Irony

*


I made sure Spike's head was tilted toward the rear view mirror before I brought my injured arm up to my mouth and slowly licked the small drop of blood that had formed. Okay, “formed” might be the wrong verb since I had actually been pinching the arm to keep it bleeding as I sat in the back of Angel's convertible. From the way the mirror reflected the empty passenger side seat where Spike was sitting, I knew he could see me as I closed my lips over the wound and sucked. Spike softly growled before Angel's hand snapped up and readjusted the mirror so that he could actually use it as a rear view mirror. Even with the wind rushing by, I could catch wisps of lust coming from the front.

I smiled sweetly from my place in the middle of the back seat as if I had no reason to feel bad about anything. I briefly wondered if my innocent look looked as un-innocent as Spike’s. Angel’s deep sigh certainly suggested that he wasn’t buying the act.

I sat back pinching my arm to bring more blood to the surface as Spike grabbed the cigarettes he’d gotten off some guy in the bar. He fumbled with them and then shoved them back in his pocket. He worried at the quickly fraying edge of a cuff on that army-issued shirt that just looked so damn wrong on him. And Bingo! Spike’s hand went up the mirror readjusting it, and I brought my arm up to my mouth, this time slowly licking the length of the wound. Oh hell, I hadn’t had this much fun since… okay, I hadn’t had this much fun since I still believed in the whole Santa Clause fraud. Spike choked back a soft moan, and Angel’s hand nearly broke the mirror snapping it back into its original position.

I indulged myself by sticking out my tongue when Angel’s head was bent toward the mirror, and I could hear the mightily put-upon sigh even over the sound of the air rushing by, which was really quite loud what with the windows all rolled down, and melodramatic much there, Deadboy? Of course I didn’t actually say that out loud, since I really didn’t want to walk home, and now that we were driving past the Sunnydale sign, getting kicked out of the car was an actual possibility. Spike glanced at the sign as we went by it, and damned if he didn’t look a little wistful, and what was all that about?

“You two need to dial it back before we get to Buffy’s. Xander, she will not take your new attitude well if you can’t tone down the primal instincts.” Angel sounded gruff. I gave him my best innocent look, just to piss him off, which was always fun especially since I had sort of promised not to torture him about his whole soul-having broodiness, and I wasn't willing to take on Cordy even with a primal spirit.

“What are you talking about?” I asked as I casually licked my arm. That’s when it suddenly occurred to me that as of two days ago I wouldn’t have taken an attack as foreplay, and I wouldn’t have taken a punch at Riley, and I really wouldn’t have growled at Cordy. Lusting after Spike? Okay, that I would have done, but I’d have been a lot more private about it. And yeah, the licking my own blood… maybe Angel had a point.

I stopped and put my arm in my lap. “Oh.” I amended my answer, “yeah, I can do that.” Spike snorted.

“Don’t start anything,” Angel said through clenched teeth, and for a moment I thought he was still talking to me, but nope. That one was for the bleached wonder who promptly flipped Angel a two-fingered salute, and why do the English use two fingers? Isn’t the one good enough for them? I counted up English weirdness based on the few English people I knew until Angel pulled up in front of Giles’ apartment.

That’s the point at which I knew Angel didn’t have to worry about me because just being back here made me feel like the Zeppo again. How many times did I have to deal with these inadequacy issues before I started feeling like… okay, I’d settle for not feeling like the muck on the bottom of Cordelia’s shoe. Although really in all fairness it should be Anya stepping on me at this point, so I don’t know why Cordy’s little jabs always had a way of slipping past my defenses.

“Pet?” a concerned voice called, and I looked up to discover the two vampires were halfway to the door and looking back at me. Oh, great. Way to hide the insecurities there, Harris, the soldier thoughts kinda sneered out at me. Great, I’m even insecure around myself. Or parts of myself. Ya know, there could be a real growth industry in demon psychiatry on the Hellmouth.

“I am not going to growl, I am not going to growl, I am not going to growl,” I sort of chanted as I got out of the car, fighting down a need to growl at a pack that hadn’t even noticed me gone.

“Xander?” this time the concern came from Angel, which was definitely freakier than the concern from Spike. Spike had hated the old me in a ‘wish I could eat you’ kind of way, but Angel had always hated me for being me. Concern from him was just… wrongness in all kinds of ways.

“God, I’m fine already,” I snapped as I stalked past them and rang the doorbell. Giles opened the door. Same old Giles with that same old constipated expression and the same old glasses coming off his nose just to polish them despite the fact they were clean so why did I suddenly feel this creepy crawling feeling looking at him? Oh yeah, the hyena instincts were going to be hard to get used to, but I did my best to be good old Xander.

“Hey G-man. What’s the word?” I asked with a big goofy Xander-grin as Giles stepped aside. I took that as an invitation, walking in to see Willow and Tara sort of hovering over each other on the couch, and I was never so happy to see anyone in all my life. They were safe. The Initiative didn’t get my girls. Of course, the Initiative must have freaked them out because Willow had the wide-eyed near panic expression and Tara's eyes kept darting around the room nervously. Yep, serious upset vibes here.

“Wil….” I would have said more but a small, solid weight hit me from the side, and talking suddenly dropped on my priority list. I heard myself growl even as I twisted around to return the attack. They weren’t going to take my Willow without a fight any more than they took my Spike without a fight, and no I was not going to think about just how badly that had gone.

I had no more than twisted in my adversary’s grip and reached around to grab and rip at the vulnerable throat when I let myself freeze for that vital second as I spotted my attacker. Unfortunately, Buffy didn’t freeze, and I found myself stomach down with her straddling my waist like I was her pony. Okay, I’ll admit that there was a day when getting squeezed by Buffy thighs was a fantasy, but one-demon man here. And in my fantasy, my face wasn’t pushed into scratchy apartment carpeting that smelled like demon goo. Before the hyena, I might not have noticed that, but now I couldn’t escape it, and ew.

“Buffy, what the hell are you doing?” I demanded as I tried to push up to a hands and knees position. She grabbed my hair and yanked it back with what must have been slayer strength because damn that hurt. As in bringing tears to the eyes kinda hurtage.

“Hey, watch the human!” I shouted, and that’s when I noticed the non-humans in the group. Spike was flinging himself against an invisible doorway where his invite had obviously been revoked and Angel was having limited success in trying to keep him back. Angel's back was to the invisible barrier and obviously he didn't have an invite either because the barrier wavered as he braced himself against it and struggled to grab Spike's body as Spike struggled to get in. Giles had a crossbow aimed at the door. My instincts said fight to get to the mate, but I also knew that look on Giles’ face- he was in Ripper mode. Deciding that I needed to, for once, use the few brain cells I actually had access to, I let myself go limp in Buffy’s determined hands.

“Geez, nice welcome home party,” I complained as my hands were wrenched behind my back, and cold steel snapped around my wrists. “Anya keeps trying to get me to try this stuff, but I have to tell you it really isn’t my kink,” I tried to joke as Buffy pulled me to my feet. I struggled against a need to lash out before she could finish making me as helpless, but I took deep breaths and tried to control the non-Zeppoly instincts.

“It’s okay, Xander. Whatever Spike’s done, we have books on thralling and possession, and we’ll fix this.” I could tell from the voice that Willow was crying, but I was facing Spike who now that the fight was over stood outside loudly growling his displeasure in game face. I could tell he was still struggling to reach me, his legs shifting and flexing even as Angel held his upper body immobile in his much larger embrace. I couldn't look away from his expression of fury and near panic.

“Spike hasn’t done anything. You guys on the other hand, I’m thinking I may need to start a list for you guys.” I tried for a non-confrontational, look-at-Xander-goof-around kind of tone, but from the way Giles turned to give me that Ripper look, I’m assuming that came across kinda bitchy… I mean cranky because I’m so not the bitch here." I shot a quick look over to Buffy before I returned my gaze to Spike who had broken out of Angel's grasp and threw himself against the invisible barrier again.

“Giles, as much as I would like to blame Spike for this, he hasn’t done anything wrong… lately.” Angel said wearily, as physically grabbed Spike by the neck.

“Get off me, you over-gelled poufter!” Spike complained, but the words came out a little muffled since his face was still shoved under Angel’s arm. I had to restrain my own need to growl as Angel physically manhandled my man… vamp… *mate*.

“I am not likely to take your word, now am I?” Giles said coldly as he turned back to Angel. Oh yeah, now that was the full on Ripper glare. And now I was really starting to wonder just what the hell was going on here because there was too much testosterone in this room, I could feel the need to fight making the hairs stand up on my arms.

“Spike hasn’t done anything except save me from a peptide demon and fix my leg and there was that one time when he threw me into the wall when I accused him of being a coward, but with his headache and all that kinda evened out,” I babbled, quickly glossing over the whole longer-leash-on-the-chip issue.

"Pep-tuli demon ya git, and as I never touched your leg, pulled a hunk of wood out of your arse," Spike corrected me from outside, and I tried to ignore the need to answer his challenge since I was still chained up and Giles still had the crossbow, and the girls still looked a little panicky, so I just kept right on with my interrupted tirade.

“And then we have the friends who didn’t notice I was gone and who knock me down and chain me up when I show up again. Gotta say, not feeling the love here people.” My head knew that they hadn’t really turned on me. Riley's comments made it really clear that the Initiative had tricked the Scoobies, but the pack instinct left me feeling betrayed. I would never have accepted some Willow voice on the phone no matter what it said. If she had been upset enough to leave, I would have followed her to the ends of the earth to find out why. And yet, she accepted a Xander voice that wasn't even Xander.

“I think you’ve made your displeasure with us perfectly clear,” Giles said in tones so frosty that I wondered if he wasn’t an evil twin. Hey, weirder things have happened.

“Um, I think I haven’t. Whoever you’ve been talking to on the phone wasn’t me.”

“Riley told us about your claim about being in the Initiative, but we all talked to you.” Buffy broke in at this point. She also nearly broke my arm giving me a little tug on the chain. Gotta hate slayer strength, well except when it’s saving the world. “If you want to worm your way out of this, you’re going to have to find a better lie. But whether or not you’re a complete jerky idiot, which you are, you’re still our friend and we’re fixing whatever Spike has done. Right before I introduce Spike to Mr. Pointy.”

“Touch him and I’ll string your guts, slayer,” Spike growled from the other side of his invisible barrier, and Angel sighed heavily.

“Not helping, Spike,” I pointed out.

“If you are not controlling Xander, I fail to see why you should be so concerned,” Giles pointed out with ice practically dripping from his words.

“Spike, stop it or I’m going to throw you in the trunk until morning,” Angel snarled with a quick flash of gameface as he jerked Spike’s head up roughly. *I* was the only one who had a right to hurt the mate! I snarled and pressed forward to challenge Angel only to have Buffy jerk me back from behind.

“Right, he hasn’t done anything at all. You’re the same old human Xander,” she snapped in a sort of breathy voice, and I realized she was struggling to hold me back. I pulled to get to Spike, and she held the chain between my wrists. I shot Angel a dirty glare, a glare that pointed out that Spike was mine and I was the only one who had a right to make him submit. Spike quieted and Angel let him go. And damn it, seeing Angel succeed in making Spike submit where I’d failed just made me hate the brooding bastard more. I pulled harder, this time getting a good two or three inches forward in my quest to rip Angel apart. In fact after Spike’s performance, I might rip a few guts out of him too for submitting to Angel right in front of me.

“Good heavens,” Giles exclaimed as he looked at me, and suddenly I noticed the colored lighting when Giles didn’t have colored lighting, and oh yes. Once more I prove that I have the self-control of a gnat. I stopped pulling so suddenly that Buffy didn’t have time to compensate and we both ended up sailing backwards. In keeping with my recent luck, we both crashed ass-first into Giles’ coffee table. Yep, in as in Buffy’s butt going through it first. At least this time she was the one risking ass injury instead of me.

“Are you okay?” I asked as I sprawled on top of her. A section had managed to stay together, so my legs were awkwardly hiked up over two legs and a piece of wood connecting them, and with the chained hands, I really couldn’t do anything other than squirm a bit.

“Holy shit, stop moving,” Buffy swore and Willow and Tara appeared in a flurry of words.

“Oh goddess!”

“Are you o-o-kay?”

“Just hold on, I’ll get you right up.”

“I have his left arm.”

The girls pulled me up and I turned around to see Buffy lying in the ruins of the table.

“Damn it, this was a new blouse and now look at it,” Buffy complained as Willow and Tara helped her up. She put a finger through a quarter-sized hole to illustrate her point. “What were you even thinking, Xander? The council should give a clothing stipend, this is just unfair.” Oh god, and there was the Buffy poutage.

“Are you alright?” Giles asked her anxiously, totally ignoring the clothing tirade.

“Better than your coffee table,” Buffy admitted. Giles rounded on me.

“And when exactly were you planning on telling me you’d become a primal?” Giles demanded in a tone that made me physically step back. Hey, not stupid when it comes to keeping my skin in one piece. Maybe I sometimes look stupid in the self-preservation portion of the slayage, but if I didn’t look after myself, I would have been eaten long ago. And those instincts were telling me that Giles was about two seconds away from taking pieces of my skin off in large hunks.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to explain. Xander never stopped being a primal after the hyena incident.” Angel interrupted. “Spike didn’t do anything to him; Xander hasn’t been totally human for a number of years. That’s why the Initiative took him.”

“Oh good lord.” Giles sat down heavily on the nearest surface, which happened to be a large stack of books, but I don’t think he even noticed that.

“A primal? An animal primal with the spirits and the super strength? Like when he tried to… you know… with Buffy? Oh goddess.” Willow retreated to the couch and Tara followed, soothing her mate with small touches on the arm. Buffy just stood there looking shocked.

“So, can we come in now?” Angel asked mildly. Spike just leaned against the wall silently, but I could smell the fury and the frustration rolling from him.

“Angel, Spike, come in, please,” Giles said in quiet voice with a vague gesture of his hand toward the living room.

“Oi, about bloody time. Rude leavin’ guests…” Angel and I both issued a curt, “Shut up, Spike” at the same time.

“I think we need to talk,” I suggested. I scooted a step closer to Spike and Angel before I then inching back toward Buffy. Okay, I admit it, I had no idea where my loyalties lay, and as much as I still wanted Spike, his submission to Angel had a small part of me wanting to beat the shit out of him. Time for that later. First order of business was getting unchained. These stupid handcuffs were really digging into my wrists.