Saying It With Flowers

Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Pairing: Xander/William
Rating: G then R then NC17 ( but not till later…..he he he)
Author: Mightbeme
E-mail: Lee_Michelle_t@hotmail.com
Feedback: Yes please
Disclaimer: Not mine, don’t own em (pout…stamps foot….dammit) they belong to Joss etc.
Spoilers: Up to Same Time Same Place and then we take a left and head off road.
Thanks: To my wonderful friend Meg for encouraging me to finish this and for being the best beta in the world. Thanks also to the many people who sent me feedback I really appreciate it. A huge thanks to Seige and Sofy for their insights.
Apologies to all, RL has been extremely difficult for the last few weeks, I’m sorry I didn’t post sooner.

Notes: Thoughts in * * flashbacks in # #

Saying It With Flowers

Chapter 10 Xander

*God what a day* I slid between cool sheets and hugged the spare pillow against my chest, too wiped out to do anything but try to sleep. It was no good, though my body was worn-out my mind raced on, the thing with William looping endlessly. From the moment I’d realised he’d walked home in the dusk, a sick fear had clutched my heart. Panic had sent me chasing the sunset, hoping I‘d find him before it was too late. I’d been angry, I admit it, but it was nothing compared to the sick feeling I’d had when I’d seen those vamps appear on the street behind us. The nausea quickly led back to anger, fury even. I knew it was wrong, that he didn’t know the dangers, but it hadn’t tempered how I felt. Guilt by that point, irritated and frustrated with myself. That I hadn’t told him about Sunnydale’s unusual nocturnal activity. I knew Willow said Giles thought it was best to wait a while longer, to see if he remembered, but it could have gotten him killed. I’d come very close to losing him. And the thought of William being turned was enough to make me feel sick again.

Sleep, I needed sleep. The crunch of teeth grinding in my jaw was a paltry lullaby. Punching the pillow out of shape in an attempt to get comfortable helped little if at all. I buried my face, desperately breathing in the clean scent of the pillowcase, trying to will myself calm. Dammed new age crap, it just didn’t work. This couldn’t continue. How could I keep fighting the way my own body reacted whenever William was near? I felt the blood rush south again as I remembered the look of pure longing that had shone in William’s eyes. I grit my teeth as my cock twitched, and tried again to calm myself down. Having to jerk off once a night because of William was enough thank you. God I almost hadn’t made it to the bathroom in time. All I could really manage in that state was turning the water on to mask the sound. It hadn’t taken long, and afterwards all I had wanted was to wash the memory away.

“Noooo” A low groan vibrated through clenched teeth, and I turned into the pillow to muffle the sound.

*Its not fair…I don’t want him* Mocking laughter quickly drowned out that plaintive little voice in my head. I tried to ignore it, tired enough now to be on the brink of sleep. I drifted off into restless dreams, tossing and turning as I struggled to hold on to my images of Jesse. Each time I caught hold of him he smiled sadly at me and faded away, leaving me heartbroken. I could hear his voice whispering to me in the dark, just like he had when we’d had sleepovers at my home, scared to death that we’d wake up my drunken parents.

#You forgot me Xan#

#I thought you loved me#

#Don’t forget me, love me Xan#

I woke up the next morning more drained than if I’d actually been up all night. Underneath all the guilt, I felt a little thrill of anticipation at seeing William again when I got home. A part of me was really looking forward to our night out, almost as if it were an actual date instead of a casual outing with friends. I went to work gratefully, hoping my job would be enough to distract me. Hope never has done me much good, as my day promptly progressed from bad to worse. Working at Hellmouth High pretty much anything can happen, and often did. Worse was finding demons, ugly demons at that, getting ready to hibernate in the sub basement. Discovering they’d dragged off half my crew to use for a last meal was even less good. After a quick phone call, Buffy came and cleaned them out while I cheered from the sidelines. Once the dust had settled it seemed cruel to keep the guys working, so I let them have the rest of the day off. I put the rest of the guys to work doing some general cleaning and maintenance while I retired to my office and pretended to do paperwork. Dreams from the night before tickled the edges of my perception. Finally I shoved my work aside, disgusted, having accomplished nothing but the fantastic doodles winding around the contracts margins. I sighed, defeated, and finally called my boss to tell him I needed the afternoon off. Lucky for me he had been raised on the Hellmouth too, and when I filled him in on the details of that mornings problems he’d understood. He told me to give the rest of my crew afternoon off since it was Friday and go on home. Better to start fresh on Monday than to possibly make an expensive mistake today. Ten minutes later I was out the door and on my way to Revello Drive. What I really needed to do was see Willow. I hoped she was home.

William

I woke feeling less than refreshed, echoes of dreams still clinging to my awareness. They had been unpleasant again, just a jumble of unrecognisable faces interspersed with the customary blood and gore. Though weary the prospect of tomorrow evening’s entertainment in Alex’s company made my skin tingle with excitement. I performed the necessary ablutions and dressed for work, smoothing the soft blue shirt down and tucking it into the black pants. After a breakfast of simple tea and toast, I left the apartment, making my way through the sunny streets to work. Maggie quickly put me to sorting out the new load of flowers that had just been delivered, while she spent time organizing wedding arrangements with a customer. The morning passed quickly. And I sighed in partial envy as I watched the young bride leave wearing a happy smile. I’d never be in the position to have a wedding. Not if I planned to pursue my attraction to Alex. I would have to forgo certain things. It was admittedly unsettling, but when a vision of Alex popped into my head, I blushed so furiously it attracted Maggie’s attention.

“Now why are you blushing like a schoolgirl William? Hmmm not thinking about a certain young man are you?”

I tried to deny it, but my tongue seemed to grow too huge for my mouth and I stuttered incoherently for a moment. Maggie laughed and gave me a hug when I ducked my head to avoid her gaze.

“Its ok hon, I didn’t mean to tease you. You were thinking about him though weren’t you?”

Heat tingled in the tips of my ears as my flush deepened. “I wasn’t thinking about anyone.”

Maggie grinned, “Sure you weren’t. You lie to yourself as much as you lie to me?”

I could tell she wasn’t fooled so I conceded as gracefully as I knew how.

“I suppose I was thinking about Alex.”

I hadn’t noticed the door opening and the suddenness of Willow’s voice beside me startled me.

“So William you’re crushing on the Xanman huh. I can totally see why, I mean he’s got that tall, dark and handsome thing going for him. ”

I wrenched free of Maggie’s companionable grip and spun around, the blood rushing from my face as I struggled to object.

“I..umm..I…I wasn’t…. I’m umm not..umm….”

I trailed off dejectedly when her eyebrow arched in disbelief. Maggie’s muffled laughter sounded behind me and I cast an evil eye in her direction. She sniggered loudly and backed away, waving a greeting to Willow as she went.

“Come see me when you’re finished with the boy.”

Willow nodded, a sly smile lurking around her lips as she turned her attention back to me.

“So, William. Just what are your intentions towards my best friend?”

“Oh er um…I haven’t any I assure you.”

She wandered away absently touching the petals of stand of white roses that graced the window. The silence was unnerved me and I was about to protest my innocence further when she giggled.

“You should see your face. I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist teasing you”

The laughter was infectious and I joined her, relived that I hadn’t made myself the fool. She clasped my forearm as she walked to the back room, half dragging me along with her.

“Maggie?”

Maggie looked up from her paperwork, smiling broadly at us. “Yes hon?”

“Is it ok if I take William to lunch now?”

“Sure, that’s ok with me. Rachel’s due to start her shift in a couple of minutes, so no problem.”

“Thanks, I’ll have him back in an hour.”

Maggie waved us away as I echoed Willow’s thanks, and a few minutes later we arrived at a nearby café. We gave our orders and settled down on comfortable chairs in the garden. Before, during, and after our meal we chatted companionably about England and the people Willow had met there, Sunnydale and my work with Maggie, even a bit about Tara and the happy times they’d shared. I was almost disheartened when coffees arrived, sorry it had to end. Then I remembered one of the things that had preoccupied me the last week or so. The photograph. The one that Alex had ripped away so violently. Willow would know who he was, but did I dare ask? Would I be invading Alex’s private memories? Torn, I missed her softly voiced question the first time.

“William, earth to William. Are you still there?”

“What? Beg pardon, I was miles away, just thinking.”

“Can you tell me or is it a secret?”

Her mischievous smile dimmed a little as I clattered my cup back into its saucer nervously. She leaned forward in her seat, her hand reaching across the table to gently touch mine in a gesture of comfort.

“Tell me.”

I took her fingers, squeezing them gently in reply and bit my lip until the sympathy in her green eyes willed me to speak.

“It’s about a photograph I saw at Alex’s flat.”

“Who was in it?”

“Alex said his name was Jesse.”

Willow let go of my hand slowly and drew back into herself.

“He’d shown me photographs of the people he knew, Dawn, Mr Giles, you and Tara. One fell from the back of his yearbook and I picked it up to give it back to him. It was a boy with dark hair and laughing eyes, he looked so happy that I could almost feel the mirth in him from the picture. Alex snatched it from my hand and seemed very upset. Wouldn’t talk about it. Then Buffy came and it was put away. He must have been very important to Alex for him to react that way.”

Tears shimmered in Willow’s eyes for a moment, a fond expression on her face as she relived memories that the name evoked.

“Jesse” she laughed softly, shaking her head “He was one of a kind. You know, he was one of the three musketeers….me, Xander and Jesse. When we were kids we played together, nothing could keep us apart. We loved him and he loved us. We were lucky in a way to have each other. My parents love me but they’re so…oblivious at times. Jesse’s parents weren’t much better, they divorced then he lived with his mom. Neither spent much time with him. And then there’s Xan.” Her face hardened and I saw her memories were less than pleasant now. “There were times when we were kids that I wondered how come he hurt himself so often. Looking back on it I realise that he didn’t, someone else did it to him. My mom and dad would never let me go stay over at Xander’s house and now I know why. They knew what happened there and they didn’t want it to happen to me.”

“They hurt him?”

Willow sighed “Yes they did. I think Jesse always knew but they kept it from me. I know that Xander loved Jesse in a more than you’re my best friend kinda way. But Jesse didn’t feel the same…he liked girls.” She paused then and a small smile ghosted across her lips as if these memories were fonder ones. “He had incredibly bad taste in girls, but he sure did like them. Xan, on the other hand, seems to like both.”

“So Alex was refused.”

“Jesse loved Xan alright, just not in that way. I could see Xander trying to make sure it didn’t affect the friendship. There was hurt in his eyes whenever Jesse flirted with a girl, but he never said anything.”

“Where is Jesse now?”

“He’s dead.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s been a few years now, an accident. Xan was there when it happened and I don’t think he’s ever gotten over it.”

“Oh.”

I could think of nothing else to say, and we sat in silence for a while sipping the last of our coffee before paying our bill and walking back to the shop. As we strolled along Willow caught my hand in hers and squeezed it.

“Don’t let it get you down. I know that you like Xander, and I think he might just like you back.”

“Really? Was I that obvious….do you really think he likes me?”

“Well, it’s only obvious because I know the meanings of the flowers you’ve been taking home.”

“Oh”

“The heartsease was a dead giveaway. Heartsease, William? You occupy my thoughts?”

I felt colour rising on my cheeks and she smiled gently at me.

“But you, umm, said you thought he liked me too?”

She chuckled and pushed open the door to the flower shop.

“The way he tore out of the house yesterday? And the way he looks at you? I can tell he likes you all right. He just doesn’t want to.”

There was nothing to say to that, so I just shuffled into the shop behind her. Maggie saw us enter and beckoned Willow towards the back office. My companion nodded in assent and turned to speak to me before she left.

“Don’t worry, he’ll come round. Just give him some time.”

“Thank you, Willow.”

“You’re welcome. Hey William, I’ll see you later.”

She hurried back to the office and as I worked I could hear her happy laughter ringing right along with Maggie’s. An hour or so later she departed, waving good-bye to me as she left the shop. The rest of the afternoon passed briskly, with numerous last minute orders to fill. By the time I finished work I was quite worn out, so I gathered up my things and wearily bid Maggie a fond farewell. I covered the few blocks between the shop and home well within the limits of the curfew Alex had set. I ground my teeth in frustration over that, but felt certain his actions only arose from worry. I let myself in, noticing that Alex had not yet been home and went to the kitchen for another vase. Jonquils this time, wide, golden outer petals with a central trumpet to protect the delicate stamens. I lowered them into a vase with a smile, taking deep draughts of the heady fragrance. Willow would no doubt tease me further when she saw them, as they meant I desired a return of affections. I sighed as I placed them on the hall table, resigned that I could never replace Jesse in Alex’s heart, and went to prepare dinner.


Xander

“Hey Willow, Buffy…anybody home?”

Willow’s voice echoed from the upper floor and I followed my ears to find her in her room going through a box of Tara’s things.

“Hey Wills, you ok? This isn’t a bad time is it? I could go...”

Willow sniffled and held out her hand to me, I took it and drew her up into my arms, holding her tight. She scrubbed away the tears with the back of her hand, and gave me a watery smile.

“Sorry Xan, for being so weepy. It’s just the memories kinda get to me, you know?”

I squeezed her tighter, tilting my head till my forehead rested against hers.

“I know, its ok. My shoulders always ready, no waiting required.”

I had known and loved Willow for most of my life, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her. If she needed to cry, then I needed to be here for her. She nudged her head against mine, the watery smile growing less watery more natural.

“I know, you big goof.”

We laughed together at the nickname, breaking apart to sink down on the bed together. Willow snuggled into the crook of my arm and laid her head on my shoulder. It was nice, just me and my best friend. Felt like old times. All we needed now was Jesse lounging on the end of the bed and it’d be complete. The laughter died and my throat tightened as I remembered why I’d come.

“Wills?”

“Yeah Xan”

“I uh, do you ever think about Jesse?”

She turned in my arms, moving to lay her arm on my chest, her chin resting on her knuckles. Questions and the promise of answers flickered through her green eyes, like she knew what I wanted to ask. A mock stern smile tugged at the corners of her mouth, an echo of what she’d felt for him.

“Like I could forget one of my best friends. Xander Harris, I’m surprised. You know I’d never forget him. I loved him like I loved Tara, like I love you.”

I swallowed, trying to think of a way to phrase my next question. She tilted her head, as I fumbled for words, a frown creasing her brow.

“You know, umm, about uh Jesse and me. I mean how I felt about him, cause he never felt the same way.”

“I sorta guessed something had happened between you two.”

She looked a little ashamed as she lifted her chin off her hand, her fingers plucking nervously at my shirt.

“I kinda cornered Jesse about it, after that sleepover you guys had without me.” Willow’s eyes focused on the thread she’d wormed free with her fingers, trying to avoid my gaze.

“He told me what happened,” she risked a quick glance at my face before her attention fell back to the thread, “ I know he was worried that it would change things between you, but he loved you…just not the way you wanted him to.”

My mouth fell open, but I couldn’t help it. Jesse had told Willow, about us, about how I’d felt, about how he’d rejected me. I was surprised as hell that Willow had never said anything about this before. My hand covered hers stilling it from the restless dismemberment of my shirt.

“I loved him Willow, but I’ve betrayed him, betrayed his memory.”

Willow’s gaze sought mine, a desperate fire burning into the guilt I locked around my heart.

“Don’t”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t use Jesse’s memory to hide behind. He wouldn’t have wanted that you know.”

I suddenly found I couldn’t look at her, the seriousness of her words forcing my attention away from her face. I locked my gaze on her still restless fingers, fumbling in my mind for a way to explain how I felt.

“Jesse was the only guy I could ever love.”

“Bullshit.”

I started at the curse word, Willow wasn’t the type to swear, not unless she felt strongly about something.

“You loved Anya, you loved Buffy, and you loved me. Why is it that you can love so many girls but you can’t love another man?”

“I..I..I don’t know Wills. Could you love another girl after Tara?”

As soon as the words were out of my mouth I wished I’d left them unsaid. Willow’s expression closed and she pulled out of my arms, turning away and sitting on the edge of the bed. She curled in on herself, and I scooted up the bed to sit beside her.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Shimmers of tears gathered in the corners of her eyes, as she leant her head on my shoulder.

“No you shouldn’t have. I loved Tara, and she loved me. One day, I know she’d want me to move on. To find someone to love and share my life.”

I wrapped an arm around her hugging her close, letting our fingers twine together.

“One day?”

She smiled

“Tara will always live in my heart and my memories, but I have to live in this world.”

The guilt I felt wavered under the gentle sorrow and hope that endured in Willow’s words.

“You’re right. I didn’t think about it that way.”

“Jesse wouldn’t have wanted you to be alone. William really likes you and if you like him, why not let nature take its course and see what happens?”

I groaned, knowing exactly where nature would take us if we let it. Willow pulled away a frowning curiously at me.

“Xander, tell me you’re not thinking about sex.”

Heat crept up my face even as I tried to protest.

“I’m a guy, what do you expect?”

She poked her fingers into my ribs, making me squirm. A sly smile crossed her face as I breathlessly tried to move away. Red hair flying, Willow pounced following me around the bed as I desperately tried to evade her. She unfairly used her long held knowledge of my ticklish spots to reprimand me. I grabbed her hands and threw a leg over hers in an attempt to contain her, but she wriggled out of my grip like a jellyfish. We rolled and tumbled around the bed each trying to get the upper hand until we were breathless and exhausted. I pulled her back into my arms, cuddling her close; I had missed this, the familiar feel and scent of my Willow.

“So you think William likes me, huh?”

“Well duh,” she snorted, “He’s not bringing home the flowers for himself.”

“Oh…that’s nice, a little strange but nice.”

“I remember when Tara gave me flowers she always gave me waterlilies cause they meant that I was pure of heart.”

Surprised, I brushed a strand of hair away from the side of her face. “Flowers have meanings?”

“Of course they do silly. It started in the 1800’s, in William’s time actually, I’ve got a book on it over there.” Willow pointed at the bookshelf opposite and I tilted my head sideways to read the binding on the white book.
.
“The Secret Meanings of Flowers.”

“Yes that’s the one.”

I disentangled myself and got up, plucking the volume from the shelf and flicking through the pages. I found the index at the back and ran my finger down the list until I found the one I was looking for. I turned to the page indicated and saw a picture of the little violet flowers that William had brought home.

“Heartsease…You occupy my thoughts. Willow, I occupy his thoughts.” I bounced on my toes excitedly. “Can you believe this? It’s awesome. I would never have known if you hadn’t told me. Can I take this with me please? Thank you so much.”

Excitement swept through me, I couldn’t wait to see William. Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be. As soon as Buffy got home she yelled up the stairs for us to come help her patrol. There had been a sudden rise in vampires and we needed to go clean out a couple of nests. By the time I got home, William was sound asleep, I peeked quickly around the door, fighting the urge to slam it and wake him up. When I made my way to the kitchen I found that he’d made dinner for me. Gratefully, I took the plate out of the fridge and put it in the microwave to warm. While I was waiting, I moved around the apartment. There was something new on the air, a rich fragrant scent. A fresh vase of flowers sat on the hall table and I carried them back to the kitchen with me. I took Willow’s book out and flicked through the pages looking a p a picture of them. The microwave pinged and I grabbed a pot holder, carefully putting the hot plate on the table. As I ate I continued to look, and finally as I was finishing my meal I found it.

“Jonquils.”

I read the meaning, letting my gaze wander from the book to the flowers restlessly. I licked my lips, trying to reconcile the words on the page with the way my heart had suddenly started to beat faster.

“So, William desires a return of his affections.” I plucked the flower from the vase, fingering the petals gently. “ I think I can do that.”

tbc