When Doves Cry

When Doves Cry
By Ebony Silvers
Chapter 1
"Alone In a World That’s So Cold"


New Orleans, Louisiana
Wednesday 2:05 p.m.
July 25, 2018


"I know what I feel is real. I love you, and I don't want to destroy your life. I don't want you to feel obliged to protect me; I don't want to ruin what you've accomplished here, with Baby and your family,” Anne said.

Spike took Anne's hand in his and brushed a stray lock of hair from her face.

"I want you to stay. Not because I feel obliged, but because I care for you. I want you here, where I can protect you, where I can love you. Here, where you're safe." Spike stood and pulled Anne up with him.

"Just say you'll stay with me…"

She nodded. "I'll stay." **

** From “Legacy” by Esme

~~~~~

Baby forced her hands to unclench from the gallery rail and turned away from the scene before her. She didn't want to see her husband kiss his new lover. She knew he had not yet taken the human girl to his bed but she knew it was only a matter of time. She'd seen that look of compassion and love on his face often enough. The only difference was that it had always been directed at her before.

Everything coalesced and became clear. It was all there in Spike's face when he looked at the frail, defenseless woman. It was in his soft smile and the tilt of his head. When he looked at Anne, his eyes were as bright and warm as the afternoon sunlight flooding Baby's garden.

Even here inside the house, she could still see the light glowing on his hair. He was a creature of light. Spike spent more time in the sunlight now than he did in the dark. Baby was now the one trapped in the shadows. She could no longer share the day with him the way that human child could. She was no longer his damsel in distress.

She didn't need his protection and strength. She had her own strength to rely on now. He had given that to her. He'd given her everything he had and now she was nearly a mirror image of what he had once been. And he had become something different. Baby had taken his hardness, allowing him to show the gentleness that was always inside him. She'd released the caring nature he hid while he unlocked the violence in her soul. She had become the monster he had pretended to be and secretly despised. No wonder he no longer wanted her.

Silently she moved inside and sat down at her desk. She pulled out a piece of paper and began to write.

My Dearest Spike,

It seems all I do anymore is make you miserable. You haven't been happy in a long time, but today I saw happiness on your face. It's about time. That girl makes you happy and I'm glad for that. I won't stand in your way.

I'll be all right and I'll call. Don't try to find me.

She didn't sign it. She didn't have a name anymore.

~~~~~

Interstate 10, east of Houston, Texas
Thursday, 1:05 a.m.
July 26, 2018

Jack Niemczyk glanced over at his lover. Baby hadn't said a word in over an hour. Of course, she hadn't said much before that. It was typical of her that after more than a year of not seeing her, she simply waltzed into his office and calmly announced that she was leaving town. "I'm gonna be gone for a while, Jack. You can come with me if you want to."

Arrogant attitude aside, the devastation in her eyes had frightened him. The pain she kept buried was all on the surface. When he'd agreed and said he only needed a few minutes to go home and pack, she'd said, “You don't need to bring anything. I'll buy you whatever you need. I got a suitcase full of money and some credit cards in a name nobody knows. I just need to leave right now."

He'd nodded and left with nothing but his badge, gun, phone, and laptop. It didn't matter how much time passed without her attention, in the end he still belonged to her. She'd given him freedom such as he'd never known. She'd taught him to live without boundaries. He'd be there for her if she needed him.

Besides, he'd missed her.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" he asked. "You don't normally hand me the keys to your truck and tell me to pick a direction."

She made a noise that was some combination of a sniff, a humph, and a sigh. "You're the detective. What do you think?"

"That you're in a pissy mood." He eased off. She didn't need to fight. "I think you're hurting more than I've ever seen you hurt. You've left Spike. You want to tell me why?"

"No. But I will." She settled against the door and stared at Jack, wondering why he was the one she had gone to. "You know what I'm like, Jack. I think sometimes you're the only one who really sees me with no illusions." She turned away and contemplated the blacktop flowing beneath their wheels. "Spike hasn't seen the real me in a long time. He's been living with an illusion for years. I needed to leave before trying to hang onto that illusion destroys him." She took a breath that might have been a sigh. "He'll never be happy with me again. I'm not what he needs."

Jack nodded. He'd known about her marital problems from the very beginning. "Okay. I can see that. So why are you here? If you won't be with Spike, why are you headed west with me instead of headed straight for Beaumont?"

Jack caught the spasm of pain that crossed her face. "I swore to Spike that I'd never touch René again. I won't break that vow. I've hurt him enough. I won't add insult to that injury."

"So you're gonna be miserable for the rest of eternity just to spare Spike's feelings?" Jack asked.

"Pretty much," she snapped. "You’re a sarcastic bastard, you know that?"

"Yeah. I know." He didn’t sound bothered by the thought. His tone softened. "So you're gone for good then?"

"Yeah," she whispered. "There's no point in me staying if I just make him miserable."

"That makes sense." He watched tiny sparks of life bloom and die as insects impacted the windshield. "What's my place in this?"

"Whatever you want it to be, Jackie." She sounded tired.

"Third choice, huh?" He glanced at her but she didn't look back at him. "I can live with that." He thought for a while. "Companion. I want to be your companion. I want to hunt with you and have sex with you when you feel like it and learn everything I need to know to become a vampire." He set his jaw. "And when you think I'm ready, I want you to turn me."

"You saying you'll stay with me if I agree?"

"I'll stay with you regardless. But you asked what I wanted."

She laughed so softly he barely heard her. "All right. I won't deny you that wish. You've been completely loyal to me, Jack. Even when I was all nasty and demony, you stood by me. If Spike had found out you were in contact with me all last year, he'd have ripped your head off. You did a good job keeping the Feds confused, too."

Jack grinned. "My one great failure. I just couldn’t seem to get a good handle on the Heartland Murderers." He sobered. "I was in Kansas, you know. I saw that town."

She swallowed and closed her eyes. "And you can still look at me?"

"Yes. I can still look at you because I see how much you regret it. I'll admit I came close to hunting you down myself that week. I wanted to stake you. But I knew that I had to give you a chance to get back … whatever it was you were missing. Besides, how could I say anything? How many times have you drained someone while I watched because I asked you to?"

"I'd have drained them anyway."

"Doesn't matter. I enjoyed watching you do it. Which one of us is the bigger monster? You at least need the blood to live. I just get off on it."

"That's a little too philosophical for me tonight, Jackie."

"Sorry. All I'm saying is that I'm here for as long as you want me."

She reached up and took his hand where his arm rested on the back of the seat. "Then I guess you're here forever."

~~~~~

Mobile, Alabama
Friday, 10:00 a.m.
July 27, 2018

Spike wasn't surprised that René's front door was unlocked. Who was going to rob the Master of Mobile? He stormed in and nearly collided with Sam Gerard. He ignored both his grandson's greetings and questions. Jean could deal with Sam. Spike headed straight for René's study. His son was seated with his feet propped on his desk, a nearly empty bottle of tequila and a glass on the blotter. "Where is she?" Spike demanded.

René looked at his sire blearily. He was on his third bottle since dawn and had just about reached a nice plateau of oblivion. "What?"

Spike grabbed René by the front of his shirt, pulling him halfway across the desk, spilling what little tequila remained in the bottle. "Where is Baby?" he snarled through clenched teeth. He ignored the glass as it rolled off the edge and shattered on the oak floor.

René's eyes held nothing but confusion. "What you talking about?"

Spike growled and shook him. Jean Claude laid a gently restraining hand on Spike's arm. He had been delayed when he paused to send Sam for Cordelia. "She's not here, Papa. Just smell. She hasn't been here," he said sadly.

René's alcohol-soaked brain slowly made enough connections to reach a conclusion that concerned him. "What's happened? Is something wrong with Maman?"

Spike released his son. René leaned on the desktop. Looking at him, really looking at his son and analyzing the scents and sights around him, Spike realized Jean was right. There was no scent of her in this house or on René. "Where can she be? I was certain she'd come here." This had been his only real hope of finding her. There was nowhere else for her to run. One good look at René’s unkempt appearance further convinced Spike that Baby had not been in contact with her young husband. René, always so mindful of his appearance, was wearing a faded t-shirt and loose jeans that looked as though he had slept in them. His hair was too long and hadn’t seen a barber’s attention in weeks, and it had been at least two days since René had shaved. He was also mostly drunk.

Jean hated seeing René like that. He looked away and answered René's question, though he didn't want to add to his brother's concerns. "Maman left. We don't know where she is."

Sobriety hit René like a fist in the face. "Left? What you mean left? You mean left Spike?"

Jean nodded. René collapsed into his chair. He tried to say any of the several things that raced through his mind but none of them came out. He looked to his brother for answers.

Jean didn't want to have to explain how bad thst tst three months had been at Rue Royale. For the first three or four weeks, Jean had thought his parents' marriage had a chance. He thought they might be able to put it back together. But Baby drifted through the house as anchorless as she'd been the year before. She was perfectly lucid and had resumed her duties as matriarch, but her heart wasn't in it. She was distracted and withdrawn. Jean had glimpsed Baby more than once leaning against the closed door to René's room, not moving or saying anything, simply staring at it with hunger and grief in her eyes. He'd seen Spike turn away from watching her feed and refuse to hunt with her over and over, inventing a new excuse each time rather than admit that he couldn't stand to see her kill. She spent too much time hunting the alleys of New Orleans alone. Spike spent more and more time with Anne. Jean couldn't fault him there; he'd spent a fair amount of time with her as well. She needed them in ways that Baby didn't. How could Jean explain to René that things were no better than they'd been before he left? He didn't try. "She left a note telling us not to try and find her," Jean explained.

It made no sense to René. Baby wouldn't leave Spike. Ever. That had been an established fact in René’s mind since the week he’d awoken as a vampire. He could never have Baby because she would never leave Spike. If that wasn’t true then his whole unlife had been based on a lie. Everything he’d ever done had been for nothing. He tried to sense her through his consort bond. She'd become adept at blocking her feelings from her. He wanted to talk to her desperately. She was the only one who had the answers he needed. He could sense her presence letting him know she was alive and unharmed but he couldn't sense her emotions. She was out there somewhere but he had no idea where or why. This couldn’t really be happening. René frowned. "She wouldn't leave for no reason. She's stayed through hell to be with you." He didn’t add that she’d stayed even when they’d both wanted her to leave with nearly everything in their hearts. He stood and moved to stand before his father. He wasn't accounted the smartest member of the family but he wasn't stupid. "Why did she leave?"

"It's complicated. Since you left… Well, we tried, but it's been hard for us both. Things just won't seem to go back the way they were. She hasn't been… I don't think we…" Spike shook his head. How could he explain to René that the marriage they both wanted so desperately to succeed insisted on crumbling in their hands? "I was sure she'd come here," he whispered.

“She’d never come here. We both promised that we’d never…” René paused in mid-thought and stared at his father, an awful suspicion settling in his heart. "What did you do?" He was suddenly breathing. His study felt too close. He felt hemmed in and suffocated. When Spike didn't answer, René knew his suspicion was correct. Spike had said or done something to drive her away. "What did you do?" he demanded.

Spike's jaw clenched. René had no right to take that tone. "I have a friend who's in trouble. She's in real danger. Your mother overheard me talking to her."

This time it was René's jaw that clenched. This was about way more than a friend in trouble. René knew when Spike was prevaricating. And since when did Spike have friends that weren't Baby's friends as well? A premonition as ominous as an approaching storm gripped him. After all they’d done to try and put it all back together, Spike had messed it up. René’s heart contracted. "What did you say?" he whispered.

Spike discovered he couldn't lie to his son when those teal eyes were fastened on him so intently. "I told Anne I loved her and I wanted her to stay at Rue Royale."

René had nearly been cleaved in half by an axe a few months earlier. He felt as though he were reliving that moment. Actually, an axe in the gut probably hurt less, he decided. Pain such as he'd never imagined was lancing through him. René had given up everything for Spike. He'd walked away from the only thing he cared about so Spike could have a chance to repair his marriage. He'd sacrificed any dream of happiness he'd ever have. René had crawled into a bottle and stayed there for the last three months so he wouldn't have to feel anything, and it had all been for Spike's sake. René had never felt so bereft or betrayed. He stared in disbelief at the man he had once loved and idolized. "Get out of my house," he whispered and walked from the room without another glance at his father.

Jean watched his brother go with acute distress on his face. He glanced toward his father and Spike signaled for him to go to René. Jean hurried after his brother.

Spike hung his head and wondered how he had allowed things to come to this pass.

~~~~~

Cordelia crossed her arms and stared at her friend. "So she's run out on you again?"

Spike dug about in René's liquor cabinet. "I think I may have given her a bit of reason this time." He didn't look at his old friend. "How have you been, Cordy?"

She shrugged. "Separated from my husband."

Spike straightened with a bottle in his hand. He scooped up a couple of glasses and settled in a comfortable chair. He poured two drinks and motioned for her to join him. The bitterness of her statement made him hurt. "Yeah, I know. He spends all his time brooding in my library. Haven't been able to get to my books decently since you left."

She didn't smile. She found no humor in the dissolution of her marriage.

Spike searched her hazel eyes. "Seriously, how are you, Cordelia?"

She took the drink from his hand and sat down. "Awful. I've been awful. Big with the crying all day and all night. Pretty much ruined my complexion." She took a sip. "René helps. At least I'm not completely alone."

Spike nodded. He'd smelled René on her when she entered. René had probably smelled like her too but Spike had been too upset to notice. "I'm a little surprised at that."

Her eyes were hard when she looked up from the liquor. "Why? He's the only one of the family I have left." She looked back down at the glass in her hand. "And I'm the only one he has left." She swirled the liquor without really seeing it. "You know he's going to be dead before a year is out, don't you?" She looked into Spike's shocked blue eyes. "Oh come on! You don't think he can actually live like this, do you? He'll get so drunk one day that he'll forget it's daylight and he'll wander outside. Or someone will challenge him and he won't have the heart to fight like he needs to. You don't have to be jealous of him any more because he's not going to be around very long."

"I'm not jealous of René."

"Bull shit. You're so afraid of him you can't think rationally," she stated flatly. He was reminded that she was matriarch of House Aurelius and a powerful woman in her own right. "You felt the same way about Angel and look how that turned out. You never had a problem sharing her with me or Wesley because you're not jealous of us. But René’s a different movie of the week. You're afraid she cares a little too much for him and he cares too much for her. Well, you're right; they do. But they care about you more. And you used that against them. So now René's doing as good an imitation of the walking dead as I've ever seen and Baby's run off alone. Don't worry about it, Spike. In a couple of years they'll probably both be dead and you can get on with your life." She set the glass down. "Oh wait, she dies and you die. Life sucks, doesn't it." ros rose gracefully, ignoring the incredulity on his face. "You'd better figure out something soon to save them both because I promise you that they can't live apart from each other." She moved toward the door. "I used to like you, Spike. I thought you were a good man. Now I think you're a selfish bastard just like Angel." There was a wealth of pain in her voice when she continued. "The really awful part is that I still love you both." She opened the door. "You'd better leave. It wouldn't be good for René to find you here."

~~~~~

"Go away, Jean," René said as he stared out at the rose garden. The summer heat had stripped it of its blooms and banks of green stretched monotonously to the trees. "You can't save me this time."

"Frère, please." Jean reached out for him. He felt his brother's pain and wanted to ease it as he had done so many times before.

René pulled away. "There ain't nothing for you here, Jean. You should go back to New Orleans."

"You're here." Jean let his hand fall to his side. He needed René but he was willing to take his time. He often had to coax René to accept the comfort he offered.

"No, I ain't." René didn't turn to look at him. Heat waves shimmered on the bricks of the garden path, creating mirage puddles, illusory and false. Nothing moved in the heat. "I'm not really here. I’m not really anywhere. I don't exist anymore, Jean. There's just an empty shell here that looks like René Beaumont. He's dead. He's been dead for months."

Jean had seen René devastated by his abiding love for Baby many times over the past decade-and-a-half and Jean had always pulled him back from that brink. "M' coeur…"

René turned to face him and the words froze on Jean's lips. He'd never been as afraid as he was now. It was as though Jean was falling into a void that would pull all hope from him, leaving him with nothing but emptiness. René's eyes were as dead as he'd said he felt. There was no spark of life in his brother's eyes.

René's voice was as empty as his eyes. "Am I? How can I be? How can I be your heart, Jean? How can I be your heart when I don't have a heart no more? It's been ripped out. There ain't nothing inside me anymore." Jean fell back from the desolation in those beloved teal eyes. "You can't love me back to life this time, Jean. I don't want to live." René turned back to the vacant garden. "It's best you don't see me again."

"Please, René!" Jean reached for him one last time.

René stepped away so that Jean's fingertips simply brushed the material of his shirt, leaving them more apart than they were before. "Go back to New Orleans, Jean. I told you, there's nothing for you here. There's nothing here at all." He turned and slowly climbed the stairs, his shoulders bowed with the weight of a grief too great for him to bear.

Jean leaned his head against the warm glass of the window and cried silently, tears sliding down the glass like raindrops from a summer storm.

~~~~~

"Honey?" Cordy said tentatively as she sat down on the bed beside René. The face he turned toward her was unmarked by tears. René never cried anymore. He said he had no tears left. "Are you going after her?

"No." He tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling. "If she was gonna come to me, she'd have come. She doesn't want to be here."

She nodded and placed a hand over his. "Can I get you anything?"

He shook his head. "No, cher. There's nothing you can do."

She wrapped her arms about him and kissed his lips. "I can do this." She deepened the kiss, holding him tightly until she felt his arms come up and around her, until she felt him moan and open his lips for her. She lay back pul pulled him atop her. As he moved his mouth to her neck, she whispered to herself as much as to him, "I can prove you’re not alone. I can prove I’m not alone.” She held him to her closely. “I can do that. I need to do that.” She placed her hand at the back of his head, caressing and gentle, forcing his lips in contact with her skin. “We can still do this.” The tears René could no longer shed slid from her eyes. “It's all we have left."

~~~~~

Spike felt his sons' pain but knew he could offer no comfort to either them or Cordelia. He wondered if there was any comfort to be found anywhere. He picked up a framed photo from René’s desk and stared at his wife's laughing face. "Where are you, dove?" He reached out through their bond and felt her pain. It was as great as his own. He wasn't sure what he felt but he suddenly wished she had been here. Contrary to Cordelia's opinion, right now he'd rather she was with René than out there somewhere alone. "Where have you hidden yourself, rose?" he asked the photo.

~~~~~