Je me souviens

Look! More! It's pretty! Well, I think so anyway! Thanks muchly to all who reviewed, especially those who did so twice--here, and on various Yahoo lists. I love you all! Whee! Also, damn you for being inspiring; the projected total parts now reaches to probably fifteen.

Chapter Eleven

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Buffy was certain Faith's body had never blushed so much. Her blood was probably confused at rushing to her face all the time. She couldn't help it. She'd be wolfing down the plate after plate of waffles Mom set in front of her--Buffy herself didn't eat this much in a month of breakfasts--and then her breath would catch. A delicious tingle would send shivers racing through her, like cool ocean spray against sun-warmed skin. She'd look up--and meet Faith's gaze across the table. That was all it took. Buffy couldn't look away. Faith's eyes sparkled with a wicked gleam. There was mischief there, and lust, and a tantalizing, teasing promise. It was the sort of look that said "I know you're thinking what I'm thinking, and when can we do it again?" Butterflies fluttered in Buffy's stomach, and her face turned hot and red. She beamed at Faith, an embarrassed, coy smile that completely escaped her control. She ducked her head to hide it, but she couldn't help peeking at Faith through her lashes. There was something incredibly...Faithlike...about the smug way she licked her lips, exaggerating the slow, sensuous movement. Buffy tried to cool her cheeks in her hands and felt dimples against her fingertips. God...Faith just wasn't built for embarrassment, because the flutter in her stomach was moving lower and becoming more insistent the longer she stared into Faith's eyes.

"But what I don't understand," Mom said, entering the room and shoveling another load of bacon onto Buffy's empty plate, "is this matter of Faith's soul being...broken."

Buffy blushed harder at Mom nearly catching her making googly-eyes at Faith and speared the bacon with her fork. Her breathing was quick and shallow, and she made an effort to concentrate on eating without choking.

Faith raised a taunting eyebrow at her and picked at the remains of her single waffle. "So the whole body-switch thing's making some kinda sense to you that I missed somehow?" she asked.

"Oh, that," Mom said, with an airy wave of her hands. "Evil spells. The Mayor turned into a giant snake at Buffy's Graduation. If I didn't run to Chicago for that, then this is hardly news. Willow did say she could fix it, didn't she?"

"Scooby meeting here today," Buffy mumbled around a bite of toast. "We'll see what she and Tara came up with. And Giles can be Bookman again. I think he misses tweed." She licked her fork thoughtfully.

Faith grinned at her. Buffy reddened again, realizing what she must look like. She let the fork clatter to her plate. "I...I'm done," she said. "Okay. Dishes...they go in...large metal water...thing. Sink. I'll get right on that." She jumped to her feet. Her pulse was thrumming in her wrists. She felt Faith's stare on her back as she walked into the kitchen, and her body responded by adding a bit of swing to her hips. Body-switch or not, she knew that's where Faith's eyes were glued. Buffy couldn't blame her. Faith's ass was undeniably hot.

Okay, so she'd freaked out a little last night. Okay, more like a lot. And then...this morning...

Something came of giving in and trusting Faith. Trust didn't mean believing things were going to work out. But, like forgiveness, she didn't give it because she necessarily wanted to. Faith needed it. At this point, it was really all she had to hang on to.

Faith had still been beside her this morning. That had meant more than a lot of betrayal. Buffy felt her body warm, the unrelenting throb of blood to her crotch. She breathed in, eyes closed, holding the edge of the sink. Calm was not a word in her vocabulary lately.

"Buffy?" A hand on her shoulder made her look up. Mom sounded tentative--she wasn't used to attaching the name to this face. "Are you all right?"

Buffy hoped that Mom didn't have enough practice to read Faith's emotions. She knew how easily everything Faith thought passed across her face. World's worst liar. Even when Faith was betraying them, she'd believed she was doing right. World's second best actor. "Fine." Not exactly a lie. She'd rarely felt better, physically at least.

"You seemed a little...flustered...in there." Mom crossed her arms and leaned back a little, as though to get a better look at her. "Is it something Faith did?"

It was more something that Faith was, but Buffy wasn't about to explain what it meant to be dealing with Faith's body, with being Faith. "No," she said. And then, after a pause: "You were right."

Mom smiled, a wry twist of her lips. "That's something a mother doesn't hear every day."

"Faith's...not evil. I mean, she could be...but it's not for sure. She could change her mind."

"I'm glad you see that. Because she is getting her memory back." Mom glanced towards the entrance to the dinning room.

Buffy followed her gaze and remembered that Faith had overheard them talking last night. What would she make of this conversation? "She is?"

"Slowly, but, yes. She told me she was 'five by five' the other day." Mom raised an eyebrow in emphasis.

Buffy nodded. "She called me B last night."

"There you go."

"I want her to trust me, but..."

"You're still worried. That's understandable." Mom sighed. Worry-lines creased around her eyes. "Buffy...seeing you like this..."

"I know." Buffy wrapped her arms around her mom, squeezing as tight as she dared. "Your local Hellmouth tax dollars at work." She tried to smile. "It's not for long."

"Right. I'll keep that in mind." Mom released her from the hug, shaking her head with resigned amusement, concern lurking in her eyes. She studied Buffy, touching her cheek. "I know you're in there somewhere." She looked up when the doorbell rang. "Looks like the gang's here," she said. "If Xander's coming, I should probably run out for twinkies and cheese doodles."

Buffy laughed. "Good idea." She went with Mom to the door. Faith had beaten them there. She opened it to Riley, standing on the porch, looking nervous, and suddenly everything that was wrong about last night came crashing down. Rationalizations didn't help when your lover and your boyfriend were glaring at each other across the threshold. Buffy wanted to hide. It was like looking at a funhouse mirror version of her and Riley. Riley looked like he was staring at one of his psych experiments gone horribly, horribly wrong. Faith was caught somewhere between sneering and looking smug. The expression didn't look good on Buffy's features, either way.

After a moment, Riley looked past Faith and focused on Buffy. The psych-experiment stare didn't fade. "Um...Buffy...I'd--"

"Yeah, so, if you need me, I'm gonna be...elsewhere," Faith interrupted. She turned around and headed upstairs, leaving the door open behind her and Riley outside.

Riley stepped inside and closed the door behind him. "Mrs. Summers," he said, nodding at her. "I, uh, may I speak to Buffy alone?"

"Of course, Riley. I was just heading out to do some shopping." Mom smiled at him, then, turning her back on him while she put on her shoes, widened her eyes at Buffy in a silent question. Buffy shrugged miserably. This was going to go badly. She was a Slayer and had premonitions of apocalypses...apocalypti? This felt a lot like that.

She gestured Riley into the living room. When they'd both gotten their voices back, after the Gentlemen had been killed, they'd sat across from each other in her dorm room for what seemed like forever, not talking. Now sitting was the last thing she wanted to do. She started pacing. It'd be nice if she could just slay a vamp right now, or at least maim a demon. Facing Riley was about the last thing on her list of to-dos...

Which, again, wasn't fair to Faith. Or to Riley. Or to herself, for that matter. It wasn't that Riley was a bad guy; he was nice. He was...stable, good-looking, even-tempered. Buffy winced to herself. She sounded like somebody's grandma, describing Riley that way. Shouldn't she be saying...hot? Exciting? Someone who challenged her and pushed her buttons and...okay, someone like Faith. But the fact was, Buffy had enjoyed having a boyfriend a bit closer to normal, because that way she could pretend that she was normal, too.

Oh, God. That was such a horrible reason to stay with him. And...and he was talking. Okay. Listen. Do not let yourself run away from this situation.

"Buffy..." He said her name doubtfully, like he believed she and Faith were playing some sort of practical joke with the body-switch. Or maybe it was the pacing. Usually, when they Talked, the kind of Talk with a capital T, she was the calm one and he was restless. "About last night. I made a mistake." He tried a smile, and a bit of a chuckle. "But you know there was no way I could have known that you and she were--that she wasn't you."

She nodded. "I'm sorry, too. I...I shouldn't have said that stuff. I'm just..." She rolled her eyes and repeated Faith's excuse to Tara. "I'm just not myself right now."

"I know. And the sooner you're back to--you, the better. Faith is--" He shook his head, wry confusion on his face. "Well, she's something else. Definitely not you."

Buffy whirled to face him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing! Just that--" Riley shrugged, blinking. "Well, you said she'd be here temporarily. That she was your responsibility. And..." He smiled again, the kind of self-satisfied smirk that had always been tolerable before but suddenly pissed her off to no end. "And, well, if you're her--and she's you--then, when we...I don't know, Buffy. I'd just rather you were in your own body. Don't you?"

Buffy tensed up. "Yeah? Well, Riley, what if I was stuck this way? What if Willow can't find a spell, and I'm like this forever? You'd go after Faith because you like my body better?" She got louder as she went on, the words coming from nowhere, a sudden storm of anger that she'd had no way of predicting.

"Whoa! Buffy!" Riley's eyes widened. "Where the hell are you coming from? Of course not--"

"You know what?" Buffy advanced on him. "You probably didn't even care it wasn't me. You probably wouldn't even have figured out it wasn't me!" Buffy listened to what she was saying and knew it sounded stupid. But everything would be so much easier if it were his fault. It probably was his fault, somehow, and anyway, being angry felt a hell of a lot better than feeling guilty.

"I think I would have been able to tell," Riley said, laughing a little. So fucking assured, so fucking superior, damn him! "I mean, yes, I kissed her, Buffy, before I knew, but it wasn't like I slept with her."

Buffy froze. She felt her face go white, but she couldn't do anything except stare at him. All her anger drained out of her faster than it had blown up.

"What?" Riley's grin faded. "What is it? Buffy--"

"Nothing. It's not--" Buffy shook her head and tried to back away. "Can we just--"

Riley's face turned from confusion to shock in slow motion. Buffy's heart squeezed in her chest, a pain more for him than because of him. "Please--Riley--"

"No." Riley held up his hands, as if she was attacking him, as if he needed to defend himself from her. "What the hell are you saying--you--you slept with Faith? You had sex with her? Buffy, I don't understand. You can't--you can't be telling me this."

Buffy bit her lip. The urge to run was overwhelming. It was an effort just to be here, talking to him. "Riley, Faith and I--" Nothing, nothing at all that she said was going to make this right. Not excuses about Faith's hormones, and not even the truth--that she'd wanted Faith far longer than she had ever admitted to herself. "It just happened," she said lamely, knowing it was nothing of the sort, knowing how much those words would hurt him.

Riley clenched his jaw, muscles working near his temple. "You never even thought about me. You cheated on me and you--you didn't care."

"I--I care, Riley, I do," Buffy said. But not enough. She knew it. She could see that he knew it, too.

"Yeah, right," he said bitterly, anger bursting from him. His shoulders bunched. "I can't--I don't think I want to be here right now. I can't even talk to you, looking like that--like her."

Buffy bridled at how close he'd come to insulting Faith, but she nodded. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I guess I should have known." Riley shook his head in disgust. "Willow told me I might be some rebound thing for you. I thought what we had was better than that, Buffy. I thought I was more to you than you moving on from some great mystical love." He stepped forward, the edge of his glare softening slightly. "But now I see you'd rather go back to her--even though she hurt you. I hope you know I'd never do that. I wouldn't have hurt you."

Buffy gaped at him. He thought that Faith was...? That Faith was the person she'd been pining for when they first started dating? But then, she'd never told him about Angel--the specifics, anyway. And was he so wrong to assume that about Faith? Buffy had been feeling guilty about her for way longer than she'd ever suspected. It was all tied together with Angel leaving, with the Mayor, with all that history that was so wonderfully blank for Faith right now. Angel, her first love, who she hadn't even been allowed to be with since his return from Hell...or Faith, fellow Slayer, secret crush, always nearby, always on her mind--whether as her friend or her enemy?

"I know," she answered Riley. "I know you wouldn't..."

There was so much more she wished she could tell him. That he was too safe for her...that, somehow, as a Slayer, she needed pain. The course of true love shouldn't run smooth. Faith was dangerous, and uncertain, and desperate; and despite that, or because of it, Buffy wanted her.

None of that would make this better. Riley was decent, and she'd treated him like dirt.

"Yeah. Well. I'm going." Riley made a sharp about-face, then strode for the door, hunched over and angry still. Buffy closed the door gently behind him, bowing her head slightly. At least she wouldn't run in to him anytime soon. Her psych class had been cancelled due to a severe case of professor death. They didn't live anywhere near each other on campus. Even when patrolling, she was usually in the graveyards while the Initiative took the area around the university. It was amazing, really, how painlessly Riley could be removed from her life, leaving barely a scar to prove he'd been there.

There was a knock at the door. Buffy started, then automatically opened it. Xander stood outside, with Willow and Tara coming up the walk.

"Hey, quick service! I could get used to this," Xander said. He paused in the foyer and peered at her, then, playfully, tapped on her forehead. "Buffy? You in there?"

Buffy swatted his hand aside. "Xander--"

"And I thought Willow as a vampire was the top of the chart as far as the creepiness factor goes." He walked around her, studying her from every angle.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "This isn't an opportunity for ogling, Xander. You know what Faith looks like."

"Wow! And she really has the Buff-speak down." Xander nodded, impressed. "Okay. I give. You're you. Er, her. Yourself. In there."

Buffy exchanged pained looks with Willow as she and Tara entered the house. "Look, can we just not right now, Xander?"

Xander's face screwed up in an apologetic grimace. "Buffy, I know. Look, you took in a murderous Slayer who doesn't know she's a murderous Slayer, except now she kinda does, and you accidentally took the Personalized Docent Tour of her body. Plus, on top of that, it turns out my best friend has a girlfriend." He gave a cheesy grin and waved at Willow and Tara. Willow rolled her eyes and waved back. "See me embrace the maturity! I don't do it that much, so appreciate it when it comes, okay?"

Buffy smiled. "Sorry, Xander. It's not you."

"Yeah, I'll bet. Riley didn't look too happy leaving. You're probably waiting for the witchy stuff to be over so you can go and have a reunion." Xander kicked off his shoes and threw himself onto the armchair.

"Actually, I just broke up with him."

Xander snickered. "Right, or you just broke up with him--wait, did you say you just broke up with him? That is serious stuff!"

Buffy shrugged.

Willow immediately wrapped her in a hug. "Oh, Buffy, I'm sorry!" She leaned back and frowned at her. "I think. Or is this not the double-mint-chocolate-fudge-caramel-cookie-dough ice cream kind of break up?"

"It's barely Rocky Road," Buffy said. "It's a long story, not the point right now, and if I feel the need for fudge sauce you're the first person I'll call."

Willow nodded, and shared a look with Tara. Xander eyed them suspiciously. "Man, that is pretty much my quota for shocking developments in the lives of my friends," he said. "I hope you have cheese doodles."

"Mom's out getting some." Buffy glanced up the stairs, wondering where Faith had disappeared to. Speaking of shocking developments...

"Well, Giles is bringing about as much as he's got left of his library," Xander said. "Willow and Tara already have a couple ideas, probably along the lines of nose-wiggling and blinking forcefully. So, I'm guessing that means I'm pizza-ordering guy."

"Great. You go ahead and get set up." Buffy ushered them into the living room. "I'm just gonna..." She stopped and made a vague gesture towards the stairs. Only Tara seemed interested in her interrupted sentence. Buffy blushed under her calm stare. "Well. You know."

Tara nodded understandingly, which just made the blushing worse. Probably her aura had already betrayed her--screaming, "I had incredibly satisfying sex last night" or something similar. At least Tara didn't seem the type to go spreading it around--not even to Willow. Buffy sent her a grateful look before she headed upstairs.

She felt ahead of herself for Faith's location. She was in the guest bedroom, where she'd spent her first night back. Buffy knocked on the door, tentatively, then opened it before Faith had a chance to tell her not to come in. She had no idea how Faith would be taking her dumping of Riley, or his of her, whatever it had worked out to in the end.

Faith was lying on her back on the bed, one leg bent at the knee, the other crossed over it, her arms behind her head. Buffy felt suddenly nervous. The day-after stuff had never worked out for her, and so far today her conversation with Faith had been limited to good mornings and discussions of breakfast.

"Faith?"

"I don't know what the hell you expect."

Buffy paused. Faith's words had burst out before Buffy had finished saying her name. And what did she expect? That just because she had forgiven Faith, trusted her, that Faith could immediately return those feelings? Hardly. Again with the unfairness.

"I don't expect anything." Buffy cautiously sat on the bed beside Faith, drawing up her knees and resting her chin on them.

"You think I can replace your farmboy?"

"No...not replace..." Buffy frowned at the bedspread. "Faith, all I know is that you showed me something...that it's not working with Riley. I don't expect...I mean, if you want...but..."

"You figure you can brainwash me before I remember anything. That if I love you now, then of course I'll still be buying you roses once I have my head screwed on straight!"

Buffy drew in a swift breath. Love? Did Faith just say love?

No. Faith wouldn't.

But Faith had. Because she still didn't remember, she still didn't know, and none of this was fair because Buffy wanted her to have said it. The thought that came immediately was, Back away and she can't hurt you.

"The gang is here," Buffy said instead of answering. "Do you want to go down...maybe research, find out what's the what?"

Faith finally moved--turned her head and glanced sideways at Buffy. "You've gotta be kidding me. One, I tried to kill your friends. Two, I have no idea what we're looking for. Three."

"Three?" Buffy prompted when Faith didn't continue.

Faith gave a half-shrug. "I don't know. Whatever. Might as well." She rolled to her feet on the opposite side of the bed as Buffy.

Buffy followed her down the stairs. Faith paused at the bottom, fear flashing through her eyes for a split second. She squared her shoulders, getting the determined look that was so familiar to Buffy from her past several world-saveages. Closed. Grim. Like she was going to face a firing squad. Buffy reached out and put a hand on her shoulder before she could go further. Faith turned and looked at her. They were standing in the hallway, the stairs behind them, the living room just around the corner. Xander's quips and Willow's laugh carried to them easily.

"Faith..." Buffy stopped. She wanted to close up. Shove up walls as fast as she could build them, hide until nothing could get through to hurt her. Faith's old defensiveness, pushing through what she wanted. Instead, she asked, "What was three?"

Faith stared at her, green eyes like glass, like emeralds, hard enough to hurt. "I think I am remembering," she said softly. "Blurs. Pictures. What I felt..." She looked down, away. "You're fucked up if you can forgive that," she said. "I'm fucked up."

Buffy didn't have the words to contradict her. "Faith," she whispered, and pulled her close, and kissed her.

At the first touch Faith's lips parted. Buffy gave a tiny sound of encouragement. Liquid heat shot through her body at the speed of thought. She found Faith's tongue with hers, caressing it, drawing it out. She meant the kiss to be a reassurance, a reaffirmation, but with a sudden twist Faith was pressing her against the wall beneath the stairs, hands holding her in place. Buffy's heart pounded, and she moaned, breath catching. Faith kissed her like she was remembering everything, hatelovejealousylust, her lips hot and quick and frantic.

Buffy let herself be shoved into the wall, hard behind her, Faith in her body like a flame in front. She drew her fingers up, resting on Faith's hips, then sliding lower. Faith panted, mouth open wide, slanting across Buffy's, and Buffy met her, joined her, curving into her heat, her body, her, them both, as if their bodies didn't matter, as if there was only feeling, rapidly drawing to a point, like a knifeblade.

Buffy gasped, found Faith's neck beneath her lips, and mouthed her skin, the taste of her, the sharp line of her chin. Faith's tongue swirling around her earlobe until Buffy's rapid breath filled the spaces between them. She tried to be quiet but she knew there were sounds she couldn't help but make, "Ah!" and "yes" and "F-Fai--Faith!", because they were the only words she had left. Words that meant something. Words that held trust, love, forgiveness.

Which was how Xander found them.

It was the smash of the cheese doodle bowl that brought Buffy out of the haze of kisses. Xander stood in the hallway, staring, dark eyes wide and shocked. Buffy imagined what he saw. Xander knew they'd been switched, but coming upon them, he probably couldn't help but perceive it differently. Herself, dominant and aggressive, using her power to lean on Faith's body, pressing her into the wall. Faith, blushing and flustered, pink-cheeked and bright-eyed, gasping for breath. It's not what it looks like darted stupidly through her brain, but then, he knew that: it was the opposite of what it looked like, but that didn't change the fact that he'd caught the two of them kissing.

"Xander," Buffy said, in her roughdark voice, made huskier by arousal. It was the wrong thing to say to him, the wrong voice; a look of disgusted disbelief washed over his face, and he walked straight out the front door.

*

To be continued! Da da dum, and so forth!