This Place and Time

"What do you mean you knew it? How can you know
anything," Xander asked in confusion. It was so
troubling that Willow was able to see right through
him. Exactly how was she able to figure that he *
loved * Angel when he himself had barely come to the
realization. Was he really that readable?

She was just staring off into space with a huge grin
on her face. He began to tug on her arm urging her to
speak. Willow started to giggle before responding. "Oh
sorry but it’s just a bit of a shock. But c'mon it was
* so * completely obvious something was up. Well I
wasn't prepared for the whole 'Oh I'm so desperately
in love' part. But I knew something was up from the
way you were acting yesterday."

"I'm NOT desperately in love," he pouted.

"Yes you are," she insisted.

" No I'm not."

"Oh you * so * are."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Okay enough with the school yard banter. Let's back
up here. How did you piece together anything from the
yesterday? We only talked for five minutes," he said
and stared at her. He was really waiting for an
answer. What could she know?

"Sorry just wait a second here I need to process this.
You * love * Angel," she asked losing her large smile
and replaced it with a serious look. Xander turned to
look at her and nodded. He didn't trust himself to
speak. "God Xander I didn't know you loved him. I just
figured you were going to tell me you had a crush on
him. Oh god, this is just. Wow. I don't know give me a
second."

They both walked silently down the empty street. They
needed to process what was just said and it was
becoming uncomfortable to not talk. Xander sighed, "OK
so you know. I don't really understand it myself. Well
I do but it's just," sigh, "complicated."

Willow spoke, "Yeah I get that. I really do, but we’re
talking about love here Xander. You are * in love *
with Angel. But I guess maybe I should have seen that.
I mean you had * the look *."

"What do you mean * the look *," he asked. He really
didn't know he had a look to speak of. How could a
look give anything away?

"Xander I know you better than anyone. Whenever you
become completely, I don't know. Obsessed. You get
this look like your somewhere completely different. It
mostly happens when you talk about that said person,
like they are all you can focus on. You did that when
Buffy first came. Although that came with a side of
some really awkward babbling," she said with a hint of
humor.

Xander nudged her side. "Hey, I don't do babble." She
rolled her eyes at him. "Well OK I do, but it's not
awkward. It's humorous and entertaining."

"Yeah OK. But Xander I noticed. Plus the whole ' I
don't think of him the same way anymore' was kind of
clue. Could be a little more subtle."

"So you really knew something was up," he asked as he
looked down to look at her. She nodded." Well then. I
guess it's out. You’re not mad at me are you?"

"Oh of course not. But you have to admit it is a lot
to deal with. You and Angel were like enemies. The
non- fighting kind, but still you were enemies. But I
suppose all that tension was bound to turn into
something. Who would of thought something sexual," she
began to giggle as she thought about it. "Oh god maybe
I should have seen this a lot earlier. I mean you
thought he was a very attractive man. Oh gosh someone
should really document this. Perfect example of pent
up sexual frustration."

He gave her a quick nudge before sighing. "Will calm
down I didn't think about him like that back then.
That was genuine hate. Nothing sexual. So I'm sorry
for having to stomp all over your theory but that so
wasn't the case. I didn't have any attraction toward
him."

"But you do now." She put her head on his shoulder as
they turned a corner." Oh god. Does he even feel the
same way Xander? I don't want you getting hurt over
this. What if he doesn't feel the same way and you’re
just setting yourself up for something that you can't
have?"

"I don't know Wills. I just know that I like being
around him. That he is all I can think about. It's
just so hard to deal with this. But I know he has to
feel something for me. I just know it."

Willow sighed and snuggled against the shoulder. "Does
he even know about this? Does he even know that you
like him? I mean I know you wanted to be friends and
everything. But does Angel even know you like him that
way?"

"Oh believe me he knows," he said without thinking.
Willow immediately stiffened against him and she
pulled away and stared at him with a puzzled look. He
stared at her and her eyes widened in the realization
of what he meant. Xander paled as he realized that she
hadn't pieced that little part together. "Oh GOD, you
didn't know?"

She shook her head and took a deep breath. They stood
there for a moment before Willow shouted in shook.
"OH. MY. GOD. Xander what the he...," she lost her
breath and wasn't able to finish. She looked
completely lost and she appeared to be hyper
ventilating.

Xander grabbed her and patted her back as she knelt
down and tried to catch her breath. Perhaps he
shouldn't have assumed she knew everything there was
about this thing he had with Angel. It was obvious she
wasn't ready for everything.

Willow caught her breath and stood. She had a stern
look on her face and stared into his eyes." Xander I
need you to be completely honest with me. Have you and
him had sex?"

"Uh, well I don't know if it's exactly sex but I guess
so. Yeah," he said. He went stiff as she glared at
him. What could be going through her mind? He didn't
know what to expect and he felt as though he was
shrinking under her gaze. This could be bad. But
before anything happened she stormed off.

Xander went after her. When he got closer he grabbed
her shoulder and turned her around. She had tears
falling down her face and his heart sank in his chest.
He didn't know what was going on. But he had to ask.
"Wills, what's wrong?"

She looked at him through her tears and looked
directly in his eyes right before turning away. "I
can't do this Xander."

He looked at her and wondered what her deal was. "What
do you mean you can't do this? Is it about me and you?
Because I thought we agreed it was just a one time
thing. We both know it won't happen again and are you
like, still attracted to me?"

She looked at him with anger in her eyes. "NO! You’re
so thick. That's not why I'm mad. Or sad, or... I
don't know I haven't decided."

He looked at her and didn't know what exactly was
going through her mind. She seemed to be deep in
thought, but he knew he wasn't close to what was
really on her mind. So he took another shot at it.
"Oh, is this about the gay thing?"

"Oh DEAR GOD Xander. No it's not and you know it. My
whole world isn't going to go crumbling down just
because I found out you like men. I'm not shallow or
anything."

"Then why are you so upset? I don't get it. Just talk
to me," he asked in concern. If it wasn't the gay
thing and she wasn't jealous - What was it? What was
bothering her so much that she was reduced to tears?

"Xander," she began sobbing. "I can't do this. I just
can't."

"What Will? What can't you do?"

"I can't stand back and watch you be with Angel. Okay.
I just can't approve of this. I just thought that you
know, Angel was with Buffy. I figured he wouldn't feel
the same way and when you got crushed I'd be there to
pick up the pieces. I know that's arrogant but that's
what I thought. I didn't really think that he'd feel
something back. But now I know Xander. And I can't do
it. Even though I want you do be happy more than
anything I just can't approve of you being with him."
She finished and tears began streaming down her face.

Xander was angry. She was telling him that he couldn't
be with Angel. Who the hell did she think she was
anyway? She couldn't tell him who he could or could
not see. Yes he wanted her to approve and have her
support. But he didn't need it. He nearly exploded.
"Why the hell not," he said coldly. "Willow you can't
stop me from seeing him. I'm a grown boy and I can do
whatever I want. So maybe you should just go."

Maybe it was the fact that he called her by her
'Willow' instead of Wills. Maybe it was his tone. But
for some reason Willow found the strength to fight
against her sorrow and slap Xander across the face.
They both stood there in shock as the scene sunk in.

After long silence Willow was the first to pull
herself together before she spook. "Xander I'm so
sorry. But you’re being foolish. You should know why
you can't be with him. What's wrong with you? You know
why you can't?"

He was blind with rage to comprehend what she was
really getting at. "Why then? Enlighten me."

"* Angelus *. Have you forgotten about him. You were
the head of the, I hate Angelus fan club. And you
forgot? Xander how could you be so dumb?"

He stared at her for so long he didn't know whether
he'd be able to speak. His face was a look of shook.
She had just destroyed something inside him and he
didn't know if he could handle it. All he could do was
sit on the ground and bury his head in his knees. She
was right. What the hell was he thinking?

Willow stared at him and she let her tears fall.
"Xander I'm so sorry," she said as she knelt down and
took her friend in her arms." I know this has to be
hard but... I don't know what to say. I want you to be
happy but I really don't think you should try anything
with Angel. I like him but he's dangerous in a
relationship. I mean what if.."

She didn't get the rest of the sentence out as Xander
looked at her with sorrow filled eyes. "What if I
can't give him perfect happiness? I mean it can't
happen. He was in love with Buffy, so it won't
happen."

Willow stared at him, saddened, and hugged him close.
"I'm sorry but you know you can't risk it. I would
love for you to be able to be with him. But it just
can't happen. Can you honestly say you'd risk setting
Angelus free just because of this thing you have for
him?"

"Will, you don't understand. I don't want to let it
go. I really do love him and I don't think I'm strong
enough to just walk away now. God I've really messed
things up. When did this become so intensely
complicated?" He thought over everything that had
happened in the last few days and he wasn't sure what
to think. From the time he had shown up at Angel's
door, to the night of patrol. The amazing morning they
had. He really didn't want to give it all up.

Willow tugged on his arm and motioned for him to
stand. "0C'mon let's get off the street. I'll finish
walking you home."

Xander got up and just followed her. He didn't know
what to say. Not even knowing if he could speak, he
just walked the rest of the way in silence. Willow
snuggled into his shoulder and tried to offer him
comfort.

Xander felt like he was dying inside. Angel was the
only person who made him feel completely safe. Angel
was the only one to give him full attention and not
ignore him. It just felt bad. All he wanted to do was
go back to Angel's and spend more time with him. That
was all he knew. He had just admitted to himself that
he was in love with Angel and now he couldn't even
have him.

When they arrived at his home they both sat on the
front porch and stared at the street. Willow was at
his side hugging him close and Xander sat silently,
not willing to speak. Willow decided that it was time
to get his mind off this for a while. "Buffy asked me
to tell you to come by today. I kind of forgot. So
what do you say we start walking?"

Xander shot his head up and looked at her, lost. "Oh
God," he said as he buried his head in his knees
again.

Willow looked worried, not knowing what was going on.
"Xander what's wrong," she asked. He just mumbled into
his legs and she couldn't make out a thing he was
saying. "Xander look at me. What's wrong?"

He stared up at her, a few tears trickled from his
eyes, sliding down his cheeks. "Will, what do you
think Buffy is going to do to me when she finds out?
This is so messed up. I yelled at her last night for
being at Angel's. I gave her the whole Angelus speech
too. I'm such a hypocrite. Wills, I yelled at her.
She’s going to kill me when she finds out."

Willow gave a soft sorrow filled whimper and clung to
Xander tightly. He buried his head in her shoulder.
"Well I can just tell her you were sick or something.
This will work out I promise. We don't have to tell
her anything."

"Wills, you don't get it. She still loves him. I don't
know if she’s still in love with him but I know she
still loves him. I know what you’re saying; I know
neither of us can have him. But it hurts that maybe,
you know if we could, that if she wanted him she would
get him. They're like... I don't know soul-mates. I
just have this feeling that if he didn't have the
curse, that if she wanted him that he’d pick her over
me," he paused for a moment. "Kind of stupid for me to
be thinking about that huh? I'm acting like a little
girl."

Willow patted him on the head. "No, not at all. You
have concerns and that's, understandable. I mean you
both love him. But maybe we shouldn't worry about it
because it just can't happen. That's how many times
I've said that now? Forget it. Listen, things will get
better. I just wish there was something I could do to
help you Xan."

Xander's head lifted off her shoulder and he wiped the
tears from his face. He stared into her eyes. "Maybe
there is something you can do for me," he said with
hope in his voice.

I don't get it. What do you mean," she asked in
complete confusion. She really had no idea what he was
talking about.

He stared at her with a smile on his face. "Willow
think about it for a second. What can you, Willow, do
for me, Xander, to help with my problem? Just think
about it for a second."

Willow sat with her hand over her mouth, thinking
about what he was implying. What in the world could
she possibly do to help him with his problem? All she
wanted to do was make it right. She wanted Xander to
be happy. But how?

Then it hit her.

"NO! I’m not going to do that Xander. What if
something goes wrong? You know that something could
happen. Please don't ask me to do this."

"Please Will I'm desperate here."

"Xander it's dangerous. You don't know what you’re
asking."

"Wills, * please *!"

"I'll do it if you ask but don't ask me Xander. I
don't know if I can pull it off."

"Please Will. Please do a spell for me."