The Brink Of Your Mind

If I Fall
A/N: ah ha! finally! an update. i've been trying to login to my account for the last god knows how long. so this chapter's been waiting to go up for like a week or so. at least. so enjoy!

~ ~ ~

As Faith stood over the small area of patterns in the dirt, she found herself wishing she’d brought some paper with her. Because if she had, then maybe she could have kept it, bringing the message out whenever she felt her past rising up and choking her, giving her the strength to swallow it back down. To force the rage to dim within her, and release some of the pressure on her already bruised soul.

She wasn’t stupid enough to think that while Buffy’s words had certainly helped her, they didn’t automatically take away the pain of a lifetime of abuse.

“Every time the sun rises, is another day for you to remember; It’s not your fault. I believe that with everything I am. And I’m going to help you believe it too. – B”

She’d spent so much of her life hiding from people, running from everything. Locking away her past and making damn sure that no one would ever find out about it. She didn’t want, or need, pity from anyone. She didn’t want people to look upon her as an unclean thing, someone who needed help when they hadn’t asked for it.

The fact that she’d been subconsciously pulling Buffy to where she was, was a huge clue to the fact that Faith didn’t want help, she *needed* it. She was just terrified to actually ask for it, for fear of that pity, of being rejected. Buffy apparently knew about her past. Had probably read it in her file or something, but that wasn’t what was most important.

Buffy didn’t pity her.

How can you pity someone so obviously strong? Sure, she hadn’t really dealt with everything in the best way possible, but she’d survived hadn’t she? She’d made it to where she was all on her own, without any help. Problem was, she didn’t need help like that, help hiding. She needed help with getting over it.

She looked up at the sky, watching as the endless blue rolled by, with soft wisps of white clouds, and hoped that the sky wouldn’t open with rain anytime soon, because it’d ruin her message. No, she couldn’t take it back to Sunnydale with her, but she wanted to see it, to read it, for as long as she possibly could do.

Noting the position of the sun, she estimated that it was about half twelve in the afternoon, then turned in the direction of the garage to fetch some more water.

She wondered if she’d get another visit from Buffy tonight.

~ ~ ~

“I’m going to bed mom!” Buffy grabbed the railing and launched herself up the first four stairs before her mother had a chance to corner her downstairs.

“But it’s only half ten.” She could hear Joyce in the kitchen, attempting to put the popcorn maker away as quickly as she could as she could come and confront Buffy. When she’d come downstairs that morning she’d looked drained and very tired. But as far as she was aware, she’d gotten in from slaying at about twelve and had gone straight to sleep.

“I’m really tired mom. Besides, it’s Friday tomorrow, I need to build up my energy for the bronze.” Without another word, she jumped up another four stairs before reaching the landing and hurrying to her room.

If she’d actually analysed her actions, she would have realised that she was desperate to sleep, because that was the only way she seemed to be able to reach her darker counter part.

~ ~ ~

She’d managed to get the water nymphs to play tag with her in the afternoon. Weaving themselves in and out of the water caves and stream formations. Of course, she’d also gotten them to slow themselves down because that gave them an unfair advantage. Water was, after all, their natural habitat, so it was a good idea that they’d be a hell of a lot faster than Faith.

They’d played for hours, before tired and yet strangely happy, Faith had called it quits and decided to sit on the pool’s edge, watching them carry on the game she’d apparently introduced them too. And without Faith there, she could see that her thoughts of their speed were very much correct. She would have ended up being ‘it’ all damn night if they’d gone that fast.

It was really just a way to pass the time though, the thoughts in the back of her mind centralising around the thought that maybe Buffy would visit her again. She didn’t know why she had such a burning need to see the ghost apparition of the little blonde, but she didn’t care to analyse that one too deeply.

“Hey.”

“Hey B.” Faith smiled to herself, wrapping her arms around her upraised knee and leaning forward to continue watching the game below her.

“You got my message then?”

“Sure did.” The spectre of the little blonde sat down next to Faith, dropping her feet over the edge of the pool and her hands to her lap. They didn’t say anything to each other, choosing instead to relish each other’s closeness while they watched the shimmering blue figures below. “How do you know?”

“How do I know?”

“About me. My past. Everything.”

“I know someone who’d tell you that I don’t know everything, I just know enough.”

“Enough for what?” Buffy shrugged, unable to put words to it, or perhaps unwilling to reveal for fear of how Faith would react.

“Enough for you.” Faith looked at the blonde now, noticing how her form seemed much more solid today than it had done over the other times Buffy had arrived uninvited to Faith’s little get away. Perhaps she was more solid this time because Faith wasn’t unwilling to accept Buffy here. Maybe it was because Faith, despite her own warning to the contrary, wanted the little blonde here.

“You’re enough for me?” Buffy turned and smiled at her, a cheeky little smile as her green eyes sparkled.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be enough for you Faith.” The sentence taking on an entirely new concept of meaning for the brunette.

“How do you mean?”

“I’m not as strong as you. I’ve never had your kind of will power. How can anyone who’s less than you, ever be enough?”

“You’re talking in riddles again.” Buffy chuckled and nodded. Once again, being cryptic was amusing and fun. “Luckily I’m smarter than I look. And I, personally, don’t think anyone’s better than me. Or worse. We just.. are. We play the cards we’ve been given, to the best of our abilities. These are my cards. I’m trying very hard to cash them in though.”

“Need any help?”

“Maybe. You be there if I do?” Faith looked down at the water again, breaking eye contact with Buffy. They may have been talking in metaphor, but both girls knew that Faith was asking Buffy to be there, if she ever needed her help.

It was the closest thing to a confession of helplessness than Buffy had ever heard Faith say.

Could she be there for Faith, if the brunette girl ever needed her? Yes, she could. But the real question, was whether she *would* be there. It was a hard question to answer. Right now it was fine to be there for Faith, because physically she wasn’t actually there. Maybe just mentally, or maybe spiritually at any rate.

But images of their shared future kept flittering through her mind, making her want to recoil from the person Faith could be, from the person she would have to become if Faith ever fell. Of the daughter that, should she help Faith now, may never be born. Was she willing to sacrifice an entire life to save the brunette by her side?

Was she willing to sacrifice the entire world just to have a child, might have been a better question. Buffy sighed softly, shaking her head and knowing that when it comes to the world, she would do what she’d always done; sacrifice that which she wanted the most, to be the person she was born to be.

“Yeah Faith. I’ll be there if you ever do.”

“I’m finding it really hard to swallow everything back down again right now. I think maybe you made me break something inside last night.” The words weren’t spoken in anger at Buffy; it was just a statement of truth. “I’ve never felt all this all at once before.”

“Just remember Faith; you don’t have to survive the next week. Survive the next day, the next hour. Fuck it; the next second. Just remember to breathe.” Faith smiled softly, leaning back on her hands and looking up towards the sky, admiring the stars as they twinkled over their heads.

“Are you actually real. I mean, are you actually here? Do you remember all this shit the next day?”

“Yeah Faith. I remember.” The darker slayer nodded and sat there, closing her eyes and silently listening to the sounds of the world around her. The trees as they whispered in the breeze, the stream as it gurgled upon the rocks, the very, very soft hum of the garage. And the sound she’d started to hear almost the moment she’d been called; the sun. It sounded, oddly, like someone singing. But she could never make out the words, nor hear the tune perfectly. Most days she sat about in the silent, listening to that sound.

Even when it was night she could hear it, far off in the distance as the sun slowly made it’s way back around the earth. She loved that sound, one that maybe only slayers were supposed to hear.

When she opened her eyes again, Buffy had disappeared. Whisked back to her slumbering body to finish the night in dreams. But she was ok with that. At least now she knew that if she ever called out for her, Buffy would be there to take her hand.

She knew that a part of the mask that she had always hidden behind in the past had been stripped away since she’d been out here. Showing less of the hard, dark and living on the edge girl. And more of someone who knew what they were about. Still dark, still hard, still on the edge. But happy in the knowledge that she knew she was there, with a slight light in her eyes of knowing.

Of knowing that if she ever started to fall, someone would be there to pull her back into grace.


To Be Continued