Losing It

Disclaimer: Joss and ME own the characters. I own nothing but the smut.
Pairing: Buffy/Faith and some Willow/Kennedy
Spoilers: None
Rating: R to NC-17

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This is set in an AU where Faith is the only slayer. She and Buffy are together and they live in Sunnydale. Faith really loves Buffy and Buffy really loves Faith...but there is something between them that Buffy just doesn't want to lose...
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Buffy’s POV:

Once it’s gone, that’s it. It ain’t coming back.

That’s what she doesn’t understand. I try to tell her that it’s not her; that it’s not that I don’t want to. God knows I do. It’s just…it’s not something I just want to…lose.

I think you know what I’m talking about by now.

Yep. The big one.

My virginity.

You see, Faith knows that it’s something that I have held onto because it means so much to me. She knows that I love her, more than anything. It’s just…it’s the last part of me that still makes me innocent.

I don’t think that “killing demons” makes me any less innocent. Yeah, I didn’t believe it at first either.

It all started about three years ago. I noticed that Faith started to…change. She was still the girl that I loved on the inside, but her body started to change. I mean, she was always hot…mmm…but she got hotter. If you can believe it. Her arms started to get more toned, her abs…drool…started to get rock hard and her hands? God, those hands. The strongest, yet smoothest hands I have ever felt. I love her hands.

But, I digress.

She started to get these weird…abilities. It was like she became this…super girl. Ha. That even sounded corny to me. But it all got clear when this lady came around. Evie Hartman. Faith’s “watcher.” She told her she is the new “Chosen One” that will protect mankind from the evils of the Hellmouth. The slayer. In every generation, blah, blah, blah. Whatever that means. Hey, I’m not the jealous kind, I just know when someone is checking out what’s MINE. I know I don’t “own” Faith or whatever, just her heart. And she owns mine, completely.

We grew up together here in Sunnydale. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. Faith’s from Boston. She came to Sunnydale with her Dad when she was five. mom mom died from an overdose and they just couldn’t stay there. I don’t blame ‘em. Anyway, Faith came into my kindergarten class half way through the year. I remember it so well.

I was playing with Willow Rosenberg at the kitchen corner when Faith walked in with her jeans that had the holes in the knees and her favorite black shirt that said “Daddy’s Girl” across the front. She still has that shirt.

She came in with her dark, wavy hair and her deep, soulful eyes and I knew that I was hooked. At five years old, I met the person I would spend the rest of my life with. Imagine that. She looked like a lost puppy. She just stared down at her Keds and breathed evenly. She didn’t cry when her dad left, but she wouldn’t move either. Ms. Johnson tried to get her to play with us, but she just stood there. That’s when I walked over and reached for her hand. She slowly looked up and met my eyes. She smiled, I smiled, and the rest is history.

I think I loved her more every year. We were inseparable for the rest of our school years. Except when she got detention. Which was a lot. I couldn’t get detention. I couldn’t stand to see the disappointment in my mother’s eyes. I am Buffy Anne Summers after all. Not Faith Lee Spencer. God! She’d totally kill me if she knew I said that. She hates her name. I think it’s the most beautiful name known to man.

We fell in love our freshman year in high school. We didn’t give a damn who knew either. We were happy and that’s all that mattered. We were kinda scared to tell our parents though. It’s not that they’re “homophobic” or whatever…we just didn’t want it to blow up and have to run away and join the circus. I hate clowns. They’re evil.

I went with her when she went to tell her dad. He took it better than we hoped. He said he was glad his little firefly had found love. I think that’s so cute. My dad never cared enough to give me a nickname. To hell with him. Faith was ecstatic that Mr. Spencer (Brent) took it so well. She kissed me right in front of him and my cheeks turned red. Faith just flashed me her shit-eating grin and her dad chuckled and slapped her on the back with a “that’s my girl” sigh.

Faith was with me when I told mom. I couldn’t have done it without her. She held my hand the whole time and stroked it soothingly as I poured my heart out. I loved her more for that. Mom took it well. She said she was happy I found someone to love that loved me. Secretly, she was relieved it wasn’t a guy. She didn’t want me making any “rash decisions” that I would regret later.

Which brings us back to the original problem.

I know Faith isn’t a virgin. She apologizes to me every time I bring it up. I swear I don’t do it to make her feel bad. I’m just trying to make my point.

We had just had the biggest fight of our relationship. It was right before senior prom. Todd Jenkins asked me and I told him that I couldn’t go because I was with Faith. I mean, I thought the whole ol kol knew it. You would think after four years, but I guess not. Anyway, I let him down easy with a light smile to show him there were no hard feelings. I guess he took it the wrong way. He just leaned down and grabbed my shoulders, planting this sloppy, disgusting kiss square on my lips. I thought I was gonna puke. Of course, Faith was just coming down the hall to walk me to lunch. She saw the whole thing, and of course, she took it the wrong way.

Faith came running down the hall and punched Todd square in the jaw. She had just gotten her slayer powers and it put him in a coma for a week. She turned to me with the most heartbreaking look I’ve ever seen. She started to cry angry tears and she shouted at me right there in the middle of the hall. She kept saying, “I thought you loved me! How could you do this to me?! A guy?! What the fuck B?!”

The whole school heard it. Hell, I think Nevada heard it. I tried to tell her it was a misunderstanding, but she wouldn’t listen. She just stormed off and I didn’t see her again until the day of the prom, two days later.

She showed up on my doorstep, soaking wet, shivering and crying. I started to cry too as I took her in my arms and led her up the stairs into my room. I held her on the bed while she sobbed into my neck. My girl was a mess. She cried for two hours straight. She kept telling me how sorry she was and that she didn’t deserve my love anymor
Ap
Apparently, she had gone to Eric Freemont’s party the night that we had the fight. She got drunk and came onto the first thing she saw, which happened to be Eric. Eric being the low-down scuz ball that he is, led her upstairs and took a part of her that she could never get back, a part of her she told me she wanted me to have, forever.

I forgave her. I had too. I love her too much.

Eric liked to rub it in my face that he took Faith’s virginity. “The Dyke Deflowerer” That’s what he told all his friends. That he so so good, not even a dyke could turn it down. He liked to taunt me until I cried like a baby. God, that hurt. It still does, but I’ll never tell her that.

It’s in the past, and the past doesn’t matter.

I love Faith with every ounce of my being and I couldn’t give that part of myself to anyone else. I’m just not ready to, yet.

I wish she could look into my heart and see that. I’m only eighteen. It’s a big decision and I don’t think I can make it right now.

I love her more than anything, and when it happens, I want it to be because we both want it to. I want it to be a night that we will remember forever, and I will.

When we both want it.