White Knight's War

The White Knight’s War

Author :~ pixel
Rated: R mostly, but maybe some NC-17 later ~ depends how it goes
Ship: xander/graham/oc
Disclaimer: I own nothing, claim nothing, they all still belong to Joss et al and I’m just borrowing for a while.
Authors Notes 1: Ok this is probably going to have slash, bad language, character death and buffy bashing ~ so if you don’t like ~ don’t read. I don’t have a beta so all mistakes are mine ~ if you point them out I’ll try to fix them. There’s an explanation etc in prologue.
Authors Notes 2: Concrit and reviews always welcomed and appreciated, helps me know i'm not talking to myself here.

Strength Of Heart


Xander headed for the stairs, not sure who he should talk to first, Graham or Dawn. He was surprised when Spike joined him but readily accepted the vampire’s offer to talk to Dawn. Seeing the older man tentatively approach Dawn’s room and slip inside, Xander wandered if Spike had any idea what he was letting himself in for. Despite their best efforts, Dawn had indeed grown up and, unlike her childhood crush on Xander, her feelings for the vampire had only intensified with time. Approaching his own room, he tried to figure out a way to convince Graham that he was wrong. They’d fought about it so many times, and his lover was adamant that he was right about Xander’s feelings changing. No matter how often Xander told the other man, that he loved him and would’ve stayed anyway; Graham refused to be convinced. When Xander opened the door, Graham was sitting on the bed holding his head in his hands.


“Gray?”


On hearing his lover’s voice, Graham pushed up, off the bed and began pacing the room. His whole body screamed, ‘don’t touch me,’ and his eyes were full of pain. Xander had about run out of ideas and just stood there, hoping Graham would tell him why he was so insecure about their relationship. Stopping at the far side of the room, Graham leaned against the wall and finally looked at Xander. “I didn’t mean to do that in front of them. Shouldn’t have embarrassed you like that.”


“I don’t give a damn about that Gray. Trust me, they’ve almost all seen me in way more embarrassing situations than that. What I want to know is why? I love you Gray. I wanted you, needed you and loved you for a long time before we set foot in that damn cave. Why don’t you trust me any more? I’ve never done anything to make you think I don’t want you.”


“You don’t let go.” Graham’s voice was barely audible and his eyes were bright with unshed tears.


“Huh?”


“When we make love…..you used to give it everything. I loved to watch you, your eyes would glaze over and you wouldn’t be able to talk. You were completely lost in us, in me. I knew that just touching you could drive you completely mindless; when we were together, nothing else mattered, world war three could’ve broken out right beside us and we’d never have noticed. You aren’t like that anymore, I don’t do that for you anymore.”


Xander’s voice shook as he replied, “There’s something wrong with our sex life? Hell Gray, if I’m not doing something, you should have told me. I thought we were happy, that we were good together.” He knew how desperate he sounded, bit he’d never imagined his lover wasn’t satisfied.


“We are,” Graham crossed the room, reached up and laid his palm against Xander’s cheek. “Never think I don’t love what we do. But I was starting to think that you don’t. Since the cave……..you’ve always kept something back; it’s like you’re always thinking, holding on to something. I’m always the one on top; you haven’t taken me once since that night. I guess I just don’t make you mindless anymore. I know you say you don’t resent me for getting us stuck together; but maybe, subconsciously at least, you do. That’s why you’re behaving so differently.”


“Oh shit!” This time it was Xander who sank to the bed and lowered his head. “Do you know what I did before I came up here to talk to you? Angel tried to stop me coming up here, so I punched him.”


“I thought you promised Faith you weren’t going to do that.”


“Yeah well, me and my temper. Anyway Dawn did a hell of a lot more damage then I did.”


“What!”


“Long story, tell you later. Gray, I hit Angel and he flew clear across the room and cracked the wall when he landed.” Seeing, from the questioning expression on his face, that Graham wasn’t understanding the relevance of this story. “We both changed in that cave Gray. My new abilities mean I’m stronger.”


“I know that.” Irritation was beginning to replace the desperate sadness in Graham’s voice.


“Gray…..if I let go, if I let myself lose control, I could hurt you.”


“You’d never do that.”


“Not deliberately, but if I let myself go, if I don’t hold back a part of myself, I could hurt you badly; without ever meaning to. I’m still getting used to what I can do now, if I’d hit a human as hard as I hit Angel they’d either be dead or eating hospital food for the foreseeable future. I didn’t stop to think, I just reacted, I can’t afford to keep doing that, especially around you.”


“That’s why?”


“Yes, I love you Gray, that’s never gonna change; which is why I’m not gonna risk you being hurt. I have to be careful with you, I won’t be responsible for you winding up getting hurt, just because I can’t keep a lid on my emotions.”


“Isn’t that my choice?”


No. Not this time, you’re human Gray. That means breakable, I’m not putting you in danger that way.”


“So you’d rather hold back. That isn’t you, you’re one of the most passionate men I’ve ever met. Maybe you’d be better off with someone who isn’t human, isn’t breakable. That way you wouldn’t have to keep denying yourself.” This time Graham’s voice was laced with bitterness.


“Listen to me you stubborn son of a bitch. I’m not denying myself anything. I’m looking out for the man I love. That’d be you, in case you’ve forgotten. I don’t want anyone else. I’d rather sleep alone then lose you. Maybe, in time, things will settle down. I’m still figuring my strengths out, after awhile it should become instinct; I’ll be able to judge what I’m doing better. Please Gray, is it really so bad? Can’t you give me some time?”


“I need to know I have all of you. That you’re not settling or staying out of obligation.”


“You do and I’m not. I promise.”


It was going to take a lot of reassurance and love; but as Graham’s eyes softened and his body began to lose its rigid tension, Xander began to hope that maybe things between them would be ok after all. At least Graham had finally told him what was wrong, now he just had to figure out how to fix it. Starting with a kiss. They melted into each other, lips and teeth softly nibbling and biting, tongues moving in lazy exploration. It wasn’t a passionate kiss; rather it was a gentle re-affirming of their love.


“Much as I’d like to drag you to bed right now, I suppose we’d better get back downstairs and finish up the explanations.”


“Can’t I just stay up here?”


“Not a chance in hell. If I have to go back, so do you.”


“Did you really hit Angel?”


“Yep, fucking idiot wanted to run off and rescue Buffy.”


“What?”


“Yeah, seems he didn’t actually bother to listen beyond the whole ‘Buffy in trouble’ thing. Our little Dawnie sorted him though.”


“You really ought to stop encouraging her, she’s becoming a holy terror. Half our people won’t go anywhere near her anymore.”


“Oh come on it was fun. She ripped him into little itty-bitty pieces. As for the others, well I’d rather have a live short tempered Dawn, then have to ID another body ‘cos she got worried about using her powers.”


“Is she ok?”


“Yeah I think so. She’s holed up in her room.”


“You want to go check on her before we go down?”


“You just want to put it off. Besides there’s no need, Spike’s already on it.”


“Spike? You did warn him about her, right?”


“No. Spike’s a big bad vampire, he should be able to handle one young woman.”


“You’re evil.”


“Not yet, but I’m working on it.”


Pulling Graham into a quick hard kiss, he whispered in his ear, “Stop worrying about everyone else’s love life. The sooner we get done with this, the sooner we can get back to what we were starting in the bedroom.” Leading his lover by the hand, Xander headed for the lobby. As they passed Dawn’s room, they could hear raised voices; that were abruptly cut off when Dawn stormed out of the room. She stomped back downstairs, muttering all the way about ‘pigheaded stubborn idiots who didn’t know a good thing when it was offered.’ A few seconds later, Spike appeared in the doorway; the look on his face, something between shell-shock and sheer panic.


Xander smirked at him and asked, “Have fun catching up?”


Spike’s eyes were wild and his reply was less than coherent, “She……crazy……don’t believe….what happened…….Oh bugger!”


“Babble nearly worthy of me Spike, but we better get back downstairs before your sire loses it and starts planning something stupid again.”


“Right, fine, just keep the bit away from me. She’s gone fucking crazy, must be something to do with Red and the mojo. She only reckons she’s in love with me, had to practically fight her off. She’s not behaving like my Dawn.”


“She’s loved you for a long time Spike.”


“She’s a kid, it was just a crush, not real. She’s my niblet for fucks sake.”


“We might not like it, but as she said before, she’s all grown up. She knows what she wants Spike, and this isn’t just a crush, not for her.”


“What’s up with you? You’re beginning to sound like you’re encouraging the bloody idea. You were as pissed as I was when she talked about that wanker she shagged in Rome.”


“Some stranger, who doesn’t really know her, with his hands all over my Dawnie. Damn right I was mad.”


“And I’m a better choice? Seems I remember you didn’t think that when I was with Buffy back in the Dale. You hated it. You hate me, you never, ever trusted me.”


“Yeah, and the you and Buffy thing worked out so well for everyone involved. I treated you like crap, and you were a total bastard. Don’t know about you, but I’m not the same man I was then. Had to grow up some the last couple of years. It was always black and white for me back then, took me some time away to finally get that in the real world you got to deal in shades of grey.”


“What, so we going to be best pals now?”


“Probably not, seeing as we can still annoy the hell out of each other in about thirty seconds flat. Thing is; whatever else was going on back then, no matter how crappy we all treated you, or what schemes you were plotting; you always looked after Dawn. I know that you’d never do anything to deliberately hurt her. She’s always going to be a target because of her powers, and she needs to be with someone who can help her protect herself. Someone who won’t get freaked out because she’s different or wind up feeling resentful because they’ll never be as powerful as she is. There aren’t many people around who qualify, fewer still that I’d trust with her heart.”


“You’d trust me with her?”


“Yes, ‘cos you know that if you ever did hurt her; the things I’d put you through, would make what Glory and the First did to you look like a walk in the park.”


“Threats sound more like the Xander Harris I remember.”


“You don’t know me anymore Spike. She needs you, needs to be loved. What happened in Rome almost broke her. I’ve seen you in love, with and without the soul. If I thought for one second I’d have to make good on those threats, you’d never get within a mile of Dawn.”


“I can’t do this. I’ll screw it up, I always screw it up.”


“So don’t. Dawn isn’t Dru or Buffy; she doesn’t need you to be her keeper and you’re not some sort of consolation prize. She has no illusions about you; what you are, the things you’ve done, what you’re capable of. She loves you anyway and that isn’t going to change. Trust me, I spent enough time trying to talk her out of it. Are you really willing to let this chance get away? Let her get away? If you don’t want her, sooner or later she’ll wind up settling for someone who does. Could you really sit back and watch her with another man? Knowing that if you weren’t so afraid, she could have been yours. Do you really want her to have to settle for that? To sit back and watch whilst she gives up on her love, her dreams? Now that doesn’t sound like the Spike I remember.”


Spike was left looking slightly stunned by Xander’s words but, as he followed the lovers back to the lobby, his expression turned thoughtful. When they reached the others, instead of taking his previous place, next to Angel, Spike squeezed onto the couch beside Dawn. Ignoring her angry glare, he slipped an arm around her waist, and when her face softened, and she rested her head on his shoulder, a small smile appeared on Spike’s lips.




tbc………….