Mangled Spells and Manly Bits

Xander sat on the tombstone watching Spike and Faith take on the nest of fledges with such fury that every time Buffy tried to stake one in her usual ‘play with the vamp’ style, one of the other two had turned her opponent to death before she could finish a single insult. With a long-suffering sigh, Buffy retreated to the tombstone where Angel and Xander waited in a sort of stony silence.

“Now I know why we usually go with Oz and Willow,” Xander sighed as she watched the two fighters race for a fleeing vamp. “Put those two together and I never get to have any fun.” Buffy just snorted.

“Since when is staking vampires fun for you?” she asked.

“Since someone taught me how to do it right,” Xander pointed out. “Not that I’m getting to do that tonight. I’m back to warming the tombstone, which is less fun than warming the bench what with the lack of Gatorade.”

“William is rather enthusiastic,” Angel agreed.

“In more ways than one,” Xander replied and then groaned. Gender changing may have improved her sex life and grades, but it hadn’t done a thing to improve her ability to keep her mouth closed. She heard Angel chuckle lowly, but Buffy just rolled her eyes and watched Spike and Faith wander back towards them.

“You kids have fun?” Buffy called out when they got close.

“The bleach has obviously leeched into his brain,” Faith insisted with a string of long-shoreman worthy curses under her breath.

“Oi, you’re the ninny who got between two vamps.”

“And I would have been fine if some rocker wanna-be hadn’t pushed me.”

“Out of the way, I pushed ya out of the way you ungrateful trollop. Tryin’ not ta let ya get killed, not that I can remember why now because you’d be a good deal nicer ta be around dead. I imagine that’s why ya showed up in town without any friends or family in tow.”

“Right, the altruistic vampire, I forgot. Tell you what, you don’t worry about me, and I won’t worry when I accidentally stake you during patrol, okay?” Spike answered her with a growl.

“Hey, hey, no stakings, it’s on our agreed list,” Xander interrupted as she rushed between the two.

“And here comes the ‘pweshious’ little girl to protect you,” Faith taunted, and Xander could feel the fury rolling off Spike in waves. Okay, she certainly didn’t want to make Spike look weak, especially not in front of Angel, because Spike had explained enough about vampire culture for her to know how much that would hurt Spike.

“Stake,” Xander demanded in her best impression of Cordelia’s imperious commands.

“What? You smokin’ something precious?” Faith asked, but Xander stood with her hand out until Faith surrendered her stake with a confused look over to Buffy.

“Don’t kill each other,” Xander ordered as she walked back to the tombstone. Buffy took a step forward in alarm, but Angel put out a hand to keep her back. By the time Xander had hopped back up on her impromptu seat, the fight had already begun in earnest. Faith and Spike tore into each other like furies before jumping back out and circling in search of some weakness.

“But Faith,” Buffy complained as she pulled against Angel’s grip.

“Faith’ll be fine,” Angel said in a strangely tight voice.

“That bleached menace will kill her,” Buffy hissed.

“Spike’ll stop if Xander tells him to,” Angel said in a firm tone with a direct gaze at Xander. Normally Xander would have denied having such influence over the vampire or at least been embarrassed by it, but this was, in one form or another, Angelus who had never really given up his grandchilde and Xander stared right back at him, unwilling to make any sort of sign of weakness.

“You’re sure? I just don’t want Faith dead.” Xander looked right at Buffy and made a promise that she seriously hoped Spike would keep.

“He won’t kill her,” she vowed even as Faith went flying and landed horizontally against the side of a mausoleum before falling to the ground. “He may hurt her a bit though,” Xander hedged. By the time Oz and Willow joined them, Spike had clearly gained the upper hand although Faith had landed enough hits of her own to leave him bruised and battered.

“Whoa, seriously bad vibes,” Oz commented as he walked over, and Xander noticed that he kept himself between Willow and the fight.

“Are you going to do something about them?” Willow asked, large concerned eyes going straight to Buffy.

“I would, but then Xander would pull my hair, and we’d have the whole girl on girl thing, and I just don’t want to go there. My contract is specific for vamps and demons.” Buffy shrugged and watched the final moments of the fight.

“Hopefully this will clear some bad vibes before anyone actually dies,” Xander explained as she watched Faith slip and nearly go down before driving Spike back with a side kick.

“Good idea,” Oz added, plopping down on the ground so fast that Xander was reminded of the wolf’s movements.

“But it’s not going to end in actual death death, right? Or even undead death? Because killing Faith might get rid of some of the tension, but I don’t really think that killing is the best form of stress release. I mean, there are some really good teas I could…” Willow’s words were cut off as Spike landed one last punch that sent Faith flying towards them. She landed on the ground and tried to get up but succeed only as far as one elbow before falling back to the ground.

“Oh goddess,” Willow breathed as she went to help but Oz held her back. Angel had a hold on Buffy, so when Spike walked up, everyone remained seated.

“Coulda been three,” Xander finally said into the silence. “But I gotta say…bored now.” Xander watched as eyes full of blood lust and passion turned to her. Oh yeah, good fight plus no kill equals one horny vampire.

“Eep?” Xander squeaked in a very fake expression of dismay. Spike lowered his head, cocking it to one side, and Xander pulled up her skirt and started running for all she was worth. She could hear Willow’s and Buffy’s voices calling, but she trusted that their demons would explain what she was doing with her demon as she raced full speed across the cemetery. She would have made it too, except her Xander-luck never changed, and she tripped over a fledge crawling out of a grave. The pale creature had a hold of her ankle, and by the time it had crawled out far enough to stake it, she felt herself tackled to the ground in an inhuman grip she could never hope to break.

“Goin’ ta ravish ya good, pet,” Spike growled into the small of her neck, and Xander trembled at the words. She felt herself pulled up and tucked under his arm in an iron grip that left no doubt about his mood even as they started walking toward the house.

“Goin’ ta eat that bint one of these days.”

“Spike, you can’t eat Faith.”

“Sure I can, bit of tooth right into the jugular, and I’d get her down in five minutes tops, three if I guzzle.”

“And that’s just really kinda disturbing, but I actually meant more of the ‘can’t’ in the ‘it’s wrong’ kind of way.”

“Evil, pet. I’d think you’d remember that after a bit.” Spike tightened his arm in a show of strength, but Xander only leaned into him more.

“And still I’m thinking it’s of the wrong no matter how much of a pain she can be.”

“Killin’ a slayer’s not wrong by vampire standards. Last time I killed one, I had demons buyin’ my drinks for a month.”

“Angel’s the only other demon you hang around, and I don’t think he’d buy you any drinks.”

“I’m not so sure of that, pet. I’ve seen how Angel looks at her, and he’s had thoughts of killin’ her. I could probably get a drink or two out of the poof even as he lectured me about not eatin’ humans.” They had reached the house and Spike opened the door. “But enough talk about her, never did get to finish my chase the way I wanted to,” Spike said, and for a moment Xander didn’t know what he meant, but when Spike released her waist and gave her his best leer, Xander squealed and ran into the house, charging up the front stairs and thanking god that Spike had found and old mansion with wandering passages that went in circles. She disappeared down one hall and had gotten halfway down the kitchen stairs before she heard the front door slam.

Xander managed to avoid Spike so many times that she was starting to wonder if he was playing a game of cat and mouse. When he tackled her to the ground on the rug in the living room, directly in front of the giant mirror, she knew she’d been played. He growled and slipped his fangs into her neck, pinning her down, and from her vantage point, she could see herself pressed into the ground by absolutely nothing, and she resolved to ask Willow to check into ways to magic a mirror to show vampires because she suspected that they looked hot. After Spike had taken a few mouthfuls, Xander felt herself pulled up into his lap so that she was facing the mirror.

“What do ya see luv?” Spike asked.

“Oh god, I thought I was going to get a good ravaging here,” Xander said as she tried to push his arms away and escape the image in the mirror. She didn’t dislike mirrors nearly as much as she had as a male, but she didn’t especially like them either. She’d even complained to Spike about this very mirror.

“What do ya see?” Spike asked again.

“Brown eyes, brown hair, girl next door kind of look,” Xander said, hoping that would satisfy Spike so they could get back to the chase and ravage portion of the evening’s entertainment.

“Eyes are the windows ta the soul, and yours are almost sepia, like those old photographs me mum took. Fits ya because your soul’s older than you are; old enough ta understand things no teenager ever could. Know what ya did for me back there, and hearing Angel and Buffy so sure I’d win, that’s a gift I won’t forget soon. And your hair, thick rich chestnut curls I can bury my face in, lose myself in because I have lost myself in you. Never felt this way for anyone before.” Xander leaned back and stared at the image in the mirror trying to see herself like William did because she had no doubt that she was now held in the arms of William the poet who would sometimes sneak out of Spike and read her sonnets and leave Whitman poems on the bed.

“Face of an angel, and that shouldn’t turn me on bein’ that I’m a demon an all, but I love the gentle curve of your cheek and the lobe of your ear and the hollow of your neck.” Each body part elicited a kiss or a nip so that Xander was squirming by the time he moved on.

“Love your curves. Dru was all angles, but you have the body of a goddess with your wide hips and curved calves.” These body parts were subjected to gentle caresses.

“I think you’re trying to call me a little heavy,” Xander pointed out.

“Bloody hell, no. Perfect. Ladies in my day would have killed to have such curves. Old-fashioned hour glass figure with all these perfect shapes to explore.” Spike’s hands did a bit of exploring at this point.

“So I’m pretty,” Xander said in a ‘who cares’ kind of voice.

“Pretty, sexy, strong, mouthy, run soddin’ fast for a human, thoughtful,” Spike punctuated each word with a flick of his fingers on a button. “Loyal, smart, good at pissin’ off Peaches, learning ta swing a mean stake, assertive.” Xander soon found herself naked on the floor as Spike straddled her and tossed his own shirt into the corner. “Love how ya ordered the slayer ta give up her weapon. Love it even more that she did it.” Spike pushed her legs apart, and Xander let herself be positioned, knowing that Spike would stop if she asked, but that if she struggled, she would just end up with rug burn in very uncomfortable places. The last time that happened, she couldn’t sit straight, and Giles’ stuttering reaction had left her trapped between wanting to defend herself from the very obvious assumption Spike had spanked her and not wanting to explain the actual act that had led to her discomfort with sitting.

“So, what was the agenda tonight?” Spike asked with an amused smile as he straddled her, her hands trapped in his grip above her head.

“Chase and ravage?” Xander asked innocently.

“Oh yeah, I remember where I left off now,” Spike said with a leer, and Xander felt herself grow warm and tighten at his words as he began to thoroughly ravage her for the next couple of hours.

Xander woke up in a tangle of limbs with an uncomfortable ache in her back, probably caused by the fact that they had never made it to the bedroom the night before. Instead they were sprawled across the living room carpet, which, Xander realized, probably now needed a trip to the dry cleaners. She stretched, caressing the pale arm slung over her before she turned to look into that mirror in search of the woman Spike had described. Instead her scream woke Spike who jumped up in full game face looking for an enemy to kill. Xander ignored him, focusing instead on the image in the mirror: short brown curly hair, much darker brown eyes, heavy eyebrows, square chin.

“Bloody hell,” Spike cursed, and Xander couldn’t even form the words to answer. “Pet, ya all right?” Spike asked, and Xander struggled to find her—his voice.

“Okay, I think I’m going to find a nice deep hell mouth and see if they having any openings…maybe something at the front desk. I could do the whole ‘welcome to hell’ thing like at Wal-mart with the old people at the front door,” he babbled.

“You all right, pet?” Spike asked again, squatting down. Xander looked over, but suddenly the image of Spike’s cock hanging between his open legs seemed ever so much more intimidating.

“I just did the whole gender changie thing again, and I have to think this isn’t good on the psyche, not to mention the body. I mean, where do my manly bits go when they aren’t on me?”

“Well, your babbling came through all right.”

“Spike, what in the name of hell just happened?”

“I’d say that someone broke the spell.”

“Which I guessed based on the whole instant sex change thing. I’m just kind of wondering why.”

“Two guesses, and the first don’t bloody count.” Spike’s growl promised depths of pain and death that Xander hadn’t heard since the vampire first came to town.

“And suddenly I’m not feeling the slayerette love.”

“I’d like ta pull out their soddin’ guts,” Spike said, and Xander nearly jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder. When he stood and spun, he realized that Spike had suddenly become shorter than him, and funny enough, shorter Spike seemed a whole lot scarier. This was the view of Spike he’d always had back when the vampire had been his enemy, and Xander worked to slow his own heartbeat.

“Take it easy, pet or you’ll give yourself a heart attack. Wankers aren’t worth it.”

“Yeah, heart attack,” Xander repeated, and then he realized that with the shift, he had parts exposed for viewing that he really didn’t want exposed.

“Oh god,” he shrieked, blaming the girly sound on his recent lack of manly bits as he dove for a couch.

“Not like ya have somethin’ I haven’t seen before,” Spike began. “But then again, certain parts on ya, I haven’t seen.” Xander didn’t even want to think about the lust he heard in Spike’s voice. Nope—not gay, not thinking about it, and definitely not noticing the slowly hardening body part between his legs.

“Oh god, clothes,” Xander said nearly hyperventilating. All her—his clothes were dresses, he’d even learned to fight in a dress, and oh god, why hadn’t Spike told him he’d put himself behind a couch where the mirror reflected a nice picture of his behind. Muttering ‘oh god’ over and over, he dashed for the kitchen and just prayed Spike didn’t see it as some sort of foreplay because he was so not ready for that scene.

By the time Spike came in bearing mismatched sweats that just might fit over Xander’s frame, Xander had retrieved a cookie sheet and held it in front of his groin. Spike’s eyebrow went up, but he didn’t say anything as he tossed the clothes on the counter.

“Um, thanks,” Xander said, still trying to get used to the sound of his voice. “Could you…” Xander let his words trail off, but the incredulous look on Spike’s face made it clear that he understood.

“Fine,” he snapped and left the kitchen. Xander slowly put the cooking sheet down and slipped into the sweats, at least dressed even if it was ugly even by his standards.

Xander edged toward the kitchen door, toward the late afternoon light. Since the night he’d gotten out of the airplane in France, he’d never really feared Spike, but he couldn’t seem to get his thoughts together with the vampire so near. As long as he had girly parts, he could understand Spike’s infatuation; he’d seen that figure with the round hips and the waist and the bouncy breasts, and oh god, he was on the verge of having a whole new complex named after him because he was lusting after his own alternate self. Xander shuddered.

Back to his earlier train of thought, he understood why Spike would love that image he’d seen in the mirror, but he wasn’t the type to inspire anyone now. Buffy’d rejected him outright, which actually hurt less than Willow trying to ‘de-lust’ him without even talking, I mean when you drove girls to the dark arts to avoid any possibility of a relationship, yeah, that did bad things to the ego. Not that Cordelia did good things to the ego. The girl had stood up to her friends, and not two days later had ripped on him to those same friends when she thought he wasn’t listening.

Yep, the special announcement was over, and Xander had just been returned to his regularly scheduled life still in progress. And while he had inspired lust in a number of demons, he had always inspired them to try and snack on him in the end, so avoidance seemed the order of the day. Xander closed his eyes, trying not to cry since as a man that violated the manly code, but he couldn’t help feeling like his friends had just ripped him out of his one chance at happiness. Without saying a word, he slipped outside and started running, barefoot and all.