This is off to a very intriguing start!
There are a few technical things in chapter one:
I personally prefer all numerals be spelled out unless greater than one hundred, but the rule on that
varies. The reason I prefer this is that 18 is a symbol that my mind has to translate into 'eighteen', and
seeing the number disrupts the flow of the story for me. But that's not universal; for some readers it has no
effect either way.
Also, you've a few punctuation issues:
quick hurry." Caleb - the period should be a comma. (you have this a few times - possibly something
your word processor is auto-correcting on you.)
the girls mouth
And a typo:
She doesn't speak and she does whatever she says instantly
But these are very minor things. The only other thing that bothers me - and this is perhaps because I don't
have any depiction of Caleb's hands, is where the cut he gives the potential comes from. Since it's above her
eye, I would think there would have to be something present to rip the skin?
I'm thoroughly intrigued by Annabelle, and I want to know much more about her! I love the way that the
scenes flow. You use dialogue wonderfully; I've gotten a very clear picture of Caleb's personality (I have not
watched this far into the series; I stopped somewhere around season two, honestly).
The impression I'm getting from the way you have the chapter divided is that this is a sort of prologue,
taking place in two different times. I'll admit, it would be quite intriguing to see the battle scene which
must have ensued (or did they quietly sneak in and pick the locks on the shackles?), but from the way you've
separated the sections, I can certainly understand why you might have felt that superfluous.
I am curious as to how much time the potential spent imprisoned however, because of this statement:
She knows him well enough to not want to do anything to cross him or make him angry with her.
How much did she observe in order to come to that conclusion, I wonder? Ah, well, I'm sure it shall be
revealed as I read on!
So far, a very interesting premise.
Thank you for sharing, and happy writing!