Later in the Ashes

Later in the Ashes (Chapter Ten)


They were all in the living room now, the silence awkward and uncomfortable. Willow sat on the sofa next to Spike, holding tight to his hand like a child on a roller coaster. Giles sat stiffly in a chair facing them; after a few seconds of restraint and odd hand movements, he couldn’t keep from taking off his glasses and polishing them. Willow felt the ghost of warm amusement, but she couldn’t lose herself in the comfort that gesture used to bring. It might be familiar, but that no longer meant much.

“So,” she said. Not the first time of late that a meaningless monosyllabic word was all she could think of to break the ice.

“Yes,” Giles replied. He was no stranger to the meaningless single word himself.

Spike seemed…tense? Impatient? It was one of those; Willow could sense it in the way his hand felt restless in hers, even though his fingers hadn’t so much as twitched. He didn’t speak; Willow was amazed by that.

She turned to look at him and their eyes locked. It was as if he was staring his courage right into her, his disdain for the rules, even for courtesy. She realized he wasn’t going to fight her battle for her; he knew it was one she needed to win or lose all on her own.

“I’m guessing there’s a lecture you’re planning on giving me, right?”

Her words seemed to take him by surprise. He probably wasn’t expecting her to take an offensive posture. “Why would you…?”

Willow interrupted. “Why would I what? Assume you were here to chastise me? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the fact that you’ve never, ever been here before? Maybe the fact that tonight, after Spike and I risked our lives to help you, all you could do was give me a disapproving look and tell me we need to talk in that tone that means that I’m just not good enough, that I’ve let you down.” She was off the couch now, no longer drawing strength from Spike’s hand in hers. She was using her own instead as years' worth of pent-up bitterness and hurt poured out. “So go ahead, let’s hear what horrible thing Willow’s done.” She sat down hard and dramatically, hands in her lap, a caricature of the perfect schoolchild.

Giles seemed shocked by what she’d said. “I…Have things really got to such a bad state?”

“Yeah, Watcher, they have.” Willow should have known Spike wouldn’t keep his mouth shut forever.

“Spike,” she chided gently, reaching over to squeeze his hand.

“By any chance could we have this conversation alone?” Giles looked pointedly at Spike.

Spike looked at her. She nodded. She was ready to stand up for herself by herself.

“All right then, I’ll just be in the kitchen. All this ‘saving the lives of ungrateful wankers’ nonsense made me hungry.” With that, and one last squeeze of her hand, Spike got up and left the room.

She was on her own.

“So.” This time from Giles.

“Alone at last,” Willow said, falling back into her old habit of placatory and mood-lightening behaviour. She decided to shoot herself in the foot before the behaviour worked. “Time to chew me out, right? Ask me questions, polish your glasses a lot, tell me how I’ve let you down?”

He said nothing for a long moment, just stared. “Things really have gone off-track, haven’t they?”

“And it only took me screaming and yelling and spelling it all out for you to notice. Gee.” Maybe she should have been kinder, but she was bitter, still so bitter, and her heart hurt too much for tolerance and understanding.

“Willow, I…”

“No, no, it’s okay. I mean, hey, I’m not Buffy, so why should you even care?”

“That’s not fair.”

Ah, the word ‘fair.’ Willow was starting to think it was the funniest word in the English language. “No, Giles, you know what’s not fair? The fact that Spike and I almost wound up in a lab being experimented on or worse trying to protect you and you haven’t said thank you to either one of us. The fact that you only notice me when there’s something you need me to do for you, like look things up on the computer while you constantly insult it and, by implication, insult me. The fact that you never cared that I was grieving over Jenny, too. The fact that all I am to you is some tool in Buffy’s fight against evil. I’m just Mr. Pointy with a laptop. That’s what’s not fair.” Until she spoke, Willow hadn’t realized just how far back her bitterness went or how many things she was hurting over. It knocked the wind out of her.

Giles, too, seemed stunned by what she’d said. She thought for a moment that there might be tears in his eyes. “I had no idea.”

She couldn’t allow herself to be moved. “No idea? What? That I’m human? That I have feelings? That I don’t just exist when you need things done?” Off the couch now, she paced the room, letting herself get distracted by ridiculous thoughts. Spike was right; this was a horrible room. Why on Earth had her parents decorated it this way? It looked like the epitome of wholesome WASP tastelessness. They were Jewish, for pity’s sake. It was so completely wrong.

Giles’s voice brought her out of her superficial reverie. “I had no idea that I was hurting you, that I was so thoughtless. If you’d said…”

“And the fact that I’m supposed to remind you that I’m a real person…?”

“You’re right.” He took his glasses off, but seemed to forget to polish them. He simply put them back on. “I do seem to have taken you for granted and I see where you would think that I don’t care, but…”

“But?” She stood, arms akimbo, waiting for the excuse.

If he’d been expecting her to soften, he was disappointed. He was, at the very least, highly uncomfortable now. “But I do care. I do. Do you remember when the vampire version of you was brought here? When we all thought you’d died?” Willow nodded. “I felt…I can’t begin to tell you how grief-stricken I was. “

Again, she was unmoved. “Yeah, I remember that day. I got a big hug. Then the next day it was business as usual. ‘Willow, do this.’ ‘Willow, do that.’ Never a please or a thank you or any acknowledgement that what I did meant a damn thing. Just like tonight. Spike and I save your life and…”

“And I didn’t thank you. I’m…I’m so sorry…I don’t know why I…”

“Because Buffy was there and she’s the only one who matters. I get it. I really do. But let’s just stop pretending that we’re anything but coworkers from now on, okay? We work for a company that fights evil. We’re not friends, we’re not family, we’ve just been doing a job together.”

“That isn’t true. I care about you a great deal.”

“Yeah, right. Sure thing. Thanks. I feel so much better now. It’s a real ‘hills are alive’ kind of moment for me.” Giles looked as if he’d been punched when those last words came out, and Willow was pretty sure she’d gone a bit far, but unringing the bell wasn’t possible. Still, an apology was in order. “I’m sorry,” she said.

“Quite.” Oh great. Now he was seeing himself as the aggrieved party.

“Guess now you kinda know what it’s like, huh?” That caught him unawares. Willow kept going. “Kinda like the way I felt when you told me I needed to go through my problems, but what you really meant was that I had no right to have them for longer than five minutes because it was inconvenient for you. The way I felt when Buffy and Xander abandoned me and talked behind my back. Yeah, maybe now you kind of have an idea of what it’s like when people whose friendship you’ve always counted on treat you like garbage.”

“You’re right.” There was nothing more unexpected he could have said. She collapsed onto the couch. “At least, you certainly have reason to see things that way. But, Willow, it’s not that we meant…at least…it’s simply that…it’s hard for me to know what to do when you’re in pain. You always seem so bright, so cheerful, and then when…well, when Oz departed, it was if you’d become someone else, someone damaged and broken and I don’t know that any of us knew what to do.”

“Listening would have been nice. Maybe acting like you cared? Not whining at me to stop moping? Those would all have been very good things.”

“Yes, they would. And I can see that we made a lot of mistakes. But Willow, we do love you. And this…this relationship with Spike is…”

She stood up in a flash. “Oh! You think I’m having sex with Spike?” The word ‘sex’ made Giles wince. Bonus. “You think that’s what you smelled tonight?” Fyarl demons really weren’t that bright, were they? Or was there a family resemblance to the scent of Angel’s claim? “That’s what this is about. All these phony apologies and this pretense of caring.”

“There’s no pretense involved. I’m worried because I care. Spike is a very dangerous and cunning creature and…”

“There’s no way he’d actually give a damn about Willow the Loser, right? Because, hey, the mousy little geek couldn’t hang onto a werewolf, so why would anyone else ever find her attractive?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Yeah, well what did you mean, Watcher?” Spike was back. “Because I heard every word and nowhere in there did I hear any that convinced me. Oh, and as to Willow and me, we’re not shagging. Not that I’ve never thought about it.” He leered at Willow and gave her a once-over that didn’t make her uncomfortable at all. “Hell, when I kidnapped her, she damn near made me forget Dru’s name.”

“Really?” she interrupted.

“Sure thing, pet.” He turned his attention back to Giles. “We’re friends now, though, and she’s not really the type for that whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing, as you call it. But I care about her and I like her and it’s got nothing to do with any plot or plan or any other ridiculous notion you’ve got in your head. She’s a hell of a girl and I’d say that even if she didn’t have cable.” He winked at her.

“Yes, she is,” Giles agreed. “And Willow, I never mean to imply that I didn’t think anyone would find you attractive. It’s simply that…”

“Spike’s a demon?” she interposed. “So were you a little while ago.”

“Yes, but…”

“But what? You were a demon. That didn’t make any difference to me.”

Giles suddenly had the oddest expression on his face and silence prevailed for a few moments.

“What?” Spike finally said.

Giles glared at him. “I was remembering something I said when…,” he turned to Willow, “when we thought you had died. I said that you were the best of all of us.”

“Yeah, well, maybe saying it to her while she’s alive would work better.” Spike wasn’t having a word of it, obviously.

Willow, on the other hand, was. Bitterness wasn’t who she was, at least she hoped not, and given enough of an excuse, she could let go of at least a piece of it.

“It’s okay, Spike.”

“You’re kidding, right? After the way you’ve been treated?”

“It’s as much my fault as anybody’s,” she said. “Giles kind of had a point earlier. I should have said something. I should have said something a long time ago. Maybe things would be different now if I had.” She went to Giles and put her hand on his arm. “I’m sorry that I let things get this bad before I spoke up.”

That’s when Willow found herself being hugged by Giles for the second time in her life. “I hope this means you’ll give me another chance.”

“Of course it does. “

If she thought she’d managed to get away scot free however, she was wrong. He let go of her and asked the one question she feared more than anything. “Willow, if Spike isn’t the demon whose claim I smelled on you earlier - and looking back on it now, I suppose it was ridiculous of me to believe it was him, given his condition - then who…or was I wrong? Admittedly, I was rather new to being a demon and I could easily have been mistaken, I suppose…”

She walked over to Spike, willing him to provide her with an answer that wasn’t honesty, but knowing that she wouldn’t use it if he did. Time for truth. She whispered the words that revoked the glamour. Giles’s eyes went wide. “You weren’t mistaken, but no, it’s not Spike. It’s…”

“Angel,” Giles breathed. Now he was the one to collapse onto the sofa. “Oh dear lord. How did this happen?”

“Well, Watcher, I should think you’d know this by now, but first the man puts his…”

“Spike!” Willow hissed, blushing to the roots of her hair while stifling an inappropriate fit of giggling.

Again, Giles was taken aback, but he regrouped quickly. “I take it this means that you and Angel are…”

“Lovers. Yeah, we are. And before you yell at me about the curse, he went to see The Oracles and it turns out he won’t lose his soul with me. I have to find the disc with the curse on it to figure out exactly why, but according to the Powers That Be, Angel and I can…well we can, and his soul won’t go anywhere.”

“So, your visits to your Aunt Esther…they…”

“Never happened.”

“And she’s been…”

“Dead since I was in the fifth grade.”

He looked at her for a few seconds and she was sure he was about to chastise her for her dishonesty. “I can imagine it must have hurt…the way Xander was so easily fooled.”

She was disoriented enough by his unexpected reaction to blurt out the truth. “It did.”

There was silence as Giles seemed to be mulling things over. “I don’t know what to do, really. I certainly will say that I would have liked for you to become involved with someone else, someone more deserving of you, someone who isn’t a murderer…”

“Someone who isn’t Buffy’s? Isn’t that what you mean?”

“No, I don’t mean that at all. Buffy’s moved on, though her choice might be questionable, and…”

“And what?”

“And if he hadn’t also, I don’t believe he would have left. Unpopular as my opinion may be, and as afraid as I have been to voice it before, I don’t think Angel felt the same after he…after he came back.”

Now that was a stunner. Even Spike was shocked, and it showed. Soon, however, his slack jaw and wide eyes gave way to a look of grudging respect. Another surprise – Spike giving up his disdain for Giles.

“Be that as it may,” Giles continued, “I don’t think this is something we ought to tell Buffy about, at least not for the time being.”

Willow could not possibly have agreed more and she was vastly relieved by Giles’s attitude.

“May I ask how this…relationship began?”

“It didn’t start here if that’s what you’re afraid of.” Giles shook his head in denial. “I…I thought maybe Oz had gone to Los Angeles, that he’d asked Angel to help him control the wolf. So I went there looking for him. Only he wasn’t there, and... It wasn’t as if I meant for this to happen. Angel didn’t either. At first I thought it was nothing, just a comfort thing. Two people who were lonely and sad just…being less lonely and sad. But then…it turned into something. I guess maybe I should have known that it would, seeing as how he claimed me the first time we were together.”

“Oh dear lord,” Giles said again. But what else could he say? She understood that, from his point of view, this must all seem foolish and dangerous.

“We thought…the first time, he said that he kept his soul because…because I didn’t love him.” The last words trailed off, her voice getting lost in the noise of realizing just what Angel had actually said for the first time. He’d told her that he hadn’t lost his soul because she didn’t love him…not because they didn’t love each other, not because he didn’t love her, but… “Oh,” she whispered.

“I tried to tell you, pet,” Spike said, reading the expression on her face and the tone of her voice as perfectly as he’d understood Fyarl.

He was right; he had, only she hadn’t understood him. English could be as foreign as any demon tongue, she supposed; you could get lost in what you thought was being said and miss the actual meaning.

Willow sat down beside Giles and took his hand. “I know this seems rash and sudden and it’s not what you think is right for me, but…”

“You love him.” The words were said simply and with no great emotion, but Willow still found it hard to breathe.

“Yes, yes I do.” She was going to save saying the actual words for Angel. By rights, he should have been the first to know. “And there’s one more thing. I’m,” she paused for a moment and looked at Spike. “We are moving to Los Angeles.”

Giles seemed hurt and horrified all at once. “Willow, how can you leave your home, your friends, your family?”

That last word got her back up all over again. “My parents haven’t been home since before we had to blow up the school. I’m not even sure they know that I’m a student at UC Sunnydale. Believe me, leaving them? Not a big deal.”

“I meant Buffy and Xander and…and me.”

Now Willow’s eyes welled up, but she wasn’t going to let a night’s sentiment change her mind. “Giles, I have to do this. I can make a real difference working with Angel and…I like being important. As a person, not just as research-and-sort-of-magic-girl. Cordelia and I are actually becoming friends and…we talk… She actually wants me there. I can’t remember the last time I felt like Buffy or Xander wanted me around. I cried in front of Cordelia and she didn’t go running in the opposite direction or try to shut me up. It felt good, you know?”

“Yes, but if you talked to them the way you’ve talked to me tonight…”

“Nothing would change. Giles, I know you mean everything you’ve said, but if I stay in Sunnydale, within a day, maybe a week, everything will go back to the way it was. It’s been like this for too long for things to change. It’s no one’s fault, or maybe it’s everyone’s fault, but that’s the way it is. If you’re honest, you’ll see it’s true. I need to go. Maybe me being somewhere else will break the pattern. Maybe we can start again all fresh and new and when I visit we can be close the way we should be. But no matter what, I have to do this. Whether Angel and I work out or not, I know that leaving is what’s best for me. I love you guys, and I will always will, but…”

“You’re growing up and you need to make your own way.”

It was something like that. Close enough that she answered Giles with a nod and let the matter drop. He knew the ‘more’ of it deep down and that was what counted.

“What are you going to tell Buffy and Xander?”

“Yeah, pet, I’d kind of like to know that myself.”

“I figured I’d tell them that Angel offered me a job and leave it at that. It’s close enough to the truth that I can still keep in touch and…”

“Not so close to the truth that you’d risk being the first human Buffy ever staked if you came back to visit.” Spike knew how to cut to the heart of a matter, that was for certain.

“That seems sensible. I’m sure you know you can rely on my discretion. But…”

“I know. You want me to stay. A part of me does, too. This is my home. It always will be. I’ll come back and visit. A lot. I promise.” She took a chance and hugged Giles, hoping that wasn’t too much physical affection for one night. He surprised her by returning the embrace.

“Please take care. And call me if you ever need anything.”

The way he was acting, she could tell Giles assumed she was leaving right away. She hadn’t planned to, but then again…why not? Why not just pack her bags and go? She knew Spike wouldn’t mind, that was for sure.

“Does Angel know…about Spike, I mean?” Oh yeah, there was that.

“Umm…I kind of still have to tell him. But I’m pretty sure it will be okay. It has to be. I won’t leave Spike here with those commandos all over the place. Especially not now that Buffy’s dating one.”

“Yes, quite.” Nice to know that Giles actually saw her side of the matter.

“Don’t forget you still owe me $180, Watcher. I expect to be paid before the little lady and I head off to live with Dad.” Spike was obviously not comfortable with the direction the conversation was going in. She understood. He hated being reminded of how vulnerable he was.

“Of course. I haven’t forgotten.” He paused for a moment, reaching into someplace that wasn’t his wallet to repay the part of the debt that money wouldn’t cover. “Thank you, Spike. You risked your well-being and your life for me and…I’m grateful.”

Spike’s expression vacillated between discomfiture and something that looked oddly like gratitude until it finally settled into the familiar sneer. “Yeah well, that’s nice, but it won’t cover my expenses. Take care to have that cash for me soon.”

Giles decided not to take umbrage at Spike’s less than gracious reception of his gratitude.“Thank you, too, Willow. You risked your life as well. Heaven knows what could have happened to you, and…”

“It’s okay. You’re worth it.” A few hours ago, maybe even while she was actually taking the risks, she wouldn’t have necessarily felt that way, but she did now and that was what counted. Giles cared, he cared a great deal. And while she knew she was right and that staying would only mean a swift return to the status quo, she also understood that it didn’t mean he didn’t have any regard for her or for her feelings. He’d just grown so used to taking her for granted that he didn’t even realize that’s what he was doing. Somehow, while it didn’t change anything, it changed everything, or at least made it hurt less. That was something.

A few more remarks were made by all, but they were superfluous and existed merely to smooth out the awkward edges of leave-taking after such an emotional confrontation. Soon enough, the door closed behind her visitor and the sounds of the Citroen gasping and choking its way down her drive and onto the street faded into the eerie calm of the Sunnydale darkness.

Spike pulled her into his arms, stiff and uncertain about it, but there was warmth in the gesture. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks,” she replied, her words muffled against his chest. He reminded her oddly of Jesse, though she couldn’t quite put her finger on how or why. It made her think of him, though, and she was happy. She’d kept her promise to remember her old friend each day.

They broke apart. Neither of them knew just what to say, so they didn’t say anything. Willow marveled at herself. There had been a time not so long ago when having no idea what to talk about wouldn’t have stopped her from babbling away. Was it maturity, wisdom, or had she simply exhausted her store of nonsense after a lifetime of rattling on and on?

Still, like it or not, words at the ready or no, there was one thing more she was going to have to talk about tonight. After all, she was tired enough and flushed with success enough to brave it now. Who knew what the morning would bring?

Without pausing to discuss it with Spike, she headed straight for the phone and dialed a familiar number. No need, after all, to wonder if the one she was calling was awake when dawn was still hours off.

The phone rang once, then again, until it was picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Angel.” Did her voice sound like a bad impression of Minnie Mouse or was that just her?

“Willow, what’s wrong?” Oh. Her voice really did sound fake and bizarre.

“I…I’m gonna be there soon. Maybe in a couple of days.”

“That’s great news!” He paused for a moment and Willow could almost hear the wheels turning in his head. “Why do you sound so worried? Are you afraid I’ve changed my mind? Because I thought you realized that…”

It was now or never. “I’m bringing Spike.”


Tbc…