So Damn Domestic

Three Months Later. BPOV


It has been a rough couple of months, let me tell you. After I saw that the tattoo was gone we were both really excited, we couldn’t wait for that little life to be born. She did everything she was supposed to, she stopped smoking, we’re all eating right making it a little easier on her. We don’t want to rub it in her face that she can’t eat the foods that her body is really craving. That baby wants a lot of fried foods, every time we go by a KFC or Popeye’s Chicken she has a little panic attack because she wants to eat there so badly. And you wouldn’t believe the morning sickness, wait let me correct that, the sickness, you wouldn’t believe the sickness. She’d wake up early in the morning and run off to the bathroom, she’d eat lunch and then forty-five minutes later be puking her guts out. It was way worst then when I was pregnant. But now that she’s three months the morning sickness is starting to go away. She complains a lot about her breasts hurting, but I understand that. And you would not believe the rants when she can’t fit into a pair of pants. She’s already starting to put on weight and her butt is too big for her to fit into any of her leather pants, but she’s only gained like five pounds.


And in no way is she bitchy like I was. I think I would prefer the bitchiness to what she’s going through. She cries, a lot and over almost everything. Like this morning I made her breakfast and I accidentally burnt one piece of bacon and she started sobbing like someone shot her puppy or something. Oh! And speaking of dogs, it’s so disgusting what she lets Tucker do. She’ll be lying down on the couch watching T.V. and he’ll walk over to her and start sniffing her stomach and then he’ll push her shirt up with his nose and start licking her belly, and she lets him! Isn’t that totally disgusting? Please agree with me on this because all of my friends think that it’s cute. Cute? What the hell kind of crap is that? I tell her that it’s gross but she says that it’s his way of accepting the baby or whatever. I figured that since she’s been cut off of almost all fatty foods and most of the foods that she really likes I would order out. I pay the man at the door and thank him. I ordered a meal large enough for ten and he’s looking at me like I’m crazy. I set it on the kitchen table and then walk towards the bedroom. Faith went in there half an hour ago to read. That’s another thing she’s been doing a lot lately, it’s weird. She’s already read like twenty novels.


I stop at the door and I smile to myself. Thank God she doesn’t see me because this is too good to not watch and I don’t want to ruin it. She’s standing in front of the floor length mirror that I have up against the wall. She has something in her hand, it looks like a wadded up towel, maybe some old shirts, I’m not sure. But she’s stuffing it under her shirt and arranging it so that it makes a perfectly round large bump on her stomach. She studies herself in the mirror, running her hands over the bump and I can see the tears starting to form in her eyes. Oh boy, here we go. I watch her for a few more minutes. The tears silently fall down her face and she wipes them away. I wonder what she’s thinking about. What is going on inside of that head of hers that is upsetting her like this? I walk silently into the room and she sees me in the mirror. She just looks down at her belly again, her hands are back on the large bulge again. I wrap my arms around her, resting my hands on top of hers and I kiss the side of her neck and then rest my chin on her shoulder. We’re quiet for a few seconds before she breaks the silence.


“Will you still want me when I get this big? Will I still be attractive to you?” So that is what this is all about? I tighten my grip on her a little and start to kiss the side of her neck again, leaving a couple of hickies. She moans out, the hormones in her body have taken their affect on her libido big time. She wakes me up almost every night to have sex. Not that I’m complaining or anything. And she gets so turned on so easily. It’s almost funny to watch. I gently scrape my teeth over the soft skin on her neck and she rolls her head back and moans loudly and starts grinding her ass against me. I smile and then pull back. She groans very displeased because I stopped. She looks at me through the mirror, her eyes are dark with arousal and I think about taking her right here. Just pulling out whatever is stuffed under her shirt and slipping my hand into her sweat pants, but I can’t because not only is the food here but the door is open and Matthew could walk in any second.


“No matter what, I will always want you.” She smiles at me and tilts her head to the side and kisses me on the cheek. I remember when she used to hold me like this. I would stand in the front of this same mirror and look at my growing belly. I never worried that I was unattractive, I was too wrapped up in the fact that I was having Faith’s baby. I stand in front of it, topless but with a bra on, and just stare at the bulge of my stomach and just think about a million different things. I wondered what the baby would look like, this is when we still thought it was a girl, so I would wonder if she would look more like Faith or myself. I wondered if she would bond with Faith, if she would know that Faith is her ‘father’. I would wonder what her first word would be and how hold she’d be when she takes her first step. If she would have any slayer powers or not and if she did then how old she’d be when we take her out on patrol. Faith would walk up behind me and hold me like I’m holding her right now and most of the time we’d end up making love because those hormones wreaked their havoc on my system and I was hornier then a dog in heat.


“So, like, if there were a building on fire and I had to run in to save a bunch of people but I got wicked burns and I scared all over the place and my skin is all black and pink and shit after I get better and I’m all ugly, you’d still want me?” I take in a deep breath, wow she’s been thinking a lot about this, hasn’t she? It’s kind of strange if you think about it, she used to be so cocky, not just back in Sunnydale but here as well. We’d be walking through the grocery store and point out all of the people that wanted to sleep with her, most of them were teenage boys, but she always named off, like, the entire store, including all of the women. And now she’s questioning herself. I roll my eyes up and let out a little ‘hmm’ as if I’m thinking about it. I’m just joking though, but I keep forgetting that she’s hormonal, I keep forgetting that she’s really sensitive right now. She pulls my arms off of her and as she rushes off to the bathroom she grabs the towel and throws it behind her. She slams the bathroom door and starts crying. I feel like such an ass. I thought I was supposed to be the feminine one of this relationship? Now I have an idea of how things are for her, damn do I sympathize. I walk over to the bathroom and try to open the door but it’s locked.


“Faith, baby, I didn’t mean it. I was just joking around. I would still want you, baby. Please come out Faith. Dinner is here, I ordered from your favorite Chinese place. Please Faith, I’m sorry.” I really hope she comes out because ordering a Chinese dinner for ten and then adding on extra stuff is not cheap. I hear her sobs start to quiet down a little bit and I sigh a breath of relief. I see Matthew walk out of his bedroom and close the door. He walks towards me. He stands beside me and stares at the white door in front of us. He looks up at me and I look back at him. He sighs really loudly and folds his arms over his chest.


“How did you hurt her feelings this time?” Oh, that little kid and his attitude. He was really excited when we told him that he’s going to be a big brother. He really wanted to take an active roll with the pregnancy, Faith practically made him her little slave and he was always running to the kitchen to get her stuff. But when she started getting sick he blamed it on the baby. I tried to explain to him that it isn’t the baby’s fault, that there are these things called hormones and when a women gets pregnant with a baby her hormones get all weird and she gets sick. He came back with ‘well if she didn’t have a baby in her belly then her hormones wouldn’t be weird’. I didn’t know what to say because he’s right. And then she started crying a lot because her boobs hurt so bad and she couldn’t pick Matthew up because if anything brushed against her breasts she’d start crying really hard, according to him that was also the baby’s fault.


Then one day he heard me make a wisecrack when Faith tried to put on a pair of leather pants and she couldn’t, and she started crying really hard after I made the remark, I don’t even know what I said now, but he heard it and saw how she reacted and now every time she runs off to the bathroom crying he automatically blames me for it. He’s become very...resentful? Is that the right word? He went from thinking that the baby is a good thing to wanting it to just go away, and he’s really bitter towards me now. And he says things like he just did, full of this hateful attitude and I would never hit my kid but sometimes I just wanna smack his mouth a little bit when he talks to me like that. I kneel down so that we’re eye to eye and I grab onto his upper arm so he won’t walk away from me. I frown and furrow my eyebrows and clench my jaw a little bit.


“You never ever talk to me like that, Matthew. I’m serious, you do not talk to anyone like that, ever. I know you’re mad because Mama is so sick but she’s going to get better. This is just what happens when women have babies. I thought you wanted to be a big brother?” My voice isn’t as stern as it was in the beginning. He looks conflicted now and I feel bad for him because he doesn’t fully understand what’s going on. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and looks away from me. He looks a little sad now and I want to reach out and hug him but I would really like for him to answer the question first. I sigh a little and run my fingers through his hair. “Sweetie, I thought you wanted to be a big brother?” I ask again hoping that maybe he’ll answer if I keep asking. He sighs and keeps looking down.


“I do, but the baby is makin Mama sick and she’s sad all the time and I don’t want her to be sad anymore because she doesn’t play with me.” I reach out and pick him up. I stand up and carry him into the living room, holding him really close to me the entire time. It’s true that Faith hasn’t been as active, this depression is taking its toll on all of us. It’s hitting him a lot harder then I thought it would. I didn’t think that she was going to get like this, but she’s going to get better and soon. Once the morning sickness goes away she won’t be as bad. I hope. She will get better. I bought a couple books on pregnancy and the morning sickness usually goes away at about four months, and her breasts are going to really hurt at about five months when the colostrum develops. Right now she’s just sensitive and Faith has never really taken pain very well, and with her hormones all out of whack it’s worst.


“Look, Matthew, I know this is hard to understand, but when a baby is growing inside a mommy’s tummy things happen to her body. And because this is Mama’s first baby.” And because of this probably her last. “She isn’t used to what’s going on. I’m trying to help her but it’s just going to take time. Ok?” He nods his head yes but he still looks kind of sad. This is just an adjustment, it’ll take a while for him to get used to it but he will. And I’ll try really hard to get Faith to spend some more time with him. “Tell you what, after dinner me and Mama will read you a couple of books, ok?” He smiles and nods his head vigorously. He loves it when we read to him and we try to do it as often as possible but lately he hasn’t really wanted us to. I don’t know why but oh well. I give him a kiss on top of his head and he jumps off of me and runs over to the table. He sits in his chair and I go over to the bathroom to see if Faith is ready to come out or not. She’s not in the bathroom so I go looking for her. I find her in the bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed, starting off into space. I slowly walk into the room and sit down next to her.


“I know that I can’t control it, it’s all of these hormones or whatever, but I’m sorry that I’m so...weepy.” She looks over at me and runs a hand through her long locks. I smile slightly and cup her cheek with my hand. “I’m trying hard to control it because I know that it upsets Mattie. I didn’t think he was gonna react like this. I heard the way he talked to you...has he done that before?” I nod my head yes and she looks away from me. This is the first time that she’s heard Matthew talk to me like that. He usually only says things like that when we’re alone. I think he knows that him saying things like that will upset Faith and that seems to be one of the last things he wants to do. “Maybe this whole baby thing was a bad idea after all.” She says it so softly that I can barely hear her, but I still heard it. I shake my head and use my thumb to gently turn her head so she’s looking into my eyes. I never want her to think that again, ever.


“No, Faith. This is a good idea. Things are going to get better, your body is just trying to get used to this. Matthew will adjust to it, it just takes time. Please don’t ever think that us bringing another life into this world is a bad idea, because it’s not. I know that things suck now, really suck, but it won’t be as bad. When your morning sickness goes away and you develop the colostrum you won’t be as bad.” She laughs a little. At her last doctor’s appointment he explained what colostrum is and how it might hurt when it develops and that even if Faith isn’t planning on breast-feeding, which she isn’t, then she should at least let the baby drink up all of that because it’s really good for them but once the actual breast milk develops then she can stop if she wants. I did the same thing, breast-feeding was just too big of a demand on my body and it was easier just to use formula. “I still think you are the most beautiful, the sexiest, and most caring woman on this earth. And nothing is ever going to change my mind of that. You’ve been...a little depressed, and mood shifty but you are getting better and your breasts aren’t as sore anymore. You just need to spend a little more time with him and he’ll get better. And don’t worry about me, I can hold my own.” She laughs a little and I lean in and place a soft kiss on her lips. I pull away before it gets too deep because once she gets worked up there’s no turning back. “Why don’t we go in and have some food. I think Matthew already ate most of the egg rolls.” She laughs again and we walk into the kitchen to enjoy a nice, quiet dinner.


FPOV


All of you probably think that I’m insane. I feel like it sometimes. Everything is just changing so much so fast and I can’t control any of it. I hate not being able to control what happens to me. And look what I’ve done to my family: I make Buffy feel bad about herself because I can’t control my stupid girly emotions and little jokes that I would normally be able to take bring me to fucking tears. Mattie is angry a lot more then normal and talkin to B like she’s to blame for all of this. I’ve been ignoring him a little, not playing with him as much and I can’t pick him up because my boobs are still sore. God this sucks. And I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like if Buffy isn’t inside of me in like five seconds I’ll just die. And it isn’t always in the middle of the night. We were grocery shopping last week and we went into the frozen foods section and I saw what the cold was doin to Buffy’s body and it was getting me all worked up until I finally snapped and I dragged her off to the bathroom and we had a quickie in one of the cleaner stalls. I know that she wants me, and that she’ll always love me but lately I can’t help but feel like I’m just not attractive anymore. Like she’s going to look at me and think ‘eww , look at her gross belly and all of those disgusting blue lines on her stomach and boobs, that’s just sick. Why would I wanna be with that?’ And I freak out a little bit.


She was mean and bitchy when she was pregnant but she was never like this. She was too wrapped up in thoughts about the future to really care about whether people thought she was hot or not. I still thought she was hot, she was beautiful, but I just don’t feel like I am. God, look at me, I’m turning into a total girl. Well, I’m just going to have to suck it up because I can’t ignore them anymore. I have been ignoring Buffy emotionally, I think. I can’t help but feel like I’m only using her for the sex because basically I am. If we’re not having sex then I’m usually off in my own world just lying around and moping. I still spend time with my son but not as much and we I do it’s usually watching T.V. or eating meals together. We don’t do a lot of the things that we used to do. I haven’t been training with him, we don’t play outside together a lot because I’m afraid of what might happen to the baby if I fall down, I haven’t been reading to him although I’m not really sure why. I’ve been a bad mother and it needs to change.


So now that dinner is over with and I’ve helped Buffy clean up the dishes I pick up my son and adjust him so he won’t touch my boobs and I carry him into his bedroom. He changes into his pajamas and crawls under the covers. I walk over to the large bookcase that’s up against the wall next to the bed and I pick out three of his favorite books, ones that I’ve read so many times that I have most of them memorized. I skip forward to the second chapter of the first book. I know what you’re probably thinking: ‘a little kid’s book has chapters? I thought they were supposed to be short?’ Each chapter is a different story and these aren’t very long, ten maybe twelve little pages or something like that. I sit down on the edge of his new bed, Buffy finally convinced him that he was too old for the plastic racecar bed and now he has an oak wood bed frame. It is so much better then that racecar. Anyway, I sit down on the edge of the bed and open up the book to the second chapter.


“Alright, this one is called ‘In Which Pooh Goes Visiting and Gets Into a Tight Place’.” I was a little concerned when Buffy brought home the Winnie-the-Pooh book because I thought that it was a book for girls but he likes it and I enjoy reading it to him so whatever. And it’s the original story, the one written back in 1926. I feel a little proud knowing Winnie-the-Pooh’s real name, don’t ask me why. I clear my throat very dramatically he smiles a little and moves around to get comfortable. “‘Edward Bear, known to his friends as Winnie-the-Pooh, or Pooh for short, was walking through the forest one day, humming proudly to himself’.” I continue to read the chapter and I’m over dramatic about almost everything, using large hand and arm movements and different voices for the different characters.


I know Buffy is watching from the bedroom door but she isn’t going to come in here. She wants me to have this time with Mattie alone because we haven’t had any mother-son-bonding-time since I starting getting the morning sickness that doesn’t know how to tell time. He must’ve been a little more tired then I thought because I’m just finishing this chapter and he’s already drifting off. “‘So, with a nod of thanks to his friend, he went on with his walk through the forest, humming proudly to himself. But, Christopher Robin looked after him lovingly, and said to himself, ‘Silly old Bear!’” I close the book and watch as Mattie’s eyes slowly close with the heaviness of sleep. I lean forward and give him a little kiss on the forehead then stand up and put away the books. I turn off the large floor lamp next to the bed and walk out of the room, closing the door behind me.


I wrap my arms around Buffy and rest my head on her shoulder. I give her a little kiss on the neck. I take her by the hand and lead her to the living room and I turn out all of the lights on the way so that entire house is nice and dark. I sit down on the couch and sits next to me. I curl up in her arms and nuzzle her neck with my nose. This is just what I need. Maybe now things will get so much better now that I know what’s really been going on and not just what Buffy wants me to think. I know why she didn’t tell my why Mattie was acting like that, she doesn’t want me to worry because I’m so stressed out enough as it is. But now that I know, I can work at making it better. I snuggle a little closer to her. She says that since I got pregnant I’ve been more ‘affectionate’. According to her I want to snuggle and cuddle a lot more, and yes there is a difference between the two. But whatever. I just wanna be in her arms, is that so wrong?


“I can’t wait until you get your bump, and the little baby starts moving around.” She whispers and she sounds so happy. All of those thoughts before about this maybe being the wrong thing to do go out the window because hearing her sound so at peace makes it all worth it. I’m not just having this baby for her. I really do want to bring another little person into the world. I want to be able to cradle them at night and tell them about the labor and what it was like to bring them into the world like B used to do with Mattie. I want that type of bond. I want to be able to hold my baby for the first time and have that look in my eyes and on my face. That look of like ‘so you’re the one that’s been kicking me’. Buffy had that look on her face, it was almost like she recognized him even though she was seeing him for the first time. I’m not good at explaining it, I don’t think this is the kind of thing that can be explained, you just have to experience it for yourself. And I can’t wait for it to happen. Although the pain is going to be a bitch, that’s something that I can’t forget.


“I can’t wait to find out if it’s a boy or a girl.” And I can’t. I really wanna know. Buffy thinks that we should wait until it’s born to be surprised like we were with Mattie but I can’t do that. We were just so convinced that Mattie was going to be girl because we figured that since we’re both girls we wouldn’t be able to make a boy, damn we were wrong. And now that I know my baby could be either one I really wanna know which one it is. I hate calling my baby ‘it’, I just wanna be able to say he or she, him or her. And don’t even get me started with decorating the nursery. We already got rid of the bed that was in the spare bedroom, we took down all of the decorating that Buffy did to make Willow feel more welcome and now we just have to completely redo the room. We need to repaint it because I don’t want our baby in a plain white room, we need to fix up the crib, buy a new basinet, get a new rocking chair, and just stuff. I can’t really think of anything else right now, but there is a lot we need to do.


“How are you feeling? Are you ok?” I think about her question for a minute or two. For the first time in what seems like forever I really am ok. I don’t feel like I’m doing everything wrong, I’m not afraid that the world is going to come crashing down on me. For once I feel like I can be happy and not worry about anything. I’m not waiting for the other shoe to drop, whatever the hell that means. I feel like everything is finally right, everything is back to the way it should be. I know I’m not going to feel like this for long. Tomorrow will rise and with a whole new set of worries and mood swings, but for now, things are perfect. I’m also feeling a little playful. Maybe I should start acting like a girly girl every once in a while, its kind of fun. You get to do that little babyish voice and bat your eyelashes and tease a little. I blame the pregnancy. I never used to think that until I got pregnant. So to everyone who might be suspicious, it’s all the pregnancy.


“Well...” I trail off and start to pull at the collar of her shirt a little bit and use my index finger to leave feather soft touches on the exposed skin of her chest. “I feel like kissing you, and touching you, and teasing...just a little bit.” She smiles a small smile at me, a little crooked smile. I look up at her through my eyelashes and pout a little bit and give her this innocent smile. She’s not the only one who can be playful and innocent about it. Then the little minx leans down and tries to kiss me but I pull away, just out of reach. I definitely don’t have an advantage because I’m lying against her so she’s higher up and in a position of control. She’s able to capture my lips but I don’t let her dominate me, not yet at least. I pull away just a little and nibble on her bottom lip, and gently suck on it. I pull on it gently and she tries to free herself but can’t. I let go of her and look into he eyes.


I lean in and kiss her again but it’s short lived as I pull back and take off for the bathroom. I hate this stupid morning sickness bullshit that doesn’t know how to tell time. And when I finish puking my guts out I’m no longer in the mood. Dammit! I hate throwing up! I flush the toilet and then rinse my mouth out. I stare at my reflection for a few seconds. I take a couple of deep breaths to try and force away the new feeling of nausea. Damn, this sucks. My mouth waters up and I can feel the rest of the junk in my stomach start to work its way up. I fall to my knees and lean over the toilet. It burns the back of my throat really bad and I can feel some tears leaking their way out of my eyes. I hate this so fucking much. I can handle the mood swings and feeling unsexy but I can’t handle this. I hear the door open and I feel Buffy rubbing my back and with one hand and holding my hair up with the other. I’d smile it I weren’t too busy hurling up the last of the chow mien that I had for dinner. Finally it ends and I rest my forehead on the edge of the cool glass. I feel her put my hair back with a hair tie and then she stands up. Hey! The rubbing stopped. God, I’m pouting again, make it stop! I feel her gently turn my head to the side and she starts to dab at my forehead with a cool washrag. God that feels so good. She sees my tears and her eyebrows furrow a little bit in that cute way.


“Shh baby, it’s ok. This is just the bad part. Try not to think about it. Think about what it’ll be like when you hold that little baby in your arms for the first time how beautiful she’ll be. And then when we bring her home for the first time.” She smiles a little and wets the rag again and then places it on the back of my neck. Mmmm, that feels even better. Wait...what did she say? She? How does she know the baby is a girl? I give her this questioning look but she pretends not to see it. Umm...ok, what the hell? She’s never done that before, that I can remember at least.


“You know somethin that I don’t?” I ask and she looks at me with a questioning look, like I’m the crazy one. She gives a little ‘hmm?’ and then takes the cloth off of my neck to wet it again. I grab her by the wrist to stop her from moving away from me. She looks down at me, her eyebrows are furrowed a little bit. I gently ease her down so she’s sitting on the floor next to me. “You said ‘she’. You said to think about what it’ll be like when I hold the baby in my arms for the first time and how beautiful she’ll be. And what it’ll be like when we bring her home. Do you know something that I don’t?” She looks away from me and softly picks at the cloth as if she’s picking off imaginary lint or something. She sighs heavily and keeps looking down at the cloth in her hands.


“It’s stupid but a couple months ago, the morning I saw that the tattoo was gone I had this dream, I know it was probably just a dream, but I saw this little girl she was like five or six. She had your hair color, but it was straight like mine, and these light brown eyes, she looked a lot like me. And she was ours. She was playing baseball with Matthew out in the backyard. She was beautiful, a little bratty but...I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. Her name was Addison, I think I called her Addy for short or something like that. I’ll be grateful and happy with whatever we get, ya know, but I guess I’ve always wanted a little girl. Maybe the dream was just my subconscious showing me what I could have.” She gets really quiet and I zone out also. Addison...that name...maybe she really did have a slayer dream. I can’t believe this, it’s just so...I just can’t believe it.


“Addison Kristine.” She looks up at me with this confused look on her face. I smile a little bit and then think of where I heard that name before, all of the different times I spoke it. I can’t believe I would name my kid after her though, even after seeing everything I have as a slayer and a mother and fiancé I’m still surprised. I guess I’m not as jaded as I thought. “My neighbor had this little girl named Addison I was twelve she was like eight maybe nine. Her parents were tweakers and I would go over there and take care of her when they were passed out or out buying the drugs. We cared about each other, we were like sisters, I guess. Then social services came and took her away.” I stop talking, I’m not sad remembering her, those are pleasant times that I really do like to remember. I’m quiet as I think about all of the good and bad things that could have happened to her. I really wish I knew her full name, it’d look her up, see how she’s doing. I know what she’s about to ask, so I just cut her off. “Kristine was my mom’s name.” I cannot believe I would actually give tribute to her. But I guess that’s what sucks most about being someone’s offspring, you love them even if they make your life a living hell. The name is nice though. I can just imagine Buffy getting mad at something she does and yelling out ‘Addison Kristine Lehane, you stop that right now!’. Buffy’s right, I just need to think about the future goodness and forget about this stupid morning sickness crap.


I reach out and cup her cheek with my hand in that little reassuring way. I need her to know that it’s fine. I don’t like my mom, God do I not like my mom, but there are memories that aren’t so bad. I can think about my mother without having a break down, it’s possible. I smile a small smile at her and she smiles back. I get up and flush the toilet, why didn’t I do that before? Anyway, I stand up and then rinse my mouth out. I use almost half of the mouthwash to get that nasty taste out of my mouth. We both need to brush our teeth anyway. When we’re done we go into the bedroom and get ready for bed. I change into a pair of silk boxers and a baggy t-shirt. I crawl under the covers feeling tired but happy, surprisingly. I’m usually really cranky after I get sick like that. She gets into the bed too. I turn on my side so that my back is facing her and I scoot closer to her. She seems to get the hint, which is good, and she starts to spoon me from behind. I take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Now I know why she likes it when I do this to her, it feels really good to be held in someone’s arms like this. I wonder if she’ll still do this after I have the baby and resume my badass image?


BPOV


That’s right, today is the day we go in for Faith’s ultrasound! I’m so excited. I know that we’ve had them before and seeing the tiny little baby for the first time was amazing, but today is the day we find out if it’s a boy or a girl! I’m so excited, I already said that. God, I think I’m going crazy. These past two months have been great. Since Faith realized that she was being a little...over dramatic about some stuff she’s calmed down a lot, especially after she found out how it was effecting Matthew. She’s almost back to normal except for her growing belly! It’s so cute, you wouldn’t believe it. She’s really self-conscious about it though. She’s gets all huffy and puffy when she sees me glancing at her belly when I think she’s distracted and doing something else.


And Matthew has gotten so much better. I can’t believe the turn around. Faith has been spending more time with him and after we both sat down and explained what it really means to be a big brother he got all excited. We told him that a big brother is a very important thing, that it’s their job to help look after the baby and take care of it and make sure that it doesn’t get hurt by anyone or anything. So now he’s bound and determined that he’s going to be the baby’s bodyguard or something, which is good. We want him to feel like he is a part of what’s going on. The last thing we want is for him to feel alienated by this. We’re already letting him help out a little bit with some stuff. Like when we bought a new rocking chair for the nursery he helped Faith and Xander put it together. I tried to help but building stuff is more their thing.


I really wish she would hurry up. Matthew and I were ready to go like five minutes ago. This whole ‘being pregnant’ thing as really turned her into more of a girly girl. Maybe it’s just too much estrogen. I’m sure once the baby is born and her hormones calm down she’ll be back to her old sarcastic self again. Finally! She walks down the hallway, she decided to change into a baggier t-shirt then she would normally wear in public. She’s really self-conscious about her belly. I think it’s mostly because almost everywhere we go someone will walk up to us and start going on and on about how cute babies are and how they’re happy that she’s having one and then they try to touch her belly. Some people can be so intrusive. I give her a quick kiss as we walk out the front door and towards the car. I hook Matthew up in his booster seat and get into the driver’s seat. Faith is already buckled and ready to go. Have I mentioned that I’m excited about this?


So I park the car in the parking lot of the hospital and we walk into the large building. We go into the elevator and I have to hold Matthew back because he wants to push all of the buttons. It’s so irritating when people do that. I hit the number six button and we start to go up. It stops and like five other people get on. Can’t they wait? Don’t they understand the importance of this hospital trip? Obviously they don’t or they wouldn’t have delayed us from getting to our floor. Ok, I need to stop thinking like a selfish little kid. Of course they don’t know that Faith is pregnant and we’re on our way up to get the ultrasound and they have to get places too. Finally it reaches our floor and on our way out Matthew manages to press ten of other buttons. Someone else on the elevator catches my eye and they give me a little glare. I can’t help but smile a little bit, that’s what they get for making us wait a whole extra minute.


Anyway, we walk into the waiting room of the...I’m not so sure what this floor is called. I’ve always just called it the ‘mommy and baby floor’, but I know that isn’t right. Hmm, what is the name of it? This is going to bother the hell out of me. Now all I’m going to be able to think about all day is the name of this floor. I look around for a sign, why isn’t anything labeled with anything more then numbers? That isn’t a very good system if you ask me. But nobody did so I guess I’ll just shut up now. So we walk into the large waiting room and sit down. Faith slouches down in her seat, like always. I don’t care if she does it at home but when we’re out it public would it kill her to be a little more lady like? Being a slayer and also just a little bit of a rebellious chick I think that girls have the same rights as boys and can act how they want, but would it be asking too much that she doesn’t have her legs wide open like that? I roll my eyes a little bit as she opens up a Sports Illustrated magazine and starts to flip through it.


Matthew sits in my lap and I gently run my fingers through his hair. He starts asking all sorts of questions, especially about the woman behind the large counter. I keep telling him that she’s a nurse and it’s her job to keep track of the patient and help out the doctor if the doctor needs help. He’s quiet after I shush him a little. I glance over at Faith and she’s still looking at that stupid magazine. I take in a deep breath and hold it a little as the muscles in my shoulders and upper back tense up. It’s not that she’s flipping through a magazine, it’s that she’s been staring at this picture of a brunette woman with large breasts and a tiny waist who’s lying on the beach in a bikini. I know she loves only me but I still get jealous when she looks at other girls even if it is just their picture. I get jealous, so what? She does too. You remember the little incident at the New Year’s Party, right? Nobody is perfect, especially me. But I’m not going to say anything about it. If she wants to look she can look, it’s not like she’s going to leave me for a big-breasted bikini model.


“Ms. Faith Lehane.” The nurse calls out and we both stand up. I put Matthew down and hold onto his hand. He has this thing about hospitals like most everywhere else we go, he’s not afraid of them. Most little kids don’t really like the hospital because of all the strange people and weird sights and smells, but not him. When we came here for our first appointment he got into an argument with a janitor over which brand of cleaning solution is better. He said Pine-Sol, the janitor said Mr. Clean. So I have to keep a very close eye on him whenever we come here because I’m afraid he’s going to wonder into somebody’s room and disturb them or something. The last thing I want is an angry mother screaming at me because I couldn’t keep my boy under control. So the nurse leads us to room number 203 and as we enter she notices that we’re holding hands. She gives me, since Faith isn’t looking, snide look. Yeah, ‘cause she’s so much better then us just because she’s straight. Sometimes I really, really hate this town. The only republican county in all of California and we decide that this is the perfect place for us. Sometimes I wonder why we all don’t just move somewhere else.


So the nurse helps Faith into the chair, Matthew asking a million questions about why there are stirrups to put your legs. I just tell him it’s because the daughter might need to take a closer look at Mama and he looks over at Faith with a little bit of sympathy, I think. I can’t really tell because I’m not really paying attention. I’m too busy listening to the remark that this nurse is making to my fiancé. It makes my blood boil just a little bit. She’s asking Faith about the paternity of the baby, which is something we have no idea how to explain. So Faith simply says that it’s none of her business, which it isn’t. Then she gives Faith this ‘all knowing look’ and I can tell that my baby girl wants to hit this bitch just as badly as I do. But we remain calm because we’re not about to let some close-minded nurse get the best of us. After she helps Faith get comfortable in the chair she tells us the doctor will be in a couple of minutes and then leaves. And thank God she does because she was really starting to damper on this good mood I’m in.


“Good afternoon, Ms. Lehane, Ms. Summers.” He nods his head as he says his hellos and we say hi back. He also says high to Matthew but he’s being really quiet for some reason. We don’t say anything about the nurse to him even though we should. We like this doctor, we don’t want to ruin it. I don’t know if he accepts our lifestyle or not but he hasn’t said anything about it and he’s really friendly to us so we don’t want him to be rude to us. Even though the nurse was rude first. He puts her chart down on the counter and then puts on the latex gloves. Faith gets a little nervous and I gently rub the back of her hand with my thumb. “So, how are things coming along? Morning sickness gone away yet?” He smiles a little bit and Faith just rolls her eyes a little. She was so happy the morning she didn’t throw up.


“Yes, thank God. Things are going great. Boobs are starting to hurt a little more though.” Worst then before but she’s taking it in stride. He explains that it’s because she’s developing the colostrum and that there could be some discharge but that’s normal and we shouldn’t panic. She made a weird face and I can tell that she wanted to make a sarcastic remark but she kept quiet. What is it with these two and being unusually quiet today? Maybe Mercury is in retrograde or something, maybe there’s going to be another apocalypse and this is the first sign of it. I’m only joking, I don’t really thing that, but it is strange how quiet they’re being. Then he pulls out the tube of jelly and pulls over the ultrasound machine and she lifts up her shirt so that her stomach is completely exposed.


“Ok, this might be a little cold.” He says and then squeezes out a large amount of the jelly onto her belly. She squeaks, yes Faith squeaked, it was the cutest little sound ever. Anyway she squeaked and moved around a little bit and he smiled. He turned on the machine and put the little probey thing on Faith’s stomach and started to move it around. We both stared up at the screen and waited. She kept moving around a little bit because of the cold jelly but she calmed down after a couple of minutes. We could hear the sounds of the heartbeat before we saw the image. For some reason it was taking a little longer for the image to come up on the screen. “Aw, there it is.” We looked a little more closely and we could clearly see the head of the little baby, and then the arms and the torso and the stomach and legs. Oh my God, our little baby is a thumb sucker.


“Mommy, I wanna see too.” Matthew says and pulls on my pant leg. I bend down and pick him up and situate him on my hip so that we can both see the monitor. I look on and watch as the little baby moves around a little bit as the doctor gently presses down on Faith’s belly. I take her by the hand again and she kisses my knuckles again. The doctor starts talking but I’m not really paying attention, although I probably should. Hmm, maybe that would be a good idea. He is talking about my baby after all.


“The heart beat’s strong, everything looks perfect. Would you like to know the sex?” I look into Faith’s eyes and she smiles a little bit. Of course we want to know the sex of the little baby. That’s the main reason why we came here. The health is also high on the list but we really wanna know what we’re getting. Faith looks over at the doctor and nods her head yes. The way the baby is resting its legs you can’t really tell what it is. I will love the moment when I can stop referring to our baby as ‘it’, I hate doing that, it’s a little person not an object. He starts to gently press on her belly again to try and manipulate the baby to move. It takes a couple of minutes, the baby is already as stubborn as its mother and by mother I mean Faith, but it finally moves its legs around. The doctor has to get close up to the screen to tell but then he finally announces it. Which is good because I’m getting a little impatient. “She’s a healthy little girl.” I smile really wide. A girl, a little tiny girl that is going to be mercilessly spoiled and we are going to play dress up, I don’t care if she fights against it, she’s going to play dress up.


“See Mattie,” Faith says and points to the screen. “That’s your little sister.” I look over at him and he has a little bit of a frown on his face as he looks at the screen. She sees it too. “What’s the matter? Why you frownin like that?” Her tone is light which is good. He shifts around in my arms a little bit and he doesn’t look away from the screen as he continues to stare at the image of the little baby. Finally he looks away and looks over at Faith. His frown grows a little bit and he looks down at her belly.


“I wanted a little brother.” We all kind of laugh when he says that. Typical little boy. I guess Faith kind of got him liking the idea of a little brother that he’d be able to wrestle with and stuff like that. I told her she shouldn’t have made it sound so appealing, but whatever. He’ll just have to get used to the fact that she’s a girl because it’s not like we can change it now. “Why are you laughing? I really wanted a little brother.” He sighs heavily and starts to toy with the short hair on my arms. I hate it when he does that. “But I guess a sister is fine. Kyle just said that they’re pains in the butt.” I shake my head a little bit. Not only does Dawn fill his head with stuff that shouldn’t be there but now Kyle is too? But, then again, they are. Sisters are pains in the ass, I know from experience. You have no idea how annoying it was when Dawn would shadow me around like a little stalker.


“They can be, but only sometimes. I’m sure you two will have a lot of fun together,” I tell him and he sighs again. Good thing he has Tucker to wrestle and pal around with because I really don’t see Matthew joining any tea parties anytime soon. I really want Faith to be in one though, I think that would be so cute so watch. After watching the baby for a couple more minutes the doctor shuts off the machine and then hands Faith some paper towels to wipe off the jelly stuff. I know that as soon as she gets home she’s going to jump in the shower. I couldn’t stand that stuff either, she practically had to hold me down when I got it done. I only had one ultrasound just to make sure that everything was ok but unfortunately it was before the sex of the baby could be determined and like I said before we all thought that I was going to have a girl so we went ahead and bought all of this girly stuff. I feel bad for just throwing it all out because now we have to buy all new stuff. Anyway, we thank the doctor and then we leave.


And I was right, as soon as I get the door unlocked she makes a mad dash for the shower. I shake my head a little bit as I walk through the door. I drop the keys onto the little side table that we have next to the door and then I close and lock it. Matthew ran off as soon as he stepped into the house. I think he went to the backdoor to let Tucker inside, I’m not sure. I’m still in a little bit of a daze. A girl, a little girl. We’re having a little girl. I’d feel the same way if we were having a boy, so don’t get me wrong. But a girl. A little tiny baby doll that I can dress up, oh, the dresses and the skirts and the different hair styles. I just can’t wait. I never got to have my dress up time because Matthew is content with just blue jeans and a t-shirt, he could care less about his clothes. That’s either a little boy thing or he gets it from Faith, I’m not sure which, I think it might be a mixture of both.


So now it’s bedtime at the Summers-Lehane household. I can’t wait until it’s just the Lehane home, but I really do want to wait until we get married. Like I said maybe a two or three years after the baby is born...oh, she can be the little flower girl in a pretty white dress with little dress shoes and carry a little basket filled with rose petals. Her hair could be put back in pigtails with little white bows. Oh, just the thought is getting me all giddy. But we’ll just have to wait because she isn’t going to be two years old for a long time. I’ve already decided that Matthew is going to be the ring bearer. He’ll look so handsome in a little tux. He’ll be...give me a second I need to do the math...seven or eight depending on when we get married. All of the little girls are going to be all over him when he gets older, I already know that. He’s going to be the heartbreaker of the century. And if our little girl is anything like Faith then so will she. Those boys won’t even know what hit ‘em. Hmm, maybe that’s not such a good thing after all. I really hope she doesn’t inherit my knack for getting into relationships that are doomed from the beginning. I really hope my kids have better luck then that.


I hear Faith sigh and I turn around in my seat. I’m sitting at the vanity table and brushing my hair as I think about all of those things that you just read. She’s lying on her back in the middle of the bed and staring up at the ceiling. She has that ‘what the hell am I going to do?’ look on her face. My eyebrows crinkle a little bit. I wonder what she’s thinking about. I stop brushing my hair and set the brush down on the table and walk over to the bed. I crawl onto it and give Faith’s stomach a little kiss over her shirt and then lie down next to her. I kiss the little crinkle of skin that her scrunched eyebrows have made, ya know, that little spot right between her eyes? Anyway, I give that a little kiss and then rest my head on the pillow and look over at her. I start to gently rub her stomach without really being aware that I’m doing it. I’ve been doing that a lot lately, sometimes it drives her crazy.


“We’re having a girl.” She finally spoke, but unlike me she doesn’t sound too happy about it. Um, ok, this is new. She was thrilled about the idea of a girl. Or was she just pretending because she saw how excited I got? I hate it when she’s able to fool me like that. “How are we gonna protect her?” Ok, I’m confused. She’s not making any sense. But she looks like she’s in one of those moods where she’s just going to talk about what she’s thinking whether I’m listening or not. She does that sometimes, it’s weird, I’ll walk into the bedroom and she’ll be talking to herself...I think we’re both a little crazy. “We can slay all the vampires, kill all the demons, teach her not to talk to strangers and to do the right thing, but, one day she’s gonna get her heart broken by a guy...how are we supposed to protect her from that?” Ok, I get what she’s saying now. This is the kind of thing that I don’t like to think about because it’s depressing.


“We can’t protect her from something like that Faith. Everyone has to go through it. Even Matthew is going to get his heartbroken one day. I’m not too sure how boys deal with it, I’ll have to talk to Xander on that one, or maybe Kyle I don’t know. But with her, we’ll just help her deal.” She gives out this little ‘but how?’ and I barely hear it, but I do. I sigh heavily and I think about how I’m going to word this. I’m still not too sure but I can’t just leave her question unanswered. I have a small feeling that Faith didn’t get over her first big heartbreak in a healthy way because if she did then I don’t think she’d be feeling so...lost? I’m not sure. “We don’t let her withdraw, not completely. We’ll give her her space and let her wallow for a couple of days, but it’s important that she talks about it because if she holds all of it inside...” I can’t help but think about when I had to kill Angel. My first big heartbreak. If we have a third kid I’m going to carry it because a pregnant Faith is a depressing Faith. Ok, that’s a little mean to say, but it’s sort of true. Oh well. “It’ll take lots of time but she’ll get over it.” Ok, time to lighten the mood because this is getting too heavy. “All we have to do is make sure her first love isn’t a two hundred year old vampire who takes her virginity and then tries to kill all of her friends.” I laugh a little bit, but it’s forced and Faith tenses up a little. “What?”


“I’m gonna kill the boy that takes that from her.” I can’t help the little chill that crawls down my spine because I can tell that she’s serious. At least right now she’s serious. I doubt she will really kill the boy that is our daughter’s first. At least I don’t think she will. She wouldn’t, would she? We’ll just have to deal with that when it happens. I don’t even want to think about it now because I’ll just get freaked out. It’s going to happen, we can’t stop it. All we can hope for is that she’s safe about it and it’s with a boy that is respectable and will treat her right. I can’t help but smile a little bit, it’s time to really lighten the mood now because this is getting depressing.


“What if she waits until she’s married?” She looks over at me with this ‘don’t mess with me right now’ sort of look. I can’t help but smile. At least it isn’t as tense anymore. I get under the covers but Faith just lays there, staring up at the ceiling and she starts to rub her belly. I smile at the sight of it. Who ever would of thought of a pregnant Faith? I mean, back in high school I worried about her getting pregnant because she slept around, at least that’s what she made everyone believe. I’m not so sure if she did or not. But I still worried about her. And now look at her. She’s so beautiful and she’s come so far from where she used to be. I can’t help but feel proud of her. I can’t help it, I just do. “Have you thought of any names?” We haven’t talked about the name since that night in the bathroom. I love the name Addison Kristine but I don’t know if she feels the same. I mean, her mom wasn’t the nicest person and I get that Faith can’t help but love her, she’s her mom, ya know? But maybe the circumstances were supposed to be different. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to tell her about the dream and now that she knows the name she wants to change it? God, I’m paranoid, aren’t I? Was I always like this? Don’t answer that.


“Addison Kristine. I’m sorry if you had something else in mind but that’s her name. It wouldn’t feel right if we named her something else. I don’t know about her last name. I mean, you are her ‘father’, I guess, so do we name her Summers, or just keep it simple and make it Lehane? I mean, Mattie’s last name is Lehane, won’t things get kind of confusing and a little more complicated to explain if the last names are different?” I never actually thought about it until now. I just assumed the last name would be Lehane, but she’s right, I am the ‘father’ and traditionally the baby’s last name is the father’s. But then again this is in no way a traditional pregnancy. I look down at the ring on my finger and I smile a little. I put my hand over the one on her stomach and entwine our fingers.


“Well, I think it would be better if it were Lehane, I mean when we get married that’s going to be my last name to.” She looks over at me with some surprise. Did she think I was going to keep my last name? We’re getting married, I know this isn’t traditional but the bride usually takes the husbands last name, and Faith has already made it very clear that she’s going to be the groom. I think she just wants to see me in a white dress. I know that she’s going to wear a tux, I can’t wait. She’s going to look so dashing. “You didn’t think that I was going to?” She shakes her head no but she remains quiet. What is it with her and Matthew being so quiet today? Did they eat something that had gone bad or something? “Well I am. I want to be Mrs. Lehane. I might leave the last name, ya know, I could be known as Buffy Ann Summers-Lehane, just add a hyphen, but I want the Lehane to be there. I want the world to know that I married the woman I’m madly in love with.” She smiles and I lean over and give her a kiss. She gets up off of the bed and turns out the overhead light and then the lamp next to her side of the bed. She crawls under the covers and we cuddle as we fall asleep.


FPOV


Oh my God, you would not believe how good this feels. I really wish you were me right now so you’d be able to feel this. I mean, I never fuckin knew that a person could get so much pleasure from eating ice cream. Who knew, huh? I scoop out another spoonful and moan as I let it melt in my mouth. This is weird, I don’t even like strawberries, but lately all I want to eat is strawberry ice cream. This is just the latest phase I’ve been going through. In the beginning it was fried foods, all kinds, not just fried chicken like Buffy thinks. But I didn’t eat any of it because fried food is really bad in general but for a pregnant woman...I really didn’t want my baby to be born and then have to have open heart surgery to remove the large clog of fat in her heart. But that was just the beginning.


After the fried food phase I was hit with the huge craving for peaches. It was really weird, but I would eat like five peaches a day. It drove Buffy insane, mostly because I would just leave the pits on the coffee table and then go take a nap. Sleep was another thing, I never knew being pregnant could make you so tired. Anyway, after the peach fiasco was the watermelon stage, and then there was the fuji apple period, and lets not forget the...and I cringe...sliced tomatoes with salt. That one was horrible because I don’t like eating raw tomatoes by themselves but this kid is just really weird I guess. She must get that from Buffy. Anyway, after the tomatoes came the raw hotdogs dipped in mustard and now it’s strawberry ice cream, straight from the carton because I can and have eaten whole pints of this stuff in one sitting. Buffy doesn’t want me to do that, says it isn’t good for me or the baby but she never got really bad food cravings when she was pregnant.


I take another bite of the ice cream and swirl it around in my mouth. Is it possible for someone to get sexual pleasure just from eating? Because I think it’s happening to me. God, this is really good. Aw, the baby’s moving around again. She must like this too. There are only two times when she gets really active and one of them is when I’m around food or eating, well that’s two there but there’s another one. The other time she gets super active is after Buffy and I have sex. I think it’s really weird. I tried to hold out for a while, went an entire week and a half without sex because the thought of her being able to feel the pleasure, if that’s what was happening, really creeped me out. But I just get so worked up, and so does Buffy. We’re still as horny as teenagers and our libidos are showing no sign of slowing down, which is perfectly ok with me.


“Faith, I’m back!” Oh shit, Buffy’s home! I put the ice cream back in the freezer, spoon and all, and I run into the bedroom as silently as I can. I’m not moving as fast as I used to, but when you’re only two weeks away from your due date I guess that’s to be expected. That’s right kids, I’m going to be going through the joy of labor in a couple of weeks. Buffy had me watch some video on it just to remind me of what it’s going to be like. The video was basically just a home movie some husband shot and then sent in to the production company of his wife screaming for half an hour straight as she tries to push this kid out of her. This is after she had been in labor for fifteen hours, she didn’t get an epidural or anything and watching her go through that made me wanna just get a c-section. And what was this video called you might be asking: The Joy of Childbirth. Strangely I didn’t feel the joy. And besides, I already know what to expect, Buffy broke five bones in my left hand while she pushed our boy out of her, not only that but I felt what was happening to her, just a tiny fraction of it, but it still hurt like a motherfucker.


“There you are gorgeous. What are you doing inside on a day like this?” She’s standing in the doorway looking like a little minx. I know that look in her eyes...she wants me to go shopping with her. I already went shopping with her two weeks ago, and I really don’t wanna go again. She said we wouldn’t be out for very long, just one store, that we’d be in and out in no time. We went to seven different stores and spent over three hundred dollars on stuff for the baby. Addison is going to be spoiled, probably just as spoiled as Mattie was, still is as a matter of fact. So there’s no way I’m going shopping with her. She slowly walks towards the bed, putting an extra sway to her step. No, I can’t let my hormones get the better of me, I won’t let that happen, not again. Last time she did this she got me all worked up and she kept teasin, ya know, she’d rub soft little circles around my entrance but she wouldn’t just go inside. Not until I promised her that I would go to the ptm that Friday. And of course I did, I was way too turned on for her to just walk away. Damn pregnancy hormones. “I was thinking...since we have this whole big house to ourselves...” Mattie’s at Dawn’s house, on a little play date with Kyle’s niece. “That maybe...we could go out to the kitchen...” She gets this devilish grin on her face. She crawls up the bed and kneels by me on her knees and she starts to unbutton her shirt. “And I can have you for lunch.” Nope, she’s not going to manipulate me. I won’t let her. Oh God, she’s wearing the pink lacy underwear...I love it when she wears the pink lacy underwear.


“Well...” She leans down and starts to nibble on my earlobe. She holds it between her teeth and gently pulls on it and then teases the bottom of it with the tip of her tongue. What was I going to say? I can’t think...somethin about not doin something...or was it...Oh God she’s licking my neck. She kisses me and I deepen it. I swirl my tongue around hers and then she pulls back. What the fuck? Is she teasing again? No, she looks a little mad, so she isn’t teasing. Wait...why does she look mad? I didn’t do anything, I was just sitting here, I only said one word. What the fuck did I do to piss her off?


“How much ice cream did you have?” Oh, right...I forgot about that. Lets see, how much ice cream did I have while she was gone. Hmm, she was gone for one hour and fifteen minutes, I was watching the clock, and there was the strawberry Ben and Jerry’s, and then there was the Haagan-Dazs, and then the Crystal. Wow, I guess that is a lot, three containers in one hour and I was working on the fourth when she walked in. Maybe I do need to stop eating it for a while. But she doesn’t understand how badly I need it. The cravings are just too much to take. But I have to answer her sooner or later, and the longer I wait the angrier she gets.


“Just the strawberry.” She looks at me with this ‘and how many strawberries?’ We stocked the freezer yesterday with strawberry ice cream, we bought fifteen containers...there’s only six left. “Not a lot.” That doesn’t seem to be the answer she wants either. Why does she do this? She gets me all worked up and then she starts the interrogation. Does she not know how hot she is when she’s pissed? I mean, back in Sunnydale I used to like to be the one in charge, but Buffy’s really hot when she gets commanding. You have no idea what nasty things used to run through my mind when we were teens and sitting in the library and coming up with a plan to kill the next group of demons and she would take control and start giving orders...I think one time I actually fell over in my chair because I was leaning back in it with my feet up on the table and I got so lost in this one fantasy that I’m not gonna tell you about but it involved some ice cubes, handcuffs and a bear skin rug, anyway, I got so lost in this fantasy that I stopped paying attention to what was happening and I fell over backwards. Luckily only Red was in the room or else my image would have been ruined for life.


“Look, B.” She takes in a deep breath and sits down and folds her arms across her chest. She looks pretty pissed off and right now I just want her to throw me down and have her way with me. “You know the cravings are really bad. You don’t really get it because you didn’t get this bad with Mattie, but they’re really bad. It’s worst then when I quit smoking.” You have no idea how much I want a fucking cigarette. Every single day I have these cravings to just light one up but I can’t. I’m not sure if I’m going to start smoking again after she’s born, I’ll think about it when we get there. “I’ll try to eat less but I’m telling you those cravings are wicked strong.” She finally gives up the mad act and lays down on the bed. I lay down next to her and she looks over at me.


“They must be bad if you say they’re worst then the cigarette cravings. You almost cried every day because you couldn’t have any.” Shut up, I was emotional. “And now that you quit I don’t want you to start again.” Ok, I said that her being commanding was sexy, but I meant in a more ‘shut up and bend over’ type of way. I sigh heavily and look over at her. I hate that I can’t roll over onto my side. I can’t wait for the day until I can finally lay on my stomach. I hate lying on my back unless I have to. “I mean, you don’t wanna get lung cancer and leave me a widow to raise our children, do you?” Oh God, not with that again. She brings the kid, well it is kids now because of little Addison, every time she tries to convince me to stop smoking.


“Buffy, I’ve survived some of the worst beatings I’ll ever get.” I’m talking about the ones from her, not from my mom. “I woke up from a coma I wasn’t supposed to wake up from.” A flash of guilt crosses her face but then it goes away. “I survived an L.A. prison and the battle against the ultimate evil. We’re the Chosen Two, we’ve been through more then anyone else will ever go through. I don’t think something like smoking is gonna-” I stop talking when I feel something warm and wet come out of me. I look down at there’s liquid all over the bed and me. What the fuck? This is a brand new skirt and now it’s completely ruined, yes Buffy convinced me to start wearing skirts until the baby is born that way it won’t be so messy when...Oh my God my water just broke! But why? I’m not due for another two weeks? Is there something wrong? Oh God, pain, pain, pain, pain. I think I’m having a...what the fuck are they called? A contraction? Yeah, I think I’m having one of those. “Oh FUCK!” I scream and grab onto my stomach. I close my eyes and breathe really hard. Make it stop, make it stop! Just breathe...inhale...exhale...inhale...exhale. This isn’t working! Ok, it’s going away...thank God. I open my eyes and Buffy is on the phone, what the fuck is she doing?


“Yeah Dawn, I know it’s gross, but will you just keep Matthew for a while longer? Well I don’t know, it’s not like she’s taking a timed test, this isn’t something that can be predicted. I know what Cordelia said, but it isn’t like she saw the whole thing, just some of the end result. Ok, thank you. I’ll call you when we get her in a room. I don’t know, I’ll think about it. I love you too, bye.” Then she hangs up the phone and runs over to the closet. She pulls out another one of those evil skirts. There’s no way in hell I’m changing into that. Nope. Well, I guess she has other ideas because without even askin my permission she lifts me up off of the bed and takes off both my skirt and underwear and then slips me into this light blue one. Oh well. Hey, this makes my legs look killer, maybe I should start wearing more skir-OH FUCK!


“Oh my God! Holy shit! Buffy make it stop!” she holds onto my hand and I squeeze as hard as I can. God this hurts so bad and it’s just one of those bastard contractions. I don’t even want to imagine what the actual delivery is going to be like. I close my eyes again and every color on the face of this earth passes through my mind, and then everything goes black as the pain peaks. Ok, it’s starting to go down again. Oh, thank God. Ok, I need to get to the hospital and then I need to get an epidural. That’s what I’m gonna do. “Hospital, we need to get to the hospital.” Like she doesn’t know. She’s already picking me up off of the bed. She sets me down on the couch and then starts running around the house like a chicken with its head cut off. She’s grabbing her purse, and then she runs back into the bedroom because she forgot the suitcase that we packed last week for when I go into labor. Man, I’d really wish she’d hurry up. Ok, now that she has all of the shit gathered up she’s...running outside to the car. Oh well, I’m not having a contraction at the moment so I don’t see the problem with me walking. I stand up and start for the door. I get halfway there when I realize the reason why women in labor always get put in wheelchairs when they arrive at the hospital.


“Motherfucker!” I scream out as my knees buckle and I fall to the floor. I try to brace myself but the pain is just so blinding that I can’t really focus on that. Luckily I land on my ass. I lay down on my back and continue to scream as I try to ride out this contraction. Why are they so close together? And these have got to be a record or something. There is no woman on this earth who has been in this much pain before. No fucking way, I now hold the God damn title for that. Buffy rushes into the room and instantly falls to my side. I can feel her touchin me, trying to make sure I’m ok. Ok? Do I look like I’m fucking ok to you? This is worst then anything I’ve ever felt before. I’d rather have Buffy run another fucking knife through my belly then be doing this right now. And I’m sweating. Just great, I’m going to show up at that hospital and smell so fucking bad. “Buffy, please, make it stop.” I can’t help but cry, and I feel stupid for doing it. Women have been doing this since the dawn of time. I’m a fucking slayer, and a badass one at that, I should at least be able to get through this.


“Shh, baby, everything’s gonna be alright. I promise. Just hold my hand.” I grab onto her hand and hold it tightly. If I’m not careful I might break a couple of bones. But, weirdly, that doesn’t really seem like a high priority right now. We are going to a hospital after all, and a couple broken hand bones will only take like a day or two to heal because of her slayer healing. Finally, the pain goes away. She picks me up off of the ground and carries me out to the car. She gently sets me down in the backseat, why I don’t know, and then she jumps in the driver’s seat and takes off. I’m breathing harder now and the car isn’t moving anymore. Why isn’t the car moving? What is she doing?


“Buffy, go faster, what the fuck are you doing?” I don’t mean to be a bitch but you’d probably be pissed off to if you were in this much pain and the person who is supposed to be taking you to the epidural is just sitting there. She says something about heavy traffic or something like that but I can’t really concentrate because I’m hit with another contraction. This one isn’t as bad as the others. I just cry out, I don’t say anything. My breathing is still really hard and I’m starting to feel a little lightheaded, and I’m thinking that maybe it’s a bad thing. “Please, please just get me there.” I can’t stand being like this. I hate begging, but if it’ll get me to the hospital and the epidural then I’ll beg to whoever I have to. The car starts to move but she isn’t going very fast. I open my eyes and see that she’s maneuvering through all of the traffic, why did I have to go into labor on a Friday during rush hour traffic? And she parks the car next to the sidewalk and turns it off. “What are you doing?” She doesn’t answer me as she pulls the keys out of the ignition and puts them in her purse. Then she grabs her purse and gets out of the car. She better not be doing what I think she’s doing. Then she opens up my door and unbuckles my seat belt and picks me up. Ok, so she isn’t just leaving me, but what is she doing?


“The hospital isn’t far from here. Try not to move around too much and I can carry you there.” Good plan, that’s a really good plan and no I’m not being sarcastic. This traffic isn’t going to be moving anytime soon and if I don’t get any type of numbness and quickly things could get deadly. She starts to jog towards the hospital, jogging, yeah right like I’m going to let her do that. I start yelling at her to go faster but she doesn’t. Then I’m hit with a contraction and I think I just went blind the pain is so bad. I bite down on her shoulder because there’s nothing else I can do. I think that motivates her a little because she’s running a lot faster now. It only takes her a couple minutes to reach the hospital and she runs into the large sliding doors. “I need help over here, she’s in labor!” Yeah, yell right in my fucking ear that’s really what I need right now. A nurse runs up to us with a wheelchair and Buffy puts me down. I don’t want her to do that, I don’t feel so safe anymore.


“No, no. Pick me up again, please.” I know I sound like a little kid but I don’t fucking care. I’m in pain, I’m sweating worst then the time I had food poisoning, and I just want her to hold me. But she doesn’t. She convinces me to stay in the chair and she wheels me over to the elevators. The nurse starts asking her a bunch of questions but I don’t listen. I just want it to stop. But as much as I hate this pain, as much as I’d rather just be lying in my own bed or eating the rest of the strawberry ice cream, I’m a little excited, I can’t help but feel that way because I’m having my baby! Not right this second, but you know what I mean. But like I said the excitement and happiness is extremely small because I think I’m gonna die. Buffy fills out some papers and gets me checked in, and then I’m wheeled into a room and changed into one of those stupid hospital gowns. Then they hook me up to a couple of machines, some of them are to make sure I’m ok, the others are for the baby. “Epidural now. Someone get me a fucking epidural!” Buffy walks over to my bedside and starts to stroke my sweaty hair.


“Faith, we talked about this last night, we agreed that you wouldn’t get one because they prolong the labor.” I want to laugh, I want to cry, I want to kill something, I just want a fucking epidural. I just want to make this horrible pain stop. I’m about to say something but then another contraction hits. I throw my head back and start to scream. Buffy holds onto my hand and I squeeze really hard. “Faith, baby, you’re doing so good. Come on, just a couple more seconds. You’re doing great.” I can hear her through the pain but it doesn’t really mean anything. I just have to sit here and take this, I hate it more then you’ll ever know. “There, it’s all over. Just try and relax.” Relax? Ha, she should do stand up comedy because that’s a fucking funny joke. A nurse comes into the room holding a cup. She hands it to me and I look down at it. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a cup of ice chips?


“I don’t want ice, get me a fucking epidural!” I scream and throw the cup at her. She doesn’t look too happy about that but I don’t fucking care. “It’s too much, I didn’t think it’d be this fucking bad. I need it Buffy, please, just make it go away.” Then another nurse comes into the room and you wanna know what she does? Well she says something about checking on something, but I’m not really paying attention to it. Then she goes down to the foot of my bed and lifts up the blankets. Now she’s touching my vagina like I gave her permission or some shit like that. I start moving around and kicking my feet a little. “What the fuck are you doing? Get your fucking hands off me!” She looks up at me like she’s all offended or something, but what-the-fuck-ever, I don’t care, she’s not the one in pain right now.


“I told you, I need to see how dilated you are. Now please just hold still, this will only take a minute.” So I lay still but only because I don’t have the energy to fight her anymore. “Ok, you’re five centimeters dilated, that’s good. Now, do you really want an epidural?” I nod my head yes without anymore thought. She nods her head a little bit and then writes some stuff down on my chart. “Ok, I’ll send in the anesthesiologist. And you’re doctor will be in shortly.” Like I care, just get me an epidural! She leave the room and that leaves me and Buffy alone. I don’t’ know if she’s pissed at me because I’m getting an epidural or not but I don’t really care at the moment. She doesn’t say anything to me though as she gets up and walks over to the wall. Apparently the room has a phone and she’s using it to call somebody, probably Dawn or Willow, possibly Xander. I lay back and close my eyes. I didn’t even get to finish that pint of strawberry ice cream. And Buffy was teasing and I didn’t get any head. God this sucks.


“Ow! Mother fucking son of a bitch!” This one is worst then the rest. Buffy drops the phone and is at my side in an instant. A nurse comes into the room as well but I don’t pay attention. I just close my eyes and wait for it to go away. I hear the nurse say something about not pushing but I don’t pay attention, I just want this over with. I hear Buffy couching me on and the nurse as well, but I’m not paying attention to it. Then finally the pain starts to go away and I collapse onto the bed. When did I sit up? Oh well, don’t want to think about that now, just want my drugs. When is that guy going to get here? Then the doctor walks in, with a smile on his face. What the fuck is he so happy about? I wish I had that cup of ice chips, I’d throw it at him.


“Well, nice to see you Faith, although it is a little soon.” I go to speak but Buffy gently squeezes my hand and I remain silent. “Let’s take a look see.” And just like the nurse he pulls up the blankets to get his eye full. I just look up at the ceiling and I ignore what he’s doing. “Five and a half centimeters, that’s good. Now, the baby is two weeks early but there shouldn’t be anything to worry about. This is your first pregnancy so premature labor isn’t uncommon. We will be monitoring her a little more closely just to be sure, but like I said everything should be fine.” I don’t like the way he’s wording this. So there could be something wrong with my baby? Is that what he’s trying to say? A smaller contraction hits and I grab onto Buffy’s hand. This one only lasts a couple of seconds and my breathing slows down a little quicker. “I know you wanted an epidural.” I do not like where this is going. “But unfortunately our only anesthesiologist is out sick. I called the one over at Redding Medical but he’s in a surgery right now and can’t leave. So unfortunately you’ll just have to deal without one.” What the fuck did he just tell me? Unfortunately for him another contraction just hit.


“Oh my God! Get me a fucking epidural you son of bitch! I’ll fucking kill you if you don’t! Someone get me a fucking epidural!” I continue to scream and yell as I ride out the contraction. So much pain, so blinding. I just wanna die. You have no idea how bad this hurts. But then it goes away and I lay back on my bed. Please, someone kill me, please, please, please. He goes back under my blankets and checks me again. This is getting really old really fast. He says something about being six centimeters and if I keep going at this rate then I should be ready to deliver the baby in a couple of hours. He signs something on the paper and then leave the room. I feel Buffy start to stroke my hair and I look over at her. She smiles a little bit, she better not be enjoying this. “What are you smiling at?” Like I said before, it’s really hard to be nice when you’re in so much pain. But she doesn’t look upset by it at all. Which is good because the last thing I want to do is fight with her while I’m in labor.


“Faith, you’re going to give birth to our baby. I know it hurts worst then anything you’ve ever experienced, but you’ve got to be a little excited. She’s coming out today. Our little baby is going to join the world.” I smile a little, just one corner of my mouth kind of curves up a little. That is a happy thing but again, happiness hard to accomplish when this much pain is being had. “You’re so beautiful, I love you so much.” She leans over and kisses me on the lips. I kiss her back a little because all I really wanna do is go to sleep. Now that the contractions are over I’m really tired and sleep seems like the best thing to do. But I know I can’t. I hate hospitals, the last thing I’m going to do in one is sleep. I might not wake up again. So I just close my eyes and hold onto Buffy’s hand and gently rub my thumb over the back of hers. I don’t know how much time passes, but there’s a knock on the door and then it opens.


“I hope you feel like visitors.” I open my eyes and give Red this nasty death glare. But she ignores it, I guess she’s expecting me to be the world’s biggest bitch. And I know she’s just enjoying this to her little heart’s content. Kennedy walks into the room and I’m expecting to get some lip from her. She better be careful because I’m in the killing type of mood. “So Faith, how are you feeling?” There’s just a little bit of laughter in her voice and when I look over at her she’s trying not to smile. Yep, it’s official, Willow only exists to annoy the hell out of me.


“Fuck you Red.” I saw and then close my eyes again. I feel Buffy start to stroke my arm and she apologizes to Willow about my behavior. I hear Kennedy laugh a little bit and without even opening my eyes I tell her, “And if you say one God damn word about this I swear to every fucking god and goddess out there that I’ll rip your fucking spine out with my bare hands.” That stops the laughter right away. A little while later a nurse comes in to check on the stupid thing in me that’s dilating or whatever. She says that I’m seven centimeters so they’re going to be watching me a little more closely. And get this, she actually says I’m lucky because things are moving along so fast. It must be a slayer thing because they said the same thing about Buffy. So hopefully I’ll give birth by nightfall that way I can get a good night’s sleep. I hate the sun shining through the curtains when I’m trying to sleep, this way I won’t have to deal with that. I hear Kennedy start to talk and I cut her off. “One fucking word and I swear I’ll fucking kill you where you stand.” She stops talking which is good for her because I meant what I said.