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schedule
August 27, 2010 at 12:00 AM
OK, more in-depth thoughts:
1. What happened to the male Scoobies? It's completely out of character for them to run away when shit goes down. I get that they would kind of disrupt the power balance in the prison (Xander is a construction worker who's spent his entire life fighting beings with superpowers, and Giles trains Slayers for a living), but at least put in a sentence about how they were on a business trip for ... fighting supplies or something. Or, better still, throw in an occasional paragraph about how they're working to free their colleagues. Provides some hope for an eventual happy ending.
2. The last scene ... what the hell, man. I can sort of buy Faith as a rapist, given these conditions. I can even sort of buy evil Willow as a rapist. But this isn't evil Willow, and she has no earthly motivation. She's in control of the situation. Faith isn't going to be any less eager for revenge as soon as Willow falls asleep because Willow humiliated her - rather the reverse. If Willow's going to talk herself into doing something bad, it'd be murdering Faith. Raping her serves no purpose.
On the other hand, if this is supposed to make us like Willow less so that it's OK when the tables are turned - well, I get the idea.
3. Why does Faith randomly have a whole bunch of bitches from other series? This isn't a Who's Who of Girls The Author Wants To Sleep With. If you want to include other bitches, do the decent thing and give them a chapter, not a namedrop.
4. Why does Willow still have her powers at all? If Wolfram and Hart were in the habit of making that kind of mistake, the prison would be empty in short order.
5. I really like that you didn't go the easy route of making Buffy the bitch right away, or turning her into a crazed sex fiend who only wants to pork her sister. In fact, in general, and with the exception of Willow the Rapist, I really like the characterizations in this story.
6. Why do the prisoners have strap-ons? Did I miss the part where Faith made it herself? They aren't exactly standard issue in prisons. Maybe they're hand-crafted, like shivs, or maybe Wolfram and Hart find that the prisoners are more manageable if they have leaders.
7. After spending the entire section building up to a crazed Faith sex scene, the ending struck me as a bit anticlimactic.
8. I like hot anal sex as much as anyone else, and your descriptions are awesome, but if that's all they do for the whole (hopefully long!) story, it's going to get a bit dull. Real sex can be new and exciting even when you've done pretty much the same thing a hundred times, but fictional sex, not so much. Mix it up a little. Maybe even get some men in there (sparingly, of course). Perhaps you could send someone in as Giles' man-on-the-inside for the eventual escape plan.
9. When does the story take place? Where's Tara?
You write really well, which is unusual for a sex-story writer. I'd love to see more.
1. What happened to the male Scoobies? It's completely out of character for them to run away when shit goes down. I get that they would kind of disrupt the power balance in the prison (Xander is a construction worker who's spent his entire life fighting beings with superpowers, and Giles trains Slayers for a living), but at least put in a sentence about how they were on a business trip for ... fighting supplies or something. Or, better still, throw in an occasional paragraph about how they're working to free their colleagues. Provides some hope for an eventual happy ending.
2. The last scene ... what the hell, man. I can sort of buy Faith as a rapist, given these conditions. I can even sort of buy evil Willow as a rapist. But this isn't evil Willow, and she has no earthly motivation. She's in control of the situation. Faith isn't going to be any less eager for revenge as soon as Willow falls asleep because Willow humiliated her - rather the reverse. If Willow's going to talk herself into doing something bad, it'd be murdering Faith. Raping her serves no purpose.
On the other hand, if this is supposed to make us like Willow less so that it's OK when the tables are turned - well, I get the idea.
3. Why does Faith randomly have a whole bunch of bitches from other series? This isn't a Who's Who of Girls The Author Wants To Sleep With. If you want to include other bitches, do the decent thing and give them a chapter, not a namedrop.
4. Why does Willow still have her powers at all? If Wolfram and Hart were in the habit of making that kind of mistake, the prison would be empty in short order.
5. I really like that you didn't go the easy route of making Buffy the bitch right away, or turning her into a crazed sex fiend who only wants to pork her sister. In fact, in general, and with the exception of Willow the Rapist, I really like the characterizations in this story.
6. Why do the prisoners have strap-ons? Did I miss the part where Faith made it herself? They aren't exactly standard issue in prisons. Maybe they're hand-crafted, like shivs, or maybe Wolfram and Hart find that the prisoners are more manageable if they have leaders.
7. After spending the entire section building up to a crazed Faith sex scene, the ending struck me as a bit anticlimactic.
8. I like hot anal sex as much as anyone else, and your descriptions are awesome, but if that's all they do for the whole (hopefully long!) story, it's going to get a bit dull. Real sex can be new and exciting even when you've done pretty much the same thing a hundred times, but fictional sex, not so much. Mix it up a little. Maybe even get some men in there (sparingly, of course). Perhaps you could send someone in as Giles' man-on-the-inside for the eventual escape plan.
9. When does the story take place? Where's Tara?
You write really well, which is unusual for a sex-story writer. I'd love to see more.
schedule
August 27, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Wow, the mighty minds of MTL and LL joining forces to write a story. And what a wonderful story it is!
I can't share sennheisers critique, IMHO most of his points are moot.
1. The background story doesn't need to be told just yet, especially not in minute detail. Gives the story a nice touch of suspense.
2. What I gather/suspect about the male characters (Giles & Xander) is that they disappeared like all the other males in Sunnydale, probably because of Amy's spell. But I could be totally wrong.
3. The twist at the end was just brilliant! Perfectly done! This way Willow gets to be the top domme of the prison inmates, or at least I assume so. I also liked how you portrayed both Willow & Faiths characters at the end scene.
As you can see I liked this story very much and it will be interesting what happens next. Will Willow make Buffy & Dawn her bitches too, kinda taking them under her 'protection' (after all it would be for their own good)? (Please!) Hope this story will also feature the Slayers speedy recovery of their assholes, making their back holes once again cherry tight.
Please continue writing this story. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and can't wait to read more adventures from prison 'butt fuck'.
I can't share sennheisers critique, IMHO most of his points are moot.
1. The background story doesn't need to be told just yet, especially not in minute detail. Gives the story a nice touch of suspense.
2. What I gather/suspect about the male characters (Giles & Xander) is that they disappeared like all the other males in Sunnydale, probably because of Amy's spell. But I could be totally wrong.
3. The twist at the end was just brilliant! Perfectly done! This way Willow gets to be the top domme of the prison inmates, or at least I assume so. I also liked how you portrayed both Willow & Faiths characters at the end scene.
As you can see I liked this story very much and it will be interesting what happens next. Will Willow make Buffy & Dawn her bitches too, kinda taking them under her 'protection' (after all it would be for their own good)? (Please!) Hope this story will also feature the Slayers speedy recovery of their assholes, making their back holes once again cherry tight.
Please continue writing this story. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and can't wait to read more adventures from prison 'butt fuck'.
schedule
August 26, 2010 at 12:00 AM
Very interesting story idea and one helluva first chapter.
I'd definitely like to read more.
I'd definitely like to read more.