Dry your tears

Title: Dry your tears (1/?)
Author: Chris
Rating: will be NC-17 in later parts, not this one
Pairing: Xander/Spike, mention of Buffy/Spike in the first part
Setting: Season 6, starts shortly after the birthday ... mostly AU
Disclaimer: No, don't own them, never have and sadly never will.
Feedback: It's the surest way to bring me to write more soon.
Thanks: Big thanks to my little sis, velja, I know this is not the story you asked for to be continued but it wanted to be written. Hope you like.

Summary: Just when Spike realizes that he can't take Buffy's abuse anymore and decides to leave Sunnydale someone unexpected shows up at his doorstep and changes everything.


Part One: Wishes

Getting up wasn't easy but he managed at last. He felt stiff and sore and hurt in places that had stopped hurting decades earlier. Getting up to get some blood that would help heal him was all he could do at the moment and so that was all he did.
Distantly he felt that there was something he should think about, make some decision but right now was not the time, all he was able to manage now was get back to some semblance of health, get back some strength and he did all that with an emptiness in his mind that should have alerted him that something was wrong but in his current state of numbness feeling nothing at all was an improvement that wasn't to be disturbed so he fell right back onto his bed after tending to immediate worries and fell into a deep sleep.

The next time Spike awoke he was aching all over and was painfully awake without the option of falling back into sleep. His now once more awakened mind was serving him pictures of what he had tried to black out, painful memories of not only the night before but many more nights that had passed in the same pattern all ending with him hurting all over, like he did just now.

It was beginning to get quite clear now, maybe sex with the slayer was in the end not what he had needed after all. Well, yes their first few times had been quite spectacular and of course being a demon he surely wasn't opposed to a little violence in his bed, but then their sessions of wild coupling never really had taken place in or near any bed.
Last night Buffy had been more out of control than he could remember ever seeing her before, Why, she could rival Drusilla or even Angelus for the pain she had subjected him to before finally finding her release in an earth shattering orgasm and leaving him unfullfilled, needing, bloody, in pain and almost unable to move to the safety of his crypt before dawn.
He involuntarily shuddered as images of the night before came unbidden into his mind, the stake that sure as hell had not been designed to go where the slayer had put it after the thorough testing of just where she could stake him without him dissolving into dust. Would she really have minded if she had come too close to his heart or put more force into the stake and
dusted him? Would she?

And why had he been so indifferent about a stake so close to his heart?

Better to not think about things like that.

With a self deprecating humorless chuckle he remembered telling her, how much like an animal she had been after their first night in the shattered house. A house they had brought down in violence, he fighting because he could finally fight her again and she to escape her dark thoughts and take it out on something.
Something.
Yeah - some thing, that was right, he wasn't someone to her, not a lover not a friend, not even a person. To the slayer he was a thing, lately to be used as she wished, broken, brought to pieces, take out every dark desire she might have and left to put himself together afterwords only to get shattered again whenever she felt the need to do so.

Not for the first time in the last weeks the stray thought that maybe he should finally end his stay in Sunnyhell crossed his mind only this time, different than before he allowed the thought to become more. Could there be a place somewhere else to become a new home? As much as he sometimes loathed this small town on top of the Hellmouth and the life he led here, it had been his home for almost two years now, longer than he and Dru had ever been able to stay settled in all the years they had shared.

Spike allowed himself a second of reminiscing about the time he had had with Drusilla. His dark princess, his lady of darkness, dark beauty, love of his unlife as he had always called her. Almost a century together and then he had let her go for the slayer. Would his life be any better, would he be happier maybe if he had gone with her?

He could always go and find her. She would take him back, that much he knew even if it might only be for a few weeks before some other demon caught her fancy and she would flutter away and come back weeks or months later. It wasn't really her fault that she couldn't stay with him anymore. She had always been crazy, long before he had met her that fateful night in London, driven crazy by Angelus and the last time with Angelus had broken the bond that had been between them ever since their sire had abandoned them after getting his soul. Being with the soulless demon for a few short weeks before Spike himself had helped the slayer bring Angelus down and then discovering how Spike had betrayed her had been too much for the disturbed vampiress.
She had countered his betrayal in her own way, by leaving him, by letting him feel exactly what it was like to have the most loved one taken away.

And it had hurt.

Her leaving him had hurt.

But not so much as the realization that she had never loved him as much as she had and did still love Angelus. After one hundred years together had had to face the fact that he had been only second to the dark vampire.

And now he had done it again. Fallen in love with a girl who ever only had loved Angelus. The souled version but to Spike there wasn't that much difference between the souled or the unsouled git. And Buffy still loved him and she never would have any feelings for him. Really, there was no use in deluding himself anymore. Buffy had never and would never feel anything towards him other than contempt. The fact that she was using his body to make herself feel alive, to let out her darkness did not change that he was only a monster to her, a thing, maybe useful at times but nothing more.
It was time to face up to the reality.

Time to change things.

Get away, start somewhere else anew.

Anyplace else on earth couldn't be any worse than here. As soon as he would be able to move again without passing out he would pack his few belongings, collect the DeSoto and leave this god forsaken hellhole.

"I really wish that things will start to change." he murmured as he braced himself for the pain that would be coming as soon as he dared to get up to climb to the upper level of his crypt to get the blood he needed to heal.

---------

"Wish granted."