Lovers

Three of One Series
Book One : Lovers

1. Who I Am

AN: I've been asked if there's a spoiler in here. There's not. Spike does not come back the way I have it written for anyone who hasn't seen the season premiere. Also, this chapter is from Buffy's point of view. They won't all be, so I'll be sure to note that in the future.

This won't work now / the way it once did / And I won't keep it up / even though I would love to / Once I know who I'm not / then I'll know who I am ... //

~*~*~*~

I was looking outside of myself to fix myself. I thought once the First was gone I would be okay again, but I knew the minute I saw Angel in that old tomb that I wronwrong. I had been broken since he left and I would be broken unil I fixed me. It wasn't his job, or Spike's, or Giles's or anyone else I'd always depended on to do the right thing for me.

So I did it; I started letting people in again. I went back to school, I graduated Magna Cum Laude by the way, I found me again. I hadn't been happy for years but I made myself try to live again for Dawn. And then for Dawn and for another chance with Angel. And then just for another chance.

Everyone assumes I hated high school. I nearly didn't graduate, I barely attended classes, Snyder hated me, the Cordettes hated me, the entire school ignored me even though I saved their lives every single night, the swim team tried to rape and then eat me, my boyfriend turned evil and I didn't make the cheerleading squad. I loved it.

I was free in high school. Yeah, I had more responsibility than a 40 year old, but I was happy. I wasn't trying too hard to be good or to follow the rules, I just was. I was me and if someone dind't like it they could go to Hell. I lost that. I turned into Fearless Leader because inside I was terrified. And then because Buffy didn't exist anymore.

I finally got Buffy back, and I didn't really miss high school as much, or Angel. Don't get me wrong, I loved him twice as much as I didn before, and I know l loved Spike more htan I ever thought possible, but I loved me too, wics res really new to me.

I owned a club in L.A. with Faith and Lorne. Lorne sitll worked for Angel, and Faith helped them out a lot of the time, but I was okay with that. I wasn't afraid of seeing him because I wasn't angry at him for finding himself while I got lost. Of course, once again, it took actually seeing him to realize that.

~*~*~*~

"Angel."

"Buffy."

I had literally slammed into him, trying to get the club ready for opening night. Called 'S', both for Slayers (me and Faith) and Supernatural (me, Faith and Lorne - who'd done wonders for the music selections), the two story warehouse-turned-nightclub was far from ready, unfortunately. The construction was done, the supplies had arrived, but we were hopelessly understaffed - we'd only hired a bartender, Jerry - and finishing the setup would be nearly impossible with only the four of working. Because of the stress I hadn't been looking where I was going when he entered.

He put his hands on my shoulders to steady me and smiled a little. "Hey."

"Hey," I stammered. "What, uh, what are you doing here?"

"Faith said things were crazy, so I took the day off to help," he answered, still smiling. Of course, the idea of him being around all day, helping out made me even more flustered and I had to take a deep breath to calm myself.

"Great," I enthused, even though a part of me was terrified a the thought. "Faith and Jerry are unloading chairs out back if..."

"Bloody Hell," an all too familiar voice belonging to an all too familiar blond cursed. "Shouldn't these already be set up?"

My head snapped to the side to see Faith and Jerry enter with Spike, Wesley and a man I didn't recognize carrying chairs in. "The shipment was late, peroxide," Faith snapped. "I already told you that."

"How... how... how?" I choked, stepping away from Angel and toward him for a moment, then stopping.

"Cordelia's been in a coma for the last five years," Angel told me. "The Powers resurrected Spike because only a demon can have the visions for a long time and live."

"You... you didn't call..."

"I didn't want to bother you, I made them promise not to tell," Spike spoke, looking away for the moment. I realized the chairs were set down and the others ahd scattered to give us privacy.

"God what is it with you two?" I shouted at them. "You can't bother me enough to tell me you're alive? Let me guess," I turned on Angel then. "Your soul was bound and you didn't want to bother me either!"

He looked away sheepishly and I realized my random accusation hadn't been so random. Tears sprang to my eyes and I backed away from them both, until I bumped into a table. "Were either of you ever going to tell me?"

"Buffy..." Spike stepped closer, but I cut him off.

"Will you ever believe that I love you?"

He looked stunned and a tear spilled from my eye. "Because I do. I love you both so much and I am sick and tired of that not counting for anything, because it does," I wrapped my arms around my waist protectively, still angry with them, though admittedly more so with Angel and not really about his soul. "God, you act like it would be so easy for me to move on! It's not! Even if I didn't miss you so much! How the fuck do I go to some normal guy and tell him I'm the Slayer and every second he spends with me he's risking his life?!"

"But Riley..." Angel interrupted. I rolled my eyes.

"Was a soldier. He already knew what was out there and he still lost his job and got charged with treason because he was with me," I glared hotly at him, wiping the tears from my eyes. Spike touched my shoulder and asked me what Angel should have eight years ago, instead of asking everyone else.

"What do you want me to do?"

I looked up at him. "Love me?"

"What does that mean pet?" he quirked an eyebrow. "I thought I was already doing that."

"It means that I'm tired of everyone shoving normal down my throat. It's not Giles's or the mayor's or my mother's or your job to decide what I want. It's mine. Maybe I'll make mistakes, but i deserve to be allowed that option at the very least," everyone was listening now, except Jerry who was wiping the bar down as usual. "It means that I am sick and tired tired of trying to chose between you two. It means that II know what I want. And what I want is you, both of you. Forever.

"Angel I know you care more about Spike than you'd like to admit. You're his Sire! I'm a Slayer. I know what that means. And Spike... same goes!"

"Buffy what are you asking us?" Angel stood aways off, watching jealously. I looked up at him and shrugged.

"I can't do this anymore."

~*~*~*~

But I know I won't keep on / playing the victim

*** All lyrics by Alanis Morsette from the song 'Precious Illusions' on "Under Rug Swept."

This series will be archived on my A/B/S site http://geocities.com/rubiesfrommyeyes