Fragments

Prompt #12: Self-Love

I'm less than happy about this. Was hoping to come up with something better, but in the end was left with only one idea which is what follows. This one is not Buffy/Faith; no mention of Buffy at all. Just a little drabble of a bit of Faith's time in prison, that's all. Hope you enjoy anyway, and the next chap will most certainly be of ship variety :3

Faith's never really been interested in looking too deep into herself; if she has, it's been accidental, and she's run from what was found. She avoids too much self-analysis besides the constant belief stamped into her brain:

You're nothing. A whore. A murderer. No one cares about you because you mean nothing.

So when the prison shrink told her she'd needed to learn how to love herself, she just laughed. And then she stared at the woman as if she didn't have a Ph.D. in psychology.

The shrink- Eve, she allowed Faith to use her first name- gave her some tips on beginning to change her thought process. She'd told Faith to counter the awful thoughts she had about herself with the opposite thought.

"What are the kinds of thoughts that you often have about yourself?" Eve had asked her.

Faith didn't immediately answer, instead finding interest on the faux waterfall on the floor in the corner.

"Stupid, unloved, unwanted, waste of life."

The other woman was quiet for a moment. "Okay. When you think that you're stupid, instead tell yourself that you're smart."

"Why would I lie to myself?" Faith replied. Doing that is what landed me here in the first place.

Eve shook her head. "From what I know, that's far from the truth," when Faith scoffs, she holds up a hand to stop any reply before continuing, "You're working on your GED now, and from what I've seen, you've excelled quite well so far."

Again, the room was quiet, and Faith didn't meet the other woman's gaze.

"You are smart, Faith. And even if you weren't? You'd tell yourself that anyway. Building your self-esteem isn't about living up to your standards of things, nor society's, nor anyone else's. It is about feeling good about yourself and living a much happier lifestyle because of it."

Faith smirks. "So, essentially, it is lying to myself in a way."

Eve shrugs. "In a way, maybe. But if you do it enough, it will become a reality. You won't have to counter the thought because it will be a truth to you."

Faith had tried. She really did. It was difficult when she would try to tell herself she wasn't the piece of shit she's always led herself to believe; the way everyone had always treated her. When she did, she could almost hear that voice, the one that told her what a waste she was, laughing in an echo booming through her head. What a bunch of bullshit. Everybody knows you're nothing. Why try to pretend otherwise?

Right now, it was nearly an hour after lights out. Faith had been trying the things the doc had mentioned: counter thoughts, as well as writing them down or writing down lists of what she was grateful for or what she'd accomplished in life. As for the latter, she only got as far as scrawling I killed a couple people before chucking the pen across the prison yard and ripping the paper to shreds.

Faith had been feeling antsy for days, and she wasn't quite sure why. She knew it must have been how long ago she gotten to slay; or fight, for that matter. She didn't fight back when the other prisoners tried to throw down, not anymore.

So she stretches out on the brick hard mattress, listening for the telltale signs of her bunkmate's slumber before looking around to make sure no one was nearby. She squeezes her eyes shut, a grimace on her face, as she slides her hand between her legs- disgusted at having to get herself off in this place once again. Disgusted with herself, too, mostly.

For now, this is the only act of self-love she can manage.