with the tall flowers. My finger caressed the picture of the Snowdrops in the book. A small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth as I read the meaning of the little flowers. Hope, I had to wonder what William had been hoping for when he’d brought those particular flowers home. I’d been fairly hostile then, but I have to admit the fragrance of flowers drifting around the apartment had been pretty soothing. I thought maybe I could go and check out the store where William was working. You know, just in case he wanted to have lunch or something.

I was just on my way out the door when the phone rang, and once again a Buffy-induced crisis managed to wreck my plans. So instead of taking William out for a bite to eat, I spent the hours from midday to late afternoon repairing an enormous hole in her basement wall. It seems that mere bricks and plaster can’t stand up to Buffy and Dawn’s impromptu slayer vs. key sparring match. Only the fact that Willow had gone to pick up William and take him home kept me working. By the time I hammered in the last nail and drove back to the apartment it was getting late.

William’s door was closed as I crossed the living room. I stared hard at the plain façade, trying to see through it and mentally urging him to appear. But it seemed telepathy wasn’t one of my gifts and it stayed firmly closed. I hovered outside it, though, just for a brief moment, but a quick look at the clock sent me scurrying on to the bathroom. Wet towels testified that William had been here before me. So I swiftly showered before hurrying back to my room to get dressed.

I dropped the towel I was wearing and rummaged in my drawer for boxers. As I slid them on, the whisper soft navy silk clung to the odd patches of damp skin the towel has missed. Next was a pair of sinfully supple black leather pants that clung lovingly to my legs. I pulled on a soft, long sleeved, velvet shirt, in a rich maroon colour, leaving it out to flow loosely around my hips. Sitting down on the bed, I pulled on black ankle boots and zipped them up. I grabbed my wallet, quickly thumbing through the contents. Satisfied that I had enough money, I thrust it into my back pocket.

My hair stood up in dark spikes from the rough towelling after my shower, so I quickly dried and styled it into loose waves. I eyed the diamond stud in the jewellery box on the dresser, wavering for a moment, biting my lip uncertainly. In the end I shrugged and picked it up, fixing the stud into one earlobe. I checked myself out in the mirror, liking the way the bright stone glinted in the light.

Deep breath in, and then I’m making my grand entrance into the lounge where William waited patiently on the couch. I held my breath self-consciously as he swivelled around to look at me. From the stunned expression on his face, I guess he liked what he saw. More confident now, I sauntered slowly towards him, letting a seductive smile play around my lips.

“A..Alex you look umm,” his voice dropped to a throaty murmur as his eyes found mine,“ magnificent.”

I let my smile be a touch more predatory, taking his gaze and holding it.

“Thanks, you look positively edible yourself.”

A scarlet blush crept up over his high cheekbones as I let my eyes roam appreciatively over his body. Taking in the form fitting dress pants that outlined his lean legs. The soft white collared silk shirt and dark brown suede coat looked good on him. His golden hair had grown longer now, and it lay in curls around his ears and neck, giving him a softer, more vulnerable appearance. I let myself drift closer to him, pushing the boundaries of his personal space, until he drew a nervous gasp of breath. He trembled as I reached up to touch his glasses, adjusting them unnecessarily.

“Oh, umm, thank you.”

A knock sounded at the door, breaking the spell that held me there. I stepped away and let William answer it, smiling at Willow and Buffy when they appeared in the entryway.

“Hi guys, ready to go?”

Buffy’s mouth dropped open in shock as she looked first at me, then William, and then back at me.

“Wow Xan, you look…” Buffy seemed to search for the right word, “…hot. Doesn’t he, Willow? Why do you look hot? And is that an earring?”

Willow giggled and pulled the slayer back towards the door. Buffy, for her part, couldn’t seem to drag her eyes away from me, much to William’s dismay. He seemed almost jealous as he glared daggers at the stunned girl.

“Buffy, you just never noticed before, that’s all,” Willow needled gleefully.

“Yeah, you know, I’m hotness personified, Buff. I just needed the stylin’ new clothes to show it all off.”

Buffy nodded her head sagely, giving me another quick once over before speaking again.

“You’re gay, aren’t you?”

That was it. Willow dissolved into giggles as William just looked uncomfortably on. I tried to stifle my smile, going for the clueless angle and missing it by a mile.

“Buffy.”

“Well, you know, all the great looking guys usually are.”

I chuckled. I had to. It broke out of me before I knew it and tumbled into a deep belly laugh. The serious look on Buffy’s face was too funny, and Willow wasn’t helping by giggling madly in the background. William was adorably flustered and I took pity on him by giving Buffy my arm after I’d straighten up, and escorted her out the door.

We were still smiling when we reached the restaurant. I had lots of fun, teasing Buffy about her gaydar while watching William’s reactions flit across his mobile face. I sat across from him at the table so I could watch him without effort. I liked the way that he stared at me every so often, his mouth curved into a soft smile that made my heart race. Willow kicked me under the table every now and then when I got lost in his eyes for too long and forgot to answer.

When dinner was over we headed to the Bronze. Luckily we were able to find seats in the crowded room. Willow, Buffy, and William flopped down into the overstuffed couch while I went in search of refreshment. When I came back, I handed out the drinks, and then perched on the arm of the couch beside William. His shoulder brushed against my hip and I looked down at the top of his head. He leaned into me a little, and I quickly hid my smile behind the rim of my glass.

The bronze was pumping, the music was loud and fast, and bodies swayed, pressed up hard against each other on the dance floor. I caught sight of Dawn laughing and dancing with some friends, grinning as she mouthed a silent “wow” at me. She ran over and practically dragged me up to dance. I put my drink down and held out my hand to Willow and the others, inviting them to go with us. The girls bounced up, though William looked a bit uncomfortable. I pushed them on ahead of me and turned back, holding out my hand again. William bit his lip uncertainly, so I leaned forward and grasped his hand, tugging him up and out into the crowd. His hand clutched at mine and I squeezed it warmly, letting him know its ok.

Before we reached the girls, the frantic dance pace slowed to a romantic ballad. Swaying to the music, I pulled William into my arms. His blue eyes widened as the crowd pushed us closer together. He felt so amazingly good in my arms, like that was what I’d been waiting for. For these few minutes, everything around us dimmed, and all I could see, all I could feel, all I knew was William.

The song finished and we reluctantly stepped apart as Buffy bounced over to us. She grabbed William by the hand and dragged him off to dance with her. I took a deep breath to calm myself and followed, letting the rhythm fill the empty place inside me where William had been.

After awhile, we headed back to our seats, laughing and happy. William excused himself to go to the men’s room and I threw an arm around Willow, hugging her tight. Minutes passed and William didn’t return. Uneasy, I looked around, hoping to catch a glimpse of him in the throng. Buffy straightened in her seat, one hand fluttering to her stomach as the other reached for her jacket.

“Vampires, I can feel them.”

Fear coalesced in the pit of my stomach as I saw William’s head bobbing through he crowd. He was struggling futilely against two much larger forms that were dragging him inexorably towards the back exit.

“Shit Buffy, they’ve got William.”

My heart hammered in my chest as I ran with Buffy and Willow towards the back exit. We pushed our way through the throng of dancers and out into the alley, nearly falling over each other in our rush. Unfortunately for us, the two vamps with William weren’t the only ones out here. Seven bloodsuckers stood around the dark alley. One had William pushed up against the dirty brick wall, a clawed hand twisted in his golden hair. The ugly visage of the demon looked back at us as we skidded to a halt in the middle of the alley, his fangs glistening wetly in the harsh light of the open door.

“No!”

I felt the scream build deep in my chest as we launched ourselves at the vampires. Buffy was a blur of righteous motion as she pulled a stake from her pocket and dusted the first one in her way. She tossed the stake to me, and I saw another appear in her hand as she was rushed by two more of the undead. I crossed the few steps to the fledge that held William, seeing only the fear and pain in his blue eyes as the vampire’s fangs sank into his flesh. I plunged my stake into the vampires back, looking through the falling dust to William’s terrified face. Strange words from some nameless tongue filled the air around us as Willow’s voice rose in a chant evoking the gods. I clutched William to my chest as one of the vampires exploded into flames near us.

As I pushed us away from the burning vamp, my foot caught on something and we fell. I desperately twisted around to cushion William’s fall, letting his weight drive me down, and my head hits the pavement hard. I literally saw stars and gasped at the sudden pain, but my arms stayed tight around William’s frozen body. I closed my eyes briefly, savouring his warmth before he pulled back.

I opened my eyes I stared into his, the agony I saw there making my heart twist. I tightened my hands around his back after catching sight of unwelcome movement above us, and rolled us swiftly out of the way. The undead attacker burst into flames as Willow’s chant once again gained power. We laid in silence on the ground as Buffy and Willow’s combined attacks ripped through the last of the vampires. I got to my feet, pulling William up with me, and hovered protectively beside him. He was dazed, his eyes wide with remembered pain, his voice deceptively calm.

William

It was like a dream, a nightmare, like something old and festered that I’d ignored for as long as I was able. The world dropped away, and even though I could feel Alex’s warmth beside me, I was cold inside. The cold of death crept into my veins, the cold of the grave that my mortal body should have inhabited this past century or so. My mind whirled with remembered pain and blood. It was so thick I could almost taste the bitter fluid on my tongue. Vague sounds penetrated the fog around me, and I heard someone speaking, softly, almost conversationally. I was more surprised to realise the composed words were coming from my mouth.

“They were vampires…..I remember a woman ……she was a vampire….. …she found me ….”

In my head I heard her voice, soft and dark, dripping with honey and blood.

#And I wonder... what possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears? #

The scene became clearer, the dirty walls not unlike the ones that surrounded us now. But the smells were wrong, no stench of decay, of open sewers and stale urine.

“I was in an alley.”

#Nothing. I wish to be alone. #

The night sky shimmered with stars, but she blotted them out. Her dark eyes glittered with old malice, and a strange compulsion to come closer.

“Like this one.”

#Oh, I see you. A man surrounded by fools who cannot see his strength, his vision, his glory. That and burning baby fish swimming all around your head. #

“She was so beautiful and so fey.”

#That's quite close enough. I've heard tales of London pickpockets. You'll not be getting my purse, I tell you. #

“She smiled at me.”

#Don't need a purse. Your wealth lies here...and here. In the spirit and…imagination. You walk in worlds the others can't begin to imagine. #

“She saw into my soul.”

#Oh, yes! I mean, no. I mean... mother's expecting me. #

“And she took me into the dark.”

#I see what you want. Something glowing and glistening. Something... effulgent. #

#Effulgent. #

“She asked me.”

#Do you want it? #

“And I let her.”

#Oh, yes! God, yes. #

In my mind I felt her fangs sink into my neck as they had all those years ago. My fingers lifted to touch the blood dripping from the recent wound on my neck. I brought the fingers coated in the dark fluid before my eyes, the blood scent strong as death in the air. I stared at them, remembering my blood on her lips as my life faded away, her bloody wrist against my mouth, her voice urging me to drink.

“Oh god, I’m a monster.”

Alex’s hands came up to grasp my shoulders, but I shook them off, running blindly into the dark. Sobs broke from my chest as the agony of those memories threatened to break me. I heard my friends calling my name as I sprinted away, running from who I was, who I am. The darkened streets passed quickly until my breath came in heaving gasps and I could run no more.

I sensed more than saw the fresh green of the park and staggered over to the seat myself on a swing. I fumbled with my glasses, folding and stuffing them into the pocket of my jacket. Dejectedly covering my face with my hands, I wept, my sobs echoing through the still night. Images poured through my mind, scenes of blood and lust and pain. I felt so unclean as whispers of voices chased around in my head, the pain of the last century bearing me down into despair.

I knew who I was now, who I’d been. Disgust rose within me as a figure with ice blond hair and cruel eyes filled my senses. Deep in my misery, I dimly heard footsteps approaching, but I felt too wretched to do anything but wait. Surely Alex would want me to leave now. I understood exactly why he seemed so hostile to me at first. I was a monster who killed and maimed indiscriminately. Someone who had tried to kill him on numerous occasions, who belittled him at every chance, who slept with the love of his life as well as one of his best friends. I deserved his hate.


Xander

God, I was never so relieved in my life as when I saw him sitting on the swing in the park. He took off so quickly that we could only run after him and hope we found him before some random demon or vampire did. Buffy moved towards him but my hand shot out to grasp her wrist, stopping her in her tracks. She looked at me, confused, but I shook my head, indicating that she and Willow should patrol.

“Leave him to me.”

She looked about to argue but Willow slipped her hand into Buffy’s and pulled her away. Buffy shook us both off and started walking to the edge of the park. I smiled my thanks to her. The still quiet of the t let let me cross the short distance to the swings silently. William made no effort to look at me, his hands covering his face as he slumped dejectedly on the seat of the swing. I knelt on the ground in front of him, between his open legs, and tentatively reached out a hand to touch his knee.

I wasn’t sure if he was even aware of me until he started talking in a hushed tone. He shuddered, his breath coming in choked off sobs, as though my being there shamed him somehow. A huge lump in my throat threatened to gag me and I swallowed tightly, as affected by his remorse as he was. Warm, wet teardrops splattered onto the back of my hand, leaving little glistening spots that rolled away to soak into the fabric of his jeans. He spoke so quietly at first, I almost missed what he was saying. In an effort to comfort him I slid my hand a little further up to his thigh, rubbing in light circular motions.

“I’m a monster, a killer. I don’t deserve to live.”

I squeezed his leg, speaking his name, trying to direct his attention toward my face. I wanted him to know that I didn’t see him that way. His hands dropped limply in his lap, almost as if he’d given up any hope.

“William, you’re not any of those things. You’ve been absent from your body for over a hundred years. You’re not responsible for any thing that happened while the demon had control over you. You were dead Spike was a demon, a vampire, and he did as was his nature.”

“But the memories” William trailed off, despair still vivid in his eyes.

“They’re not yours.”

Revulsion flickered over his features, and he dropped his gaze as if he couldn’t bear for me to look at him.

“But I can feel the joy he felt at killing. I see the faces of those who died under these hands.” His voice was stark in its pain as he kept trying to explain, as though he couldn’t comprehend the horror of it all.

“I feel him he’s still here, I know it.”

Reaching out, I took one of his hands in mine, the other lifting up his chin so I could see his face again. Tracks from the storm of tears glistened wetly on his cheeks, leaving his eyes slightly red and puffy. He sniffled like a little child, and I felt something in me flourish into full-blown compassion. All I wanted was to make it better, to put the smile back on his face.

“William, he’s gone, a memory. A bad one, granted, but a memory truly. I know you’re hurting, but I’d like to help if you’ll let me?”

Watery blue eyes hopefully searched my face and I smiled encouragingly. I twined our fingers together, heart racing when his free hand reached up to cup mine where it rested on his neck.

“You’d help me, after everything I did? Anya…Buffy”

Those names had the power to hurt me, but only if I let them. I paused for a moment letting the images race before my minds eye.

#Flashes of Buffy and Anya melding and overlapping, seeing them under my enemy’s hands, thrusting his dead body into their living ones. Knowing this happened with Spike’s evil intent, knowing his dark desires for both women, recoiling from the malice the vampire inflicted from these acts of unmitigated gal. Knowing in my heart that Spike is not William, that William is a good man, a decent man. #

I felt him watching me closely as I put my prejudice aside, hopefully for the last time. My hand caressed his neck gently, pulling him inexorably closer. My heart wanted desperately to console his, to give him the peace he deserved.

“You didn’t do anything to them, Will.”

Our foreheads touched together lightly as I looked directly into his eyes, finding a reflection of the moment in those blue depths. I savoured his sweet breath ghosting across my lips, making me shiver with need.

“William?” I breathed his name, my heart jumping when he nervously swallowed.

“Yes, Alex?”

“Can I kiss you?”

That tiny smile returned, making me want him even more.

“I’d like that very much.”

I didn’t give him time to say anything else as my lips descended upon his. I revelled in the sweet taste of William, letting this kiss block out all other thoughts. I could only tremble feeling the softness of his mouth, moving ever so chastely under my own. He sighed, those sweet lips parting slightly, making me want nothing more than to dive in and possess his tantalising depths. I could barely believe how natural it felt, how right it would be to continue. Every urge I had was screaming to deepen the kiss, to bring him closer, to never let him go. It battered me like a storm front, and I found myself struggling for a semblance of control. Pulling back and taking an unsteady breath, I was surprised to find us still in the same position. William looked as dazed as I felt, dropping his head forward to lean on my shoulder.

“Wow.”

“Ummm, wow, indeed.” I chuckled when he took a deep steadying breath, liking the way he sighed my name. “Alex?”

“What, Will?”

“Could we…umm, do that again?”

I smiled broadly, hugging him to me, happy to find his hands timidly easing around my waist.

“Is now a good time?”

I brushed my lips over his, wanting to kiss him forever but knowing that the night has its own dangers. We’d be better off at home. I gulped at the thought of William and home, but it was a good feeling. With William in my arms, his head resting on my shoulder, even kneeling on the dusty ground was a heady experience. I saw Willow’s happy face over his shoulder as she and Buffy returned from their sweep around the playground. Buffy had a slightly sulky pout on her lips, which made me mentally stick my tongue out at her. A smug feeling of satisfaction welled within me as William took that opportunity to burrow further into my chest. We stay motionless for a long moment before I raise us both to our feet.

“Come on, William lets go.”

Tbc