rate_review Reviews

Well done! Hope you post more soon!

So you are a new writer. Good luck and keep writinng, you are doing fine. I am enjoying your story and interested to see where it will go next. Since you asked, I will give you some constructive crit. I am a wriitng teacher and what I say will be professional advice, please do not take it personally. I say that not because I intend to be nasty but because too many [though not all] fan ficcers react negatively to anything that is not overwhlemingly positive. I also won't go into every technical aspect here, because, well, who has that kind of time? Tomorrow's Mother's Day, and your eyes would probably cross long before I got to the end. That being said... your characterizaqtion is pretty good, there has been no wildly divergent behavior that can't be supported by text. I do hope that you palne to bring in some of he other's evenutally. They cannot go up against W&H on a large scale alone, not even of Willow is 'the most powerful witch in the world'. We've all seen how well that wprks, or doesn't. It also doesn't make sense, unless you can construct a plot that does not count on wildy improbable results from certain actions and screamingly ridiculous coincidences. These things have waylaid more than one promising story. That is true even of the tv series'. The new character - F'laid - is very well conceived and interesting. She is not a cypher which is good to see. However, as to the matter of her accent it. Any good writing teacher/book/article will tell you not to write a character's accent trepeatedly. It is distractiong to the reader and form the text. The people whohave probably done it the best most recently are Mark Twain, Tenessee WIlliams, and Maya Angelou. Enough said? A better way to handle it is to introduce the character with some narrative about the softness, rhythm, sussuration, brogue, rtc of a character's speech along with a few accented words. After that you could occaisionally introduce a new word with the 'strange' pronunciation and other character's reaction to it. However, don't overuse this device. Also, in character tags and narrative tags, refer to his/her ethnicity. We will get the idea. In a genre where demons and aliens exist and have their own languages, it is more acceptable to write those out since we are presumably speaking about language patterns that no one has ever heard before. Next, the use of the wprd 'lover' as a title - It is cliche and reminds one of bad seventies porno. Unless there is an established speech pattern (i.e. Wolverine using 'darlin'') then you are better off letting us see the affection and the love through dialogue and action But if you must, the occaisional 'love' or softly spoken 'my heart' or even the aforementioned 'darlin'' sounds more natural. 'Lover' works better in sarcastic or ironic dialogue and in narrative when referring to another character. You are bringing in description and giving a pretty good sense of place as well as developing ancillary characters that show us that your primary characters do not exist in a vacuum. That'a all good. Lastly, even if you never get another review, remember that you are writing for youself - because of something inside of you - and keep writing. People are reading, it's just that not everyone is going to, or is [by personality] inclined to make a comment. Fan ficcers who say that they have abndoned stories because no one gave them feedback when they are getting hits obviously did not have that need inside of them. Personally, I hate being coerced and have stopped reading stories because of it. Please keep writing, I am looking forward to more and I hope this helps. P.S. please forgive any misspellings that I did not catch, the laptop keyboard drives me crazy sometimes.

Nice !

T