Behind Closed Doors

Chapter Ten

Opening the door to see Xander on the other side, a week later, wasn’t what I called a nice surprise, but at least he hadn’t barged right in. Giles was too soft on them when they did that. He locked the door a lot more after I moved in though. Had to, really, or they’d have got to see more than any of us would have liked.

I stared at him without speaking and he opened his eyes wide and asked if he was allowed in, making it clear he was being sarcastic. Needed to practice that more. I stepped back, looking him over in case he had a stake tucked under his shirt. Which meant I had to look at the shirt. Giles’ place is full of muted, soft colours; lad stood out like a parrot in a flock of starlings. Pitiful, really it was.

“What do you want, Harris?”

“You’re such a gracious host, Spike.”

“Not my house. Means you’re not my guest. Giles isn’t here.”

“You and Anya both do that blunt, no words wasted thing, do you know that? Old as the hills, centuries left to live in, and you talk as if words were in short supply.”

Comparing me to his vengeance demon was a good way to piss me off but I didn’t rise to it. I reminded myself that ten days ago he’d saved my life and let it pass.

“And I know Giles isn’t here,” he went on. “I just left the store; he says he’ll be another hour maybe. Has to finish the monthly accounts or something.”

“Huh. He could’ve picked up the phone; no need to send you.”

“No. I mean, yes, he could.”

He went quiet then, looking at me as if he wasn’t sure what to say. Didn’t feel inclined to help him but I didn’t really want him hanging around either. “You’ve not come for anything deep and meaningful, have you? Because as far as I’m concerned, we can go another decade without one of those conversations.”

He grinned. “Finally we agree on something. No, it’s not – oh, hell, yes it is.”

He sat down on the couch and I bit my lip. Giles had fucked me in just about every room in the place, but that couch – well, it had got to the point where just sitting on it got me hard. I’d been bent over it so often, holding still, being quiet, focusing on something, anything – the marks my nails were making as I drove them into the back or the arm, my body one thrust away from coming, my mouth dry because if I closed it there was no way I could stop myself moaning too loud for it to be allowed – or feeling its smoothness against my back as his cock went in deep and hard and I was wrapped around him, staring up into his face, giving him all he wanted in the way of begging – or gripping the wooden rail along the back as that fucking crop slashed down against me and the burn traveled from my arse to my face and I wanted to beg him to stop, or to go faster, get it over with - but I’d been told, not a sound, not yet, and he’d never spared me a single stroke or a single second of whatever he’d decided I deserved so there was really no point anyway.

And now Harris was sprawled on it and I didn’t know whether the joke was on him or me.

“Spit it out,” I said impatiently.

He looked down at his hands, fingers tangled in his lap, and then back at me. I sighed, sat down in a chair and stopped trying to loom over him. I had a tea towel tucked in my pocket so I probably didn’t look all that threatening anyway. If Giles got back and I’d let the dishes stack up in the sink, well, it’s not something that made him smile, especially if there’s dried-on blood involved. And I liked him smiling when he came in and saw me.

I went with him to the shop most days but it was almost worth spending the day apart just for that first few minutes when he got back. He would take off his coat, hang it up, and then stand there looking at me, doing all those things I don’t think he knows he’s doing; taking off his specs, smoothing back his hair – and then he’d smile and I’d grin back like an idiot and go to him and he’d pull me in and kiss me and I’d have someone to touch and someone to be with and start doing more than existing.

Not always like that though; sometimes Anya or the customers had got him so wound up he was tight and tense and his lips were a hard, thin line. The coat got chucked across the banister, the glasses got tossed on the table and I was on my knees before he’d finished snapping out my name, waiting for his hands to move; one to his zip, one to my head.

Thinking of that made me determined to get Xander gone before Giles came back. Chasing stray dollars and cents? He was going to be irritable.

“Spit it out, Harris – Xander, I’m not going to bite you – oh, you know what I mean. Owe you for the other night and Giles seems to think you’ve got more to you than you’d think, so –”

“How did it start? You and him?”

“What? Fuck off, Harris. Not spilling my – our – private life for you to pick at.”

He opened his mouth, took a deep breath and swallowed whatever he’d been about to say. “I’m not being –”

“A nosey bastard?”

“Yes. I’m not. Can you just forget for a minute that we’ve loathed each other for years and I humiliated you and talk like we’re, uh, like we just know each other?”

I smiled at him, making it nice and friendly. “Xander, I tried to kill you for years and I was probably a lousy house guest, so I don’t blame you at all for hating me. Humiliating me? Well, I’d say you’re the one ended up looking stupid, not me, so no hard feelings there either. Okay?”

He nodded, looking relieved and a little surprised that I’d caved in so easily. I let my smile broaden and – what the hell – went into game face, timing it perfectly so that his mouth was just opening with whatever question he had next on his list. Give him credit; he didn’t flinch and his eyes went to the weapons chest straight away.

“What’s with the fangs, Spike? Thought we were good?”

“Said I was fine with what you did to me, Xander. I am. What you did to Giles? Different story.”

“I said I was sorry!” he protested. “Giles isn’t holding any grudges, why are you?”

“Do you know what he did to me the day after your little get together? Know why I was out there getting chopped up by the demon?”

He looked uneasy. “You – had a fight?”

I wondered how his face would change if I went into detail about Giles buggering me and beating me up. Tempted; would have liked to have made him turn as green as the stripes on his fucking awful shirt but Giles wouldn’t appreciate it one little bit so I resisted temptation and tucked my fangs away. Not like they were scaring him.

“Yeah, we had a fight. Never mind. Look; forget it. Just push off. Don’t want you here when Giles gets back.”

Xander looked puzzled. “Why not?”

God, I was going to end up with a fucking halo at this rate. Gritting my teeth before I could tell him exactly what I had planned as a tension reliever for Giles, I settled for an enigmatic smile and watched the pretty blood rush up into his cheeks.

“Look; I still want to know how this all began. Please. It’s important.” Points for persistence.

“Why?”

“Because I need to know if there was something I could have done to stop him.”

“Stop him doing what? Bringing me home or trying to top himself?”

Got a flash of his teeth then. “Both,” he said tightly. “I really can’t see how any good’ll come from screwing the undead. Didn’t go so well with –”

“Don’t,” I warned him. “Don’t even go there.” I eyed him. Still felt like telling him to mind his own bloody business but his face was all screwed up as if he really wanted to know and it’d cost him asking. Besides, Giles had told them most of it. I sighed. “You know already what happened. Found him near my place, about to be supper for some vamps. I got hurt fighting them; we went back to my crypt and ...”

I stopped there. Not about to share more than that.

“And? You don’t want to tell me, do you?”

“Don’t and won’t. Between me and Giles.”

“He said he was going to kill himself, Spike. Do you know how we all feel that we didn’t see that coming?”

“Like the self-centred gits you all are?”

Got a smile but not a particularly happy one. “Something like that. Look, I’m not trying to get details of you and – God, even thinking about you two makes me – ”

“Horny? Jealous?” That got me the look of death.

“Sick.”

“Oh, fair enough. I don’t have that effect on Giles, but whatever. Just don’t throw up on the couch. If Giles has spent the day doing accounts, odds are we won’t make it upstairs for a while.” That last bit just slipped out. The longer he was there, the harder it was getting to keep my mouth shut.

He breathed out, slow and steady. “Not the gay thing; I’m fine with Will and Tara, it’s just...Giles. He’s so, well, you know and you’re ...Oh, forget it!”

He stood up and headed towards the door. “Sit down.” Giles used that voice on me and it worked like a charm. Looked like I’d got the hang of it myself, because he stopped dead and turned back.

I waved at the couch. “You’ve got something on your mind, I’d rather know about it. Yes, Giles and me, we’re fucking. Get your head around it and move on. Is that all, or was there something else? I’m thinking there must be; you can’t have imagined we’re still at the holding hands stage.”

He perched on the arm of the couch and looked as if he’d rather be anywhere else but here. Got me curious. He was hating this, so why do it?

“How long have you been in love with him?” Lad just blurted it out and it tme bme by surprise.

“Love? Who said anything about that?” Panic and denial. Perfect partners when you’re caught. Love...me and Giles? Lust, yes, in spades. Giles could get me hard with a look, aching with a touch and coming on command by then. Wanted him and I couldn’t see that changing any time soon. Liking, which was a lot more rare, yes, I’d admit to that too. He was good company now we weren’t at each others throats; he’d got me talking about my past, drawing s out out until I’d say he knew as much about me as I wanted to share and maybe a bit more than that. We talked a lot, sat there silent a lot. Both were ...nice. But love?

Wasn’t going to think about it any more. Not in front of Xander. “It’s been less than a month. Getting ahead of yourself, aren’t you?”

He relaxed, as if that was what he’d wanted to hear, and slid off the couch. “So you’re just using him, then. Place to stay, free blood and, you know. Sex. Thought so.” Self satisfied prick.

“What? No! Look; this thing between us, it’s complicated, right? We’re both ... I’m helping him ...”

He looked at me. “Helping him do what? Lose any chance at a normal life? Put a barrier between him and his friends? I’m not trying to be cruel here, Spike, I’m really not. I saw how he looked when rougrought you back, I’m giving you credit for thinking that for once, yeah, maybe you’re not being a complete bastard, but I can’t see that you’re helping Giles. Not really.”

If he’d been sneering or shouting I could’ve handled it but his voice was quiet, almost sad and he looked at me with something like pity.

I gave back as good as I got. “Xander, your head is so far up your fucking arse, it’s no wonder you can’t see what’s in front of your nose. You’ve all got yourselves someone and you think he can get by without? Oh, and good luck on him finding a human to fuck, because that ended so well with Jenny and that bint from England, didn’t it? You don’t know him. You don’t know what he needs, and if you did you wouldn’t want to give it to him, no matter how many tricks your demon girl’s taught you, and you couldn’t take what –”

“Spike. That will do.”

Giles. In the doorway, looking tired and annoyed. I shut up and found I was wrappingt fut fucking tea towel around my hands, trying to hide the way they were shaking.

“Xander? Would you care to explain why I’ve walked in on a scene unpleasantly reminiscent of one of the soaps Spike seems to be addicted to? One of your failings as a boyfriend, Spike, but I suppose we all have out foibles.”

Boyfriend? Xander looked as sideswiped by that as me and his mouth was hanging open. Can’t have done that in front of a mirror, ever, or he’d know it made him look like a f A s A stupid fish.

“I came to talk to Spike, to...”

“You came to interfere. Please don’t do it again. If you have anything you wish to say – though I can’t imagine why you should – I’d prefer it if you came to me. Well?”

He waited and Xander floundered for a second and then his head came up and his shoulders went back. “Giles, you shouldn’t be with him. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, I’m not passing judgment –”

“Yes. You’re doing just that, Xander. Your motives aren’t bad ones and believe me, I’m touched by your evident concern, but I know what I’m doing. I’m asking you to trust me. I’m telling you to back off.”

“He’s a vampire, Giles. You and Buffy... at least Angel had a soul! It’s not right.” He sounded desperate and if it was in me to sympathise with him, I would have.

Giles sighed and took off his glasses. “Xander, I know this. I know all of it. It just didn’t matter when this began. If a rope’s thrown to a drowning man, does he get picky about what colour it is?”

“He might once he’s on dry land. You’re not going to kill yourself now, are you Giles? That’s not an issue?”

“No.”

“Then why is he still here? And what could he do to stop you feeling that way? I don’t get it. Sex? Was that all? A quick fuck and Buffy stops mattering?”

He was lucky he got to the end of that sentence. I threw myself forward, snarling, fangs out, this time for real – and the chip slammed down a wall of pain and I hit it head first. Could see Giles and he looked ... never wanted him to look at me like that. Never. His head turned and he looked down at me. I was on the floor. Hadn’t even touched Xander, but the chip didn’t care. Smug pile of junk. I moved enough for Giles to decide I’d live and watched him take Xander apart, inch by quivering inch.

My head hurt. I don’t think Giles touched him but Xander was backed against a wall, eyes dark and scared and Giles was all but yelling into his face, a stream of words just pouring out of him. Stopped being entertaining when I saw they were both crying and didn’t know it.

Not about me, after all. I walked out into the courtyard, closing the door behind me.

I missed her too, for lots of different reasons. Hadn’t stopped hurting but she was one of the things I’d talked about with Giles; not much, not often, but enough that the sting had gone out of it and it was getting to the point where her name didn’t bring that little silence after it. Seeing Giles go to pieces like that, I stopped fooling myself that he’d miraculously got over her death in a couple of months. He hadn’t. I was helping him cope but no more. Better than nothing, I supposed.

I wanted to go off, get drunk, and kill things. Traditional but effective way of dealing with moments like this. Didn’t. My head still hurt, but that wasn’t why I was leaning against a wall, far enough away not to hear more than a low murmur of voices, close enough that if Giles needed me, I’d know. Didn’t want to listen. The way they felt about the Slayer dying was between them. They were her friends. I’d never really been that.

One other thing kept me there. Giles hadn’t said I could leave the house; if I went any further away he’d – God, I hoped he would. Giles not caring if I left wasn’t something I could handle.

Must have been an hour later when the door opened and Harris came out. I stayed well back in the shadows, but when he pulled the door closed behind him and I didn’t see Gi I d I didn’t know what to do and I stepped forward. He looked around and said my name, as if he knew I’d be there, staring at me when I walked over to him. Xander looked tired but he looked happier too.

“Spike? Are you O.K?”

Nodded. Didn’t hate him but I didn’t want to talk either.

“I think – God, I’m sorry. Never meant to stir things up like that. Not big on the -” He made a vague gesture that I took to mean crying and I grimaced.

“I know.” I made an effort. “You were just worried about him. I get that.”

He nodded. “Still am but – I’m glad he’s not alone.”

“Even if it’s me?”

Got a smile. “Even if it’s you,” he agreed.

I nodded and turned to go back in and he stopped me, reaching out to touch my arm. “Think Giles might want a bit of space so – do you want to go for a drink maybe? Shoot some pool? Not talk about anything?”

He sounded as e mee meant it, which stopped me telling him to fuck off, but I still didn’t want to go.

“Another time, right?” I glanced at the house. Light was still on but it was quiet. “Giles – look, I have to go to him.”

“I really don’t know if that’s a good idea –”

I’d had enough. “I don’t give a fuck what you think, Harris! I need him.”

Got this weird look. “You do, don’t you?” he said, all quiet.

“Yeah. I do.” I stepped away and then hesitated. “Look – if you’re right, I’ll catch up with you, yeah? Walk slow.”

He glanced over at me. “I’ll do that.”
Ë