Impact

Buffy entered his darkened hospital room, and gasped when she saw his frail form lying in the bed. He was asleep, and didn’t awaken at her sobbing. She took in his bruised face, and the tubes seemed to envelope him. Monitors beeped and buzzed and hummed. How could she have done this to him?

She pulled a chair up close to the bed, and took his hand in both of hers. Tears fell off her cheeks and onto his bedding. She saw his chest rise slowly with each of his breaths. That was the only indication to her that he was even alive. His face was so pale, and he looked so vulnerable without his glasses on. His hand, usually so strong and comforting, now felt like dead weight in her grasp. She rubbed his fingers with her own, brought his hand to her face and gently kissed his palm, but he still gave no response.

Normally only immediate family was allowed in the intensive care unit, but Buffy had gotten help from Angel. He knew a lot of the hospital staff at this LA hospital, and with his charm he coaxed nurse Lilly, the night supervisor, into allowing Buffy into Giles’ room. Lilly knew that Mr. Giles’ had no family listed on his chart, but visitors couldn’t hurt him any worse than he already was. If anything, this sad girl that now sat by his bed, holding his hand to her heart, could only help. Maybe he would sense her by his side, and awaken. The girl didn’t even glance up when Lilly came to check his vitals. She did, however, whisper her question, “Any change?”

Lilly gently looked at the girl, wishing she could give her better news. “I’m afraid not.” The girl just continued to hold the man’s hand to her chest, and search his features for any chance that he might awaken, the tears leaking down her face. “Can I bring you anything, hon? Coffee? Anything?”

Buffy seemed to not hear her, and then slowly seemed to shake herself out of it. She still did not move her gaze from Giles’ face as she answered, “Tea, please. Hot tea would be nice.”

Lilly turned and left to get the tea. When she returned to the room a few minutes later the girl was still in the same position. She quietly put the tea on the hospital tray table that sat behind Buffy. After double checking his monitors again, she left to see other patients on the ward. But none saddened her as much as this room did.

When Lilly entered the hall she noticed Angel and some other people sitting in the lounge. Angel approached her. “Any news?”

She smiled sadly at him. “There hasn’t been any change. I’m sorry.”

Angel nodded. “Yes, well, I figured you would have told me if there was, but…”

“She is in there with him. She looks so sad, it almost breaks my heart.”

Angel looked pained, bowing his head so that Lilly could not see his face. “She won’t leave his side until he wakes up.”

“If he wakes up, Angel. I don’t know what’s going on, or who she is, or what Mr. Giles is to her or any of you, but you might need to start preparing…..”

Angel did look up at that, and fiercely retorted, “He will wake up. Everything will be okay. It has to be.” Then he turned and walked down the hall, entering the elevator.

Lilly looked at the rumpled and weary group that remained. A young man with an eye patch slept fitfully in a chair. Beside him sat a young teenage girl, her eyes red rimmed from tears. She looked shell shocked, sitting Indian style in her chair, her head bowed. A red headed young woman smiled sadly at Lilly. She returned the expression, and then proceeded to her duties down the hall, but the group never quite left her thoughts through the remainder of her shift.

Wesley was startled from his research when Angel barreled into the office. One look at his boss’ face and he knew that there had been no change in Giles’ condition.

Angel flopped down in the leather chair across from Wesley’s desk, finally meeting the Ex-Watcher’s gaze. He just shook his head.

“How is Buffy?” Wes finally asked.

Angel frowned even more, if that was possible to achieve on his forlorn face. “She didn’t say a word the entire time. And now that Lilly has let her in his room, she hasn’t come out.”

Wesley studied the desktop, running his hand through his hair. “She mustn’t blame herself.”

“I know that! But she does. If he doesn’t make it…I…I just don’t know what will happen then. It will break her.”

“She’s strong, Angel. She survived you. She’s survived her own death twice, she defeated the First. She’ll make it through this too. And besides, Giles will pull through. He is as stubborn and strong as she is, in his own way.”

Angel rubbed his eyes, trying to hold in the stinging tears that were building behind his own eyes. “I don’t know Wes. This is different. Things are different now. And Buffy…” he couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud, let alone even think them. “Buffy needs Giles, more than she’s ever needed me. If she loses him, I fear it will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I don’t know if she could survive it.”

Wesley got up from behind the desk and walked to stand before the vampire. “Then you must talk to her, and convince her that it wasn’t her fault. You are the only one she'll listen to.”

Angel looked up into Wesley’s face, knowing that he was right, but not wanting to face that ordeal. “If Giles lives….when he lives…I’ll have to let her go. Forever this time.”

Wesley said nothing, sympathizing in the vampire’s pain. Finally Angel stood. “I best go while it’s still awhile before sunrise.” He turned, his black coat billowing around him as he strode out of the office.

As Angel drove his black convertible back to the hospital, he recalled the conversation he and Buffy had shared after he had given her the amulet for her battle against the First.

“I’m cookie dough, okay? I’m not done baking yet. I’m not finished becoming…whoever the hell it is I’ll turn out to be. I’ve been looking for someone to make me feel whole. And maybe I just need to be whole. I make it through this, and the next thing, maybe one day I turn around and realize I’m ready. I’m cookies. And then, if I want someone to eat m…er, to enjoy warm delicious cookie me, then that’s fine. That’ll be then, when I’m done.”

He had laughed at her cookie analogy at fi but but he had understood it. He had hoped he would be the one she would turn to when she was ready. He wanted to make her whole. He wanted her when she was done, even though he knew with his curse it was impossible. But now it was impossible for other reasons. He wasn’t the one that completed her. That was obvious to him now. And it was now obvious to Buffy.

Buffy wasn’t cookie dough when she was with Giles. And she had just discovered that herself when the accident had happened. Angel had overheard, and understood. But now Giles was on death’s door. He might not ever know Buffy’s true feelings. If he knew she loved him, as much as Angel knew Giles loved her in return, he would fight with everything in him to return to her side. He would defeat death, fight to survive. But Giles lay in his coma now without knowing he was loved. He was apt to slip away, and not fight, because he didn’t know he had a reason worth fighting for.

The tea sat cold, untouched, and forgotten. Buffy just couldn’t believe this had all turned out the way it had. Things between her and Giles had been strained for sometime now, but she had hoped that after their successful battle against the First, and the spell that unleashed all the Slayers at once, that her and Giles would have time. Time would heal all wounds, wasn’t that the saying? And they wouldn’t have to worry about another apocalypse for awhile, or that it was only them against the world. They had been set free, she had thought. At least for awhile. Yes, there was still much work to be done. Giles had wanted to reorganize the Watcher’s Council, and train the numerous slayers that now walked the Earth. There was still evil to fight, still Hellmouths to close. In that sense, they would never be free. But they were due for a solid vacation, and she was hoping to bond with her Watcher again during this time. Instead, here he lay in a coma, perhaps dying, and it was all her fault.

Worst of all, he hadn’t even heard her say the words, “I’m in love with you.” The words she had been petrified to voice, afraid he would leave her again. Instead, he ran out of the door in the middle of their argument, angry at her and hurt by her again. As the door slammed in her face, she had said the words. But he hadn’t heard.

The argument and it’s aftermath continued to echo in her mind. It kept playing over and over again like a broken record. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut against the pain, but it didn’t diminish a thing. Her forehead fell onto Giles’ chest, as the scene unfolded behind her eyes again.

Fred and Gunn had taken Willow, Dawn and Xander out to get something to eat. Wesley and Angel were in the office researching the current demon fiasco for Angel’s investigations. It was truly the first time Buffy and Giles had any alone time since all the potentials, or rather now all full blown slayers, had returned to their homes, or followed Faith and Wood to Cleveland. Faith and Wood and Kennedy and some of the other slayers had started to set up shop there, so to speak. The Scoobies were sure to follow, but had decided to spend some time in LA first, regrouping, resting, and helping Angel out for awhile. In many ways tension still existed between all the old friends and Angel. No one could forget Angelus’ torments, especially Giles. Their relationship would probably always be strained. But Angel was doing good work here in LA. That was evident. And Giles relished the research avenues that were in existence thanks to Wolfram and Hart’s demise. Buffy was at peace for the first time in a long time, and had hoped to mend things between herself and her Watcher.

But it had all gone terribly wrong.

TBC