Complement

IX – Hundreds of Tears

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I stood in the warmth of the light ~ Chilled to the bone ~ Hundreds of faces in sight ~ Still I was alone ~ Door after door ~ And room after empty room ~ I've stood here before ~ But under a different moon...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ he rhe ran blinded by her tears; she didn't know where she was going. What did it matter anyway? She ran from the voices in her head, from her past, from the pain, the never-ending pain. Had there ever been a time in her life when it wasn't there?

Faith kept running, until she stumbled and fell coming down hard on her knees. All the pain she had caused others was coming back at her tenfold; to join with the pain she had carried with her since she was a child. It all became confused, jumbled, mixed together, even the pain, the shame she still believed she deserved as a child.

We reap what we sow.

How many times had her Mother told her that?

Hundreds, thousands, more than that?

It was all her fault wasn't it?

Her fault, her Mother couldn't love her.

Her fault, that Johnny came to her in the night.

Her fault, that her bones got broken.

Her fault, her mind, body, soul, were raped and abused.

Year after year, time and time again.

When would she learn?

How many times had her Mother asked her that?

She still hadn't learned, had she?

In the end, and deep down Faith believed this.

She had become everything they always told her she was.

Everything they said she'd be.

Hadn't she?

Faith got up and started running again. From the ugly little secrets she kept locked up tightly in a deep dark place inside her, that had managed to get free. From the Reaper hot on her heels, it was harvest time, and Faith doubted he would show any mercy.
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... I've walked in and out of the fire ~ Between truth and lies ~ Now how many children watch ~ While one child cry's ~ I'll tear down these walls ~ And watch while their souls are freed ~ I'll throw away pride ~ To drown in this endless sea...
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She checked the Magic Shop, the cemeteries, the Mansion, screaming Faith's name, until her throat was raw, and her voice could not rise above a whisper. Still she called hoping that Faith would hear her with her Slayer hearing. But there was no sign of Faith. All her things were still at the Mansion, her wallet, her bag still at the Magic Shop.

Buffy went home, got Dawn and went back to the Mansion to wait.

She curled up on the couch, staring blankly into the empty fireplace. Her mind was racing a mile a minute; she prayed Faith was someplace safe.

'What have I done?

Who am I?

I don't think I know anymore.

Why didn't I listen?

How did I get to this point?

Have I really become this hard?

Is there anything left of who I use to be?

Anything left to salvage?

Do I really have nothing left to give?

Is there no love left in my heart?

No compassion, forgiveness, sympathy, moral compass, empathy, trust, understanding?

Is there nothing left?

Is there just the nothing?

Oh, God what have I become?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?'

Had the years, the weight of slaying done this to her?

Unlike Faith, who thought that being the Slayer was a gift, an honor to have been chosen. A way for her to do the right thing, a way to give back to the world something good, even to a world that had never given her anything but pain. To Faith, being chosen had been her salvation, the chance for her to be the hero, to help the innocent, to right something that was wrong.

'No. Not me, not a gift, it's a curse.'

It felt like the weight of the world lived on her shoulders and in a way, it did. Buffy had begun to believe that she needed to be uncaring, tough, hain oin order to be the Slayer. That caring just got in the way, might cause her to hesitate, make mistakes. Little by little, she felt like she was losing her humanity.

Every thought of what she had done to Faith was like a punch in the stomach. How she had callously used Faith, verbally abusing her. Had actually slapped her hard enough to bruise her that first night. Threatened her and in the end this morning she had hurt Faith just because she knew she could. Had used the one thing against Faith that she knew would cut her the deepest. Had taken the love that Faith gave her freely, that she gave to Buffy without once ever asking anything of Buffy in return and...

'Piece of shit I am, what do I do? I throw it back in her face. Like it was worth less than the dirt under my feet. What have I become, where did the me I always thought I was go? Was I ever really that person or am I fooling myself again? Was that 'Buffy' just someone I made up in my head?

When will I stop punishing her? Punishing her for both our mistakes.'

Punishing her for what had happened when the world came crashing down around the both of them the night Allen died. Punishing Faith for her own mistakes. How hard had she really tried to help Faith after that night? She was too busy with her own problems, so she had let herself believe Faith's false bravado, false words that she had it all under control. But Buffy knew better, had known better that night. Had opportunities after that night to help the Dark Slayer. Had tried but only half-heartedly. She may have only been a teenager herself but she knew Faith had been hurting, knew because of the connection that they shared.

It went even deeper than that, because even back then Buffy felt more for Faith than just a Slayer connection and it scared her then just like it had now. Fear, Buffy knew now was a big part of her inability to help Faith in the past, and her unwillingness to forgive Faith when she had returned. There was blame to be shared by both of them and it was time Buffy took her own fair share.

Buffy had made sacrifices as the Slayer, had been willing to give up her life to save the world, had sent Angel to hell, those were the easy choices. But when was the last time she had ever made a personal sacrifice? Had put someone else's needs before her own? Buffy realized with a sickening feeling that she couldn't remember the last time she had done that.

Faith had though. Faith had come to Sunnydale with no other thought but to help her. What Buffy finally understood was that she would not have a chance of surviving Glory if she kept going down the path she was on. Would not survive at all if she lost everyone, would not have survived this long if she hadn't had the Scoobs and Giles in the first place. She wondered how Faith had managed to survive this long all alone. She had to admire her for it, becausefy dfy doubted she would have been able to. Was, in fact, amazed that Faith still could find any joy at all.

Faith had been willing to risk everything, including her own life to make Buffy understand what it was that was happening to her. Buffy doubted that she would have been able to make that same sacrifice. Faith had proven herself time and again over the last few weeks. Starting from the very first night Buffy had found her in Angel's apartment. Today... today... Faith had made the ultimate sacrifice, she had put aside her own wants, desires, needs, and said the one thing to her, that Faith had to have known would cause her to hate her; in a final effort to get her off her current path.

All of it came crashing into Buffy at once, all her actions, her words, the cruel words she had said today when she knew... she knew that what Faith said was true. When she knew Faith had changed. When she knew Faith was in love with her. When she knew that she felt the same way. Why? Because she was jealous, because she had forgotten how to forgive, because she was afraid, because somewhere along the line she had lost her way. She knew all of this, knew it in a blinding moment of clarity and even knowing it had said and done it anyway.

Buffy felt sick to her stomach, she got up running for the bathroom, and barely made it there in time.

She curled back up onto the couch into a little ball and started to cry. It wasn't for herself she cried, she cried for all the pain she had seen in the Dark Slayer's eyes, and for the pain she carelessly and cruelly added to them.

So so so sorry, I am so sorry.

Please let her be safe.

What I did... So sorry.

Can I ever make it right?

Can you ever forgive me?

Can I ever forgive me?'

As she cried one thing becamry cry clear to her, it was she who didn't deserve Faith, not the other way around.

And as she drifted off into an exhausted sleep it was wondering...

How was it that Faith, who the world had never given anything to but pain, hurt, sorrow, loneliness, and abuse, had managed to keep her humanity; while she, who the world had given everything to, love, joy, friends, family, a home, had managed to lose hers?
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... Hundreds of tears on the water ~ Mercy come rain down on me...
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Faith ran until she reached the highway. She put out her thumb trying to hitch a ride with a passing car. The driver slowed down, took one look at the wild eyed, disheveled Slayer, and sped off. She could only imagine what she looked like. She would probably be afraid ick ick her up too. She saw a gas station up in the distance and quickly headed towards it.

Luckily, the bathroom wasn't locked, although she didn't think it would have been a problem for her to break in. She gasped when she saw herself in the mirror. Her face was streaked with dirt, mascara and tears. She didn't think there was any white left in her eyes, which were almost swollen shut from all the crying. The pain she saw in her own eyes scared even her. Her hair had leaves and twigs in it, and looked like someone had taken a damn teasing comb to it. She was not only an emotion mess, but a physical one too.

There were cuts, scrapes, bruises, on her face, chest, arms, legs, you name it. She was still in the same clothes from this morning and they too were covered in dirt. Faith turned on the water, no hot water, hell why should there be that would be asking for too much wouldn't it? She took off the lifting gloves and her hands shook a little when she saw the scars, which stood out even more since they were the only part of her hands not covered in dirt.

Mentally she slapped herself. She couldn't keep falling apart, she had to get her shit back together. She wouldn't be any good to herself this way. She cleaned up as best she could, 'cause there wasn't any damn soap either.

She drank water from the grungy tap because she had lost her wallet somewhere after she had ran out of the Magic Shop.

'Big surprise, mother-fucker just can't catch one god-damn, son-of-a-bitch, fucking, break!'

She needed to get away, even if for for a few days. Faith knew she couldn't go back right now, knew if she saw Buffy she would lose it, not hurt her, never hurt her, not ever again. Hell and how screwed up was she, she knew if Buffy wanted to still be with her, even if things went right back to the way they were, she wouldn't say no.

Faith had to wonder if she didn't like the abuse. She disregarded that thought quickly. She didn't like to be abused. No, what attracted her to Buffy were all the things Faith knew Buffy was. Had been there when Faith first meet her, the things that Faith knew instinctively were still there behind the wall Buffy had been hiding behind. Faith realized something else as well; both of their lives had taken a turn for the worst the night Allen had died. The only difference between them was that while Faith had taken a short cut, Buffy had taken the long way, but both had been heading for the same destination.

She finished cleaning up and took one last look at herself in the mirror. She smiled a little sad smile at herself. No matter what else had happened today, she knew that Buffy was no longer on that path. Regardless of everything else that happened Faith could be proud of that. She left the bathroom, still shaky, still scared, but her back was straight, her shoulders square. Life sucked anyway. but fuck, she had always known that.

She started walking down the highway in the direction of the only place the Dark Slayer had ever come close to calling home.
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...Hundreds of tears on the water ~ Mercy come rain down on me...
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'What the... Phone! Bag... where's did I put her bag?...'

Buffy practically broke her neck running for the phone that was in Faith's gym bag at the bottom of the stairs.

"Hello..." Buffy peered at the clock it was four-thirty in the morning.

"Buffy?"

"Angel..." There was silence for a minute. Neither one was sure what to say.

"Is everything OK? Is Faith all right? Why are you answering her phone? Can I talk to her? Where is she?" He knew he should have called earlier.

Buffy cut him off, "No. I don't know if she's OK, I don't know where she is." She started crying softly again.

"What happened? What did you do Buffy?" There was real anger in his voice... Buffy couldn't remember... No, she could remember the last time.

It was the night at his office, the last time she had seen Faith, when Buffy had told her to go to jail. What was she going to tell him? How was she going to tell him? She didn't want to hurt him anymore than Faith did. He was her first love; he would always be special to her. They might even still be together if things had been different. Although she wasn't really sure of that anymore. Inside she knew that even if he told her tomorrow that they could be together that it wouldn't be him she would choose if she was given a choice.

"I... I... fucked up. I, we, well I had a fight, I said things... Things, cruel things, things no one shou... I hurt her... I hurt her bad Angel and all she was trying to do was help me. But I couldn't, wouldn't see that... I was wrong so wrong... and now I don't know where she is. I don't know where to look... I came back here hoping she would come here but she hasn't... I've been treating her like shit and she just kept trying harder... I looked everywhere. Her stuff is still here; her bag and her wallet were at the shop... I don't know where she is and I'm scared. Scared for her." She started crying harder.

"How..." He had to stop himself, he was so angry. He should have never let Faith go there he knew it! He also knew he couldn't have stopped her either. Goddamn it! He took a deep breath, even though he had no need for air. "I knew it. I knew something was wrong, goddamn it! I knew it when I talked to her today."

"You talked to Faith today? When? What time was it, maybe she called you after she left, at least then we'll know she's alright..." The sick feeling in her stomach was already telling her what he was going to say. It was him that she had heard Faith talking to today when she eavesdropped on her phone call.

"Early it was around eight or so, she said something about going out to get coffee so it had to be before she took off. Tell me what happened. What the fuck has been going on there that she felt she needed to run?"

Buffy told him everything, well almost everything, she didn't tell him about she and Faith sleeping together. She would not screw up Faith's relationship with Angel by telling him that. She told him everything else, and didn't try to make the picture pretty for herself at all. She was brutally honest about what she had done.

"H – O - W could you? Are you blind, couldn't you see she had changed? Couldn't you have believed me? I had no reason to lie to you. Why didn't you call me if you were still doubtful? What's happened to you? The person, the Buffy I knew would have never done this ever..." There was so much anger in his voice, so much concern there for Faith. He truly cared for her, and Buffy felt even worse than before.

"I don't know... I have no excuse... I was so wrong... I'm not sure who I am anymore..." Angel didn't say anything, there was nothing that he wanted to say that could help the situation. Right now, he had no desire to help Buffy at all; his only concern was for Faith. His only hope that Faith would come here, come to the only place she had once told him, Feel safe here Soul-boy. First time in a long time. Thanks.

"Angel?"

"What?"

"Please, I know... I know you don't have to but if she comes there, please, please let me know... I need to know if she's safe... That she's alright." She waited for him to answer her. "Angel, please?"

"Fine." He hung up on her without another word.

Buffy went back to the couch. She looked out the glass doors into the garden; dawn was on its way. As she stared out there, all she could see in her mind was Faith that morning. As she sat there, turning around, her hand out towards Buffy in a silent request. How for a brief moment in time as they watched the sun rise, there was only them, comfortabwarmwarm, together, and that was enough, it was more than enough.

Buffy watched as the sun rose into the sky, only this time it brought no promises with the new day.
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Angel found her on the balcony waiting for him. She was sitting on the ground, her back against the wall, her arms wrapped around her knees, shivering in the damp morning air.

He went to her and lifted her into his arms, cradling her, like he had all those months ago.

Together in silence, as the vampire with a soul held the Dark Slayer, both of their faces turned up to the sky, they waited for the sunrise to bring them the promises of the new day.
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He carried her into the room that he still kept for her. He had lied to Buffy when he told her that Faith had been staying in an apartment. She had been with him here at the hotel. He didn't think that it would have gone over to well with Buffy.

Faith slept for almost twenty-four hours straight. When she had first got there, Angel had worried that she had slipped back into that dark place. She was quick to assure him that she was all right. Okay well, not exactly Five by Five, more like One by One but she would be Okay...

She was exhausted she had walked for hours until some elderly couple finally had taken pity on her and gave her a lift. Otherwise, she probably would have still been walking. As was his way Angel didn't push her, when she was ready she would talk.

Angel was waiting for her in the kitchen when she got out of the shower. Thankfully, she still had clothes here. He had a huge breakfast waiting for her. She gave him a grateful smile; even though she wasn't hungry she ate. She wasn't looking forward to the up coming conversation she was going to have with him. He deserved to know the whole truth. She knew he had talked to Buffy and also knew that whatever Buffy had told him she hadn't told him everything.

Angel watched Faith while she ate. She kept peeking out at him from under her lashes when she thought he wasn't looking. He could tell she was nervous. There was a little bit of fear in her eyes as well, he knew she was afraid she would lose him after she told him what had happened between her and Buffy. He knew what she was going to tell him. His vampire senses had told him the second he caught her scent out on the balcony that night. He could have told her, but he knew this was something she needed to do. He was hurt, but he wasn't going to fool himself, he was over two-hud-yed-years-old, he was realistic. He had come to terms with the fact that he couldn't be with Buffy that way a long time ago. That he was probably never meant to be in the first place. He was all right with it now, his time would come someday, he knew that Buffy wasn't his destiny. The Chosen Two would have been surprised to know that if he had to pick someone for either of them to share their lives with, he would have picked them for each other.

Angel had hoped that when he had told Buffy she could apologize herself that she would get her butt in gear and come to L.A. That apology needed to come from Buffy's lips not


Faith finally finished her food. Angel would have smiled if the situation wasn't so serious, he had never seen her eat so slow. She lifted her head, and stared unwavering into his eyes, so much pain in those eyes he thought, for someone so young.

"So I guess ya wanna know what happened..."
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"That's all of it. I'm sorry Angel. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't want to lie to you. Please don't hate me." Faith waited for him to say something.

She figured he would throw her out, she could feel the anger coming off him in waves. Once again, she had hurt someone, it didn't matter whether it was intentional or not. Didn't matter whether she started it, she still had done it, she could have said no, but she hadn't. She knew better, and had hurt one of the few people in her life that had ever been good to her. They were right. She was a piece of shit, and she always would be.

Angel watched Faith as she sat there, her eyes were downcast, she was biting her lip, he knew she was trying not to cry. Her body was tense, as if she were waiting for a blow; he knew that Faith knew he was angry. He was pissed all right, but it wasn't at her, it was at Buffy.

"Faith." He tried to keep the anger out of his voice but didn't succeed. He saw Faith jump a little at the tone of his voice.

"Faith." He tried again, this time his voice held nothing but concern for the Dark Slayer. Still she didn't look at him. "Faith, please look at me."

She raised her eyes to him, he thought to himself once again, so much pain, in one so young. At least now, he had an idea of where some of it had come from, the answer she had given to Buffy about being a victim was telling, in and of itself, although he had suspected as much before.

"I'm not angry with you Faith. I am angry, but it's for you, not at you." He could tell that she wanted to believe him, but after all the years of being hurt and what had just happened with Buffy she was struggling with it. She expected the worst from people, and they very rarely disappointed her. He wasn't going to be one of them. He wished he was better at this.

"But..." He held up his hand to halt her, and cringed internally when he saw she shrank back a little.

"No buts. You did nothing wrong. I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt, because it does. But I knew a long time ago that Buffy and I weren't meant to be together. I dealt with it. What she did to you was wrong, and I am pissed at her, not you. A part of me can't even believe she did that. She's a fool if she doesn't see what's standing in front of her. Right now I don't think she deserves anything you have to offer her." Angel saw the confusion in Faith's face.

Buffy didn't deserve her? He must have gone insane while she was gone.

"Look I knew there was something between the two of you from the start. You and she share a connection as Slayers. A bond, an understanding that even she and I could never share. I saw it the night I saw the two of you dancing together at the Bronze, had felt it even before that. You two understand each other in ways that no one else ever could. If I hadn't come back from hell, things might have turned out different back then between you two. Although Buffy always has been good at denial, and I think that it frighten her back then like it does now. If I had to pick someone for you and her to share your lives with, it would be each other."

Faith stared at him in surprise and amazement. He could tell that she didn't believed him, thought that he was lying to try and make her feel better. Faith couldn't figure out why. Why bother? Even if he did believe what he was saying, Faith didn't. Had never believed she was good enough for anyone, had always believed what she had been told and still did, now more than ever...

Angel was determined that he would somehow find a way to show the Dark Slayer she was wrong.
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The five days since Faith had left felt like the longest in Buffy's life. A lot had happened. She had found herself again. Had spent the days after the Quest she had gone on for answers reevaluating her life, herself. She had gotten some of the answers she sought, she didn't like all of them, but she knew what she wanted, knew what to do next. Now all she needed was for Dawn to get home from school.

Buffy let her mind drift back to the events that led up to her Quest. She closed her eyes and saw pieces of it as if they were snippets of a movie.

It had started with the phone call from Angel the morning after Faith had disappeared...

"Is she OK?"

"No she's not. Thanks to you."

"Can I tal..."

"No you can't talk to her. If she wants to talk to you, she'll call you. Get your shit together Buffy. Figure out what you want, where you're going. Because you are no good to anyone the way you are now. Until you do that, I don't want you calling here. You've already caused enough damage, I won't let you cause anymore. Do you understand?"

"Yes... I understand. Angel... tell her, tell her I'm sorry."

"No. You can tell her yourself if she ever talks to you again." For the second time he hung up on her without another word.

She had spent the day thinking about what Angel said. Thinking about how she got to this point, why she had gotten to this point.
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...then her conversation with Giles later that night...

"...I've been feeling kind of uneasy about stuff... Training, slaying... All of it. I mean, I can beat up demons until the cows come home, and then I can beat up the cows, but I'm not sure I like what it's doing to me.... Yeah, strength and resilience, those are like words for hardness. I'm starting to feel like, like being the Slayer is sort of turning me to stone.... I'm just... look, think about it. I was never really there for Riley, not like I was for Angel. I was terrible to Dawn... Before that. Riley left because I was shut down. He's gone - 'And Faith's gone' - and Mom's gone and I really loved her, but I don't know if I... if I let her know... To slay, to kill, you have to be kind of hard inside. Maybe being the perfect Slayer means being too hard to love at all. I already feel like I can hardly say the words."

"How serious are you about this?" Giles had asked.

"Ten. Serious to the amount of ten."

"There is something. In the Watcher's Diaries. A Quest.

"A quest. Like find a grail or something?"

"Not a grail. Maybe some answers. It would take a day, perhaps two. As your Watcher, I'd be part of it. There's
an incantation..."
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...then with her Guide in the desert the next night...

"I know you. You're the first Slayer."

"This is a form. I am the Guide."

"This Slayer thing. What about... love?"

"You think you're losing your ability to love... You're afrthatthat being the Slayer means losing your humanity."

"Does it?"

"You are full of love. You love with all of your soul. It's brighter than the fire, blinding. That's why you pull away from it."

"I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?"

"Only if you reject it. Love is pain and the Slayer forges strength from pain... Love. Give. Forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift... Death is your gift... Your question has beeswerswered..."
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"Buffy I'm home."

Buffy came out of her almost trance like state. She got up quickly from the couch and stopped Dawn from taking off her coat.

"Come on we have to go."

"Where are we going? What's going on. Is everything OK? Is Glory..." Dawn looked a little scared, nervous.

'Shit...'

"Everything is fine, I'll explain in the car, 'K?"

Ten minutes later, they pulled up in front of Willow and Tara's place. Buffy and Dawn went inside. Buffy knocked praying that the two witches were home.

'Smart Slayer, phone, you know call first, Ma Bell.'

"Buffy?" Willow barely got out of the way, before Buffy brushed past her into the apartment.

"Will, Tara I need your help..."
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...Hundreds of tears on the water ~ Mercy come rain down on me ~ In the longest days and the darkest nights ~ Down the longest road there's a presence of light ~ I hear a voice that calls me ~ It's love's name I call ~ In the end – Sheryl Crow
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Continued in Chapter X – Blue Sun