No Hero

Author's Notes: More bickering, this time between Willow and Angel.


This Is How a Heart Breaks

“Have you come up with anything yet?” Angel asked as he helped Willow unpack her books, studying the titles curiously. “You didn’t need to bring all of this,” he added after a brief pause.

“I work better with my own books,” said the witch. “We haven’t really found anything except that we’re supposed to try to contact Themis tomorrow.” At Angel’s confused expression, Willow offered what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

“At least it’s something to go on.”

“Yeah, and I’m thinking that we were definitely meant to be here. I mean, Hyperion, come on. That can’t be just a coincidence. It was like we were being led here.”

Nodding his agreement, the vampire inquired, “You don’t know about my dream, do you?”

“You mean when you astral projected into my house? Yeah, Buffy told us about that on the plane in between screaming fits,” Willow replied.

“Buffy had a screaming fit?” he asked worriedly.

“Oh, no, sorry,” she hastily apologized. “There was a screaming baby in the seat behind her that nearly drove us all crazy until we did have screaming fits.”

Chuckling with false amusement, the brunette vampire thumbed through one of the thick, leather-bound manuscripts the witch had brought with her. “How have you been?” he asked politely.

“I’ve been,” she said cryptically. “I usually have one or two of the slayers dropping by my house every couple of weeks, so I’m never really alone, but… You know how it is.”

“Yeah,” Angel agreed. “I definitely know how it is.”

“Listen, a-about Buffy… She doesn’t want to hurt you…”

“I know.”

“The whole thing with Spike is complicated.”

“I know.”

“Is that all you can say?” the redhead asked bitterly.

Indignant, the vampire questioned, “What would you like me to say?”

“I don’t know, I guess I just expected you to be angrier,” she responded.

“I… I’ve never been a great conversationalist.”

“That’s the understatement of the century,” muttered Willow.

“I can hear you.”

“Oh! Sorry. I guess I’m not used to being around vampires anymore, and I usually talk to myself when I’m alone, so… Actually, I’m pretty much used to being alone for the most part because I don’t really get out much,” she rambled.

A soft smile on his lips, Angel settled his hand on Willow’s shoulder for a moment, and after a long pause, he finally summed things up in a concise statement. “It’s been a long time.”

“Yeah,” the witch agreed. “It’s been a very, very long time.” Though they had never been close, she turned and embraced the vampire briefly.

Even as he returned her hug, Angel felt the tension in her arms and smelled it in her blood. Breaking the awkward moment by drawing away, the vampire began looking through another of the books. “If we were all losing parts of our memories, why are you supposed to contact Themis?” he inquired.

“We already tried Mnemosyne; she was the one who told us that it was a matter for Themis.” Rubbing the bridge of her nose, Willow finished arranging her books and sat down on the couch. A moment later, she was on her feet again and rummaging through the mini-bar for a drink as she added, “I wonder if it’s only us.”

“So do I, and moreover, I wonder why this is happening. I think it has something to do with my… coma, for lack of a better word for it.”

“A-are you doing okay?” Willow asked anxiously, popping open her Dr. Pepper. She remembered that Angel didn’t drink soda, but still she gestured to the mini-bar and gave him a questioning glance. At the shake of his head, she closed it.

“I get headaches occasionally, but other than that, I’m as well as can be expected,” he answered.

“We were never really friends,” the witch said blatantly, “but we both want Buffy to be happy, right? That’s always been our common ground.”

“That and the fight against evil,” he agreed. “I’m not going to do anything to come between Buffy and Spike, but… I actually wish she was still with Riley.”

“Riley never made her happy.”

“And I suppose everything was roses and hearts with Spike?” Angel retorted acrimoniously.

“Angel, Buffy’s not really a roses and hearts kind of girl.”

“Woman. She’s a woman now.”

“She was a woman when you thought she was a girl,” the redhead countered gently.

“I know that now,” said the vampire. “She should be a roses and hearts kind of woman. It’s what she deserves, what she –”

“Needs?”

“Yes.” As the word escaped his lips, Angel realized his mistake; it was the same oversight he had always made in regards to Buffy. He foolishly believed that he knew what she needed when, really, he hadn’t the faintest idea. What he thought she needed was really…

“That’s what you want for her,” Willow voiced his thoughts aloud. “You want her to have the big yellow house with a white picket fence, a husband, a dog, and two-point-five children. You want her to have a normal life, and that’s what we all wanted for her, but, Angel… that’s not Buffy.”

“It’s just that… I know Spike. I’ve known him for over a century, and when I think of the way he must have treated her, how violent it must have been when they…” he let the sentence fade when he discovered that he couldn’t bear to speak the words aloud.

“Buffy’s not, that is, she wasn’t… She wasn’t happy to be alive… then. She was violent,” whispered the redhead.

The brunette vampire averted his gaze as he replied, “I know, and if I could have helped her, then maybe… Maybe she…”

“She would never have fallen in love with Spike,” Willow finished.

“Maybe she never would have touched him,” he spat.

With a heavy sigh, Willow finished the rest of her drink and set the can aside. “Why are you here, Angel? I-in my room talking to me, why are you here?”

“There’s something important I need to talk to you about. If I save enough people, I can become human again.” At Willow’s surprised expression, he continued, “Don’t tell Buffy. You’re right, she was right, I do always make the decisions when it comes to us, and this is the last one.”

“If she knew…”

“She would feel duty-bound to choose me over Spike no matter what her heart told her. She would think it was her place to help me adjust to being human again. I can’t let her do that.”

“N-no, I don’t think so. You have to tell her, Angel. She has to know everything so that she can make the decision she feels is right,” Willow stated reasonably.

“Did you ever believe that we would last?” Angel inquired suddenly.

“No.” Her answer was scarcely above a whisper. “And n-not just because she’s a slayer and you’re a vampire, it just never felt right.”

“It did to me. I love her.”

“So much so that you’ll lose your soul if –”

“No, I won’t,” Angel interrupted with a bitter laugh. “When Jenny Calendar located the spell, she found the original, t-the one without the curse attached. Whistler confirmed it while I was still in Sunnydale. There is no curse.”

“You knew,” the witch said despairingly. “Y-you knew all this time, and you left her. My God, Angel… You say that you love her, but you left her.”

“I did what was best for her…”

“No!” Willow barked. “No, Buffy told me what you said about how she would want someone who could make love to her, a-and…”

Angel dropped his head in his characteristic way as he muttered, “I could have… could have fucked her, but… I was punishing myself. And her.”

“Punishing Buffy? If you love her, why would you want to punish her?”

“I spent centuries in Hell, Willow,” the vampire whispered, his voice laced with pain and self-loathing. “And even if I hadn’t resented that, my demon hated her for making me feel human. She was never… she’s not safe with me.”

“She’s not safe with you, and you still want to get her back? You resented her for killing you to save the world?” Willow asked incredulously. She had always suspected, always known it in her heart, but hearing the words aloud sickened her. “She made the most painful decision of her life and you resented her, then you turned around and hurt her in the worst way. Get out.”

“I… I had to tell someone, and –”

“And you thought you would get sympathy from me? You c-can’t just sit there and claim you love her when you hate her!”

“I could never hate her!”

“Maybe you don’t, but Angelus does. At least Spike –”

“Yes, William’s demon loves Buffy, mine wants to destroy her,” Angel bit out. “I know that, and it’s killing me! Spike was always the most human of us… and even if I become human, I’ll always remember being in Hell. It’s tearing me apart.”

“It’s nothing less than you deserve for what you did to her.”

“I know.” And with that, the vampire strode from Willow’s hotel room in a flurry of dark cloth, his undead heart leaden with misery.