Not Forgotten

Chapter 10


Xander turned in his Sire’s arms. He buried his face into the pale column of Spike’s neck and scented.

This was a ritual that Xander indulged in every evening. It wasn’t a conscious thing, not really. It was definitely a vamp thing, his demon’s way of seeking reassurance that it wasn’t alone.

When his demon had done its thing, the soul took over and Xander found himself feeling a little bit more like himself. This was a daily battle, and Spike had been teaching him how to take control and when to let the control go. Xander was getting pretty good at it. So long as the demon got its morning and nightly sniff and its quota of blood, it was relatively happy and quiet. Xander had learnt that letting go was sometimes the easiest option. The demon and the soul were at odds with each other, but Spike had been right when he’d said that Xander’s soul was stronger. It was. A lot stronger.

Xander accepted the demon now. It was a part of him and there was nothing that he could do about that. The sight of a fit, young, healthy human still caused the demon to writhe, claw to get out and kill, kill, kill. It had frightened Xander at first, frightened him that he might so easily lose control. But Spike had taught him how to rein the demon back and let his soul shine through. It was easy when you knew how.

It had taken a while, maybe six months, but Xander had learned not to take what his demon wanted too much to heart. He was a vampire now and that wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. It was just the way it was. But Xander was also still human, sort of. He had his soul, he had the same personality and he had most of the same likes and dislikes. He was basically still Xander. And he had Spike to thank for that.

Xander skimmed his hands over his Sire’s chest. Spike had been there, all this time. Spike had supported him, trained him and comforted him. He’d been everything Xander had needed and more. He couldn’t have asked for a better Sire, friend and lover.

Xander glanced over at the mug that he had bought for Spike at last month's fair. He’d stood and watched while the stall owner had carved the writing into the side of it, knowing that it was true, that Spike had done above and beyond what Xander could ever have expected. ‘World’s Best Sire.’ Xander grinned at the memory. The stall owner had been very puzzled. Spike had been speechless.

Xander snuggled into Spike’s body and he sighed contentedly as he felt Spike’s arms unconsciously wrapping around him. He felt complete. He was lying in the arms of the person that he felt closest to in the world. And he was in love.

Of course, it hadn’t always been that way. Oh, he had known that his feelings for Spike were way beyond friendship, way beyond any Sire-Chile bond, but it took him a while to fully admit it. Admitting it to Spike had been strangely easy; it had been admitting it to himself that had been difficult.

It wasn’t really the love thing that had wigged him out. Xander had always worn his heart on his sleeve and as a vampire he was no different. The problem had been separating his true feelings from the Sire-Childe bond. That had been difficult at times. But he’d taken the time to learn the difference and Spike had not begrudged him that time.

It had been worth it.

Xander thought back to the first time that they’d made love, properly made love, with no feeding and no Sire-Childe bond.

The circumstances had been awful. Xander had been invited over to Buffy’s for an evening of ‘light entertainment’. It couldn’t have been further from the truth. Spike had been invited too and the both of them were near enough lynched upon arrival.

‘What the hell is going on?’

‘Spike, if you’re hurting Xander, I’ll…’

‘Xander, why are you hanging around with this monster?’

‘Are you stupid?’

‘What did I ever do to you, Xander?’

‘Is this about me?’

It had taken forty five minutes for Xander to blow. For a young vampire, he had shown astonishing control. Xander had blurted out everything. Almost. He’d told of how he’d gotten into trouble with a fledge and how Spike had saved him. He’d told of how his mother and father had left and Spike had been the one to comfort him. He’d confessed that yes, they were living together and yes, there was something between them and no, it wasn’t anybody else’s business. Throughout the speech Xander could feel pride drifting from his Sire, his friend, his Spike.

When there was nothing more to say, they had left. Hand in hand. They had walked home in silence, hands still linked together, pondering the past, the present and the future. When they had reached home, they had kissed. Nothing was said and nothing needed to be said, not at that moment. *That* moment was about them being together, just the two of them, an admission that they worshipped, adored and loved each other.

They touched, they explored and they searched. It was as though everything was new, everything needed to be seen and caressed as if for the first time.

Before this, sex had been about contact, intimacy, keeping the bond humming happily along and it had never gone beyond hurried hand jobs, spontaneous frottage and frantic blowjobs.

This had been different. This was slow, careful love, the worship of a cock through cool, venerating lips, the reverence of a body with tender hands and the filling of a being with a body that trembled with desire to love and to be loved.

It had been their true beginning.

**

Xander gave a hard tug and snapped the demon’s neck. He took a step back and really looked at his surroundings.

His friends. Some dusting themselves off. Some still battling with their opponents.

Buffy finished off the last demon and helped Willow to her feet. “Are you okay? Those guys were tough…”

“I’m okay, Buffy, really. Wow, more than we expected, huh?”

“A *lot* more. Is everyone else okay? Xander?”

Xander stared and nodded. He was fine. The demons had been strong but nothing that he, Spike and Buffy couldn’t handle. Xander had dispatched a total of five demons with the ease of a Slayer. He was strong now, a powerful Childe. Spike had trained him well, taught him how to fight, how to defend and how to run. The fight had been an easy one; he hadn’t been in any real danger. It was a far cry from the fights of nearly a year ago. Clumsy Xander no longer existed.

How could they not have noticed?

Xander watched his friends file away. He looked down at his feet and felt tears threatening to fall.

“Little pet?”

“They don’t see me, do they?”

“What do you mean?” Spike asked.

“I’m right here, right in front of them, but…they just don’t notice me. It hurts.”

“Well, you’ve not told them about…”

“I shouldn’t need to tell them! It isn’t like I really hide it any more. Buffy watched me. She always does. She watches to make sure that I don’t get eaten by a nasty and she watches to make sure that you don’t hurt me, rape me or whatever it is that she’s thinks you’re gonna do. She watches me, but she still doesn’t see me.”

“She doesn’t see what you are,” Spike guessed.

“Exactly. I’m still the Zeppo. She doesn’t see how powerful I am now. She doesn’t see that I can hold my own in a fight. She doesn’t see that I can fight well enough to even take her down. All she sees is what I was, what she expects me to always be.”

“Well, the Slayer’s always been bloody minded.”

“True. But I was her best friend. When was the last time that she really talked to me or spent any time with me? It seems like forever.”

“Xan, it ain’t you. It’s because of me. It’s because of what I did.”

“No! Don’t say that! I don’t want to hear you say that anymore. It isn’t you. It’s never been about you. It’s about her. She just can’t accept who you are now. She can’t accept that she was partly to blame for what happened. And she’s punishing me because of it.”

“Little pet…”

“And the rest of them, they’re just as bad. Maybe they’re worse, even. They follow her like a herd of sheep. Completely mindless. They focus on what she’s saying and they don’t give a fuck about me.”

“That ain’t true, luv.”

“It is…”

“It ain’t! They do care. They do. They’ve just…forgotten.”

“Forgotten about me?”

“Yeah. They don’t see you anymore. They see the two of us, like we’re one entity. They focus so hard on our relationship, they’ve forgotten about the rest of us.”

“I’m your lover. I’m not Xander anymore. That’s what they think.”

Spike nodded and pulled Xander closer, brushing his hands up and down his Childe’s arms. “You’ve had enough. Am I right?”

“Yeah. Dead right. I need to tell them. And I need to move on.”

“Move on?”

“Move away. I think I need to leave Sunnydale. All the time I’m here I can’t move on. The story’s over, Spike. It’s time to close the book.”

Spike nodded silently.

“Spike? Do you want to leave? What are you thinking?”

“What am I thinking? I’m thinking, where the fuck did we store the suitcases! 'Course I want to bloody leave! Where do you want to go?”

“Gods, I have no idea. Anywhere. I just want to say goodbye and start a new life. See new places, make new friends. I just want to live.”

“Don’t throw your friends away, luv. I know it’s weird, but the reason why they don’t see you is because they care about you. They see *me* as the threat, they don’t need to look no further.”

“I won’t throw them away, Spike. I know what you’re saying. I just can’t live like this anymore. I want to move on. And I can’t do that here. There are just too many memories and too many barriers. They’ll never fully accept us and I’m not sure that they’ll ever accept or understand how we got to this. Do you know what I mean?”

“I do. Completely. So the question is, when?”

“Not yet. I need to think. But soon, Spike. Real soon.”

**

“Fuck it!”

“What!?” Spike asked, jolting awake.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Yeah, nothing.”

“Bollocks. No-one yells ‘fuck it’ at the top of their voice for nothing.”

“It’s Dawnie.”

Spike scrabbled out the bed to join his Childe by the phone. “What? What’s happened to Dawn?”

“It’s her birthday.”

“Oh. Fuck's sake, Xan. You trying to give me palpitations?”

“You don’t get palpitations.”

“Well, be bloody thankful, then. What’s up?”

“I told you, it’s Dawn’s birthday.”

“We already knew that, little pet. Got her prezzie right over there.”

Xander glanced sadly at the little box on the dresser. A locket, inscribed with Dawn's name on the front and ‘Our love eternal’ on the back. “Buffy called. I’ve been invited to join them on a celebration picnic.”

“Ah.”

“I think ‘ah’ is an understatement. I guess you can imagine how my reluctance went down.”

“I’ve got a fair idea. What did you tell her?”

“That we’d both be 'round in the evening. That we both wanted to celebrate with Dawn, together. I left out the bit about the sun making me toasty. This is stupid, Spike. They’re hurting me. They’re hurting you and…I’m hurting them.”

“How did you work that last bit out, luv?”

“I am hurting them, with all these lies.”

Spike snorted. “'Snot like they didn’t hurt you first, luv.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. It’s time, Spike. We have to tell them. *I* have to tell them.”

“Now?!”

“No! Gods, no. Not now. Not on Dawn’s birthday.”

“But soon?”

“Yeah. You still okay with the moving thing?”

“’Course. Told you that, didn’t I?”

“Yup. Just checking. Spike…I think we should sell up.”

“Sell the house!? That’s pretty final, luv. You sure?”

“Positive. I’m not running away, you know. Just in case that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Wasn’t.”

“I’m not. Running away,” Xander said, more to himself. “I just need this. We *both* need this. There’s just too much crap here, too many bad things that have happened, too much history.”

Spike walked up behind Xander and slid his arms around his waist. “You don’t have to convince me, luv.”

“Maybe I just need to convince myself. Why does everything have to be so hard?”

“It doesn’t.”

“But it is, hard.”

“Don’t have to be, little pet. You’ve just got the wrong head on.”

Xander turned in Spike’s arms. “Huh?”

“You’ve got your broody, everything’s all black, head on.” Spike tapped on the said head and pretended to try and twist it off. “All we’ve got to do is unscrew it and fit your deluxe, everything is for a reason-never give up, happy head.”

Xander laughed and squirmed as Spike pulled at his head. “Hey, watch the hair!”

“Bloody hell! This is worse than I thought! You’ve got your Angel head on! Right, it’s coming off!”

Xander wrenched himself free and screeched all the way down the stairs as Spike pursued him with maniacal laughter and a look of pure evil. A playful tussle later and they were laying with tangled limbs on the couch, Xander’s weight having finally gotten the better of Spike.

“Getting strong, little pet.”

“Not so little anymore, huh?”

“I suppose. Always be my little pet, though. Even if you are a bloody great lump.”

Xander chuckled and wriggled until he was able to lay his head on Spike’s chest. “Love you. I don’t say that often enough. I should. And I will. I do, Spike. I really do.”

“'S okay, little pet. I don’t say it often enough either. I do too, though, with everything I’ve got. I love you, Xander Harris-Bloody. Or should that be Xander Bloody-Harris?”

“Um, the first one. Definitely,” Xander said with a smile.

“If you insist. So, where do you want to go?”

“Can we really go anywhere?”

“Yup. Within reason, that is. I ain’t going anywhere too cold.”

“Oh. There’s my Lapland plan out the window,” Xander joked. “Actually, I like the idea of the country. Green trees, a lake, animals, birds, somewhere peaceful. That would be nice.”

“It would be. Sounds perfect. We’ll have a think.” Spike smacked Xander's ass. “Right. Up. Go on, move it. Got phone calls to make. Let’s get this house up for sale.”

Xander nodded and moved off the couch. “You’ll make the phone calls?” At Spike’s nod, Xander continued. “I’m gonna go wrap Dawnie’s present. She’ll like it, won’t she?”

“She’ll love it.”

“Do you think she’ll be mad that I’m not going to the picnic?”

“Disappointed, maybe. Not mad. She knows us, though. She knows she’ll see us later.”

“I’ll miss her. I’ll miss all of them.”

“I know, pet. I will too. But it ain’t like we’re dropping off the face of the planet. We can visit. They can visit…”

“If they even want to.”

“They will. Might take ‘em a while, but they’ll come 'round eventually.”

“I guess we gotta just shake them up first, huh?”

“Sodding right. Give ‘em a mighty shock, that’s for bloody sure!”

“Yeah,” Xander laughed. “It would almost be fun, if it wasn’t so not fun.”

Spike shook his head at the logic. “Go on, bugger off and wrap that present. Come back and fuck me when you’re done.”

“Oh, love of my un-life, such the romantic.”

“And don’t you bloody forget it.”

“Spike?”

“What?”

“France.”

“Eh?”

“I like France. You wanna go live there?”

“France,” Spike pondered. “Sure. France is good. Know any French, pet?”

“Nope. Not a word. You?”

“Fluent.”

“Really? Teach me?”

“Go wrap that bloody present and I’ll give you a French lesson you’ll never forget.”


TBC…